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Across The Wire Vol. 3

2 Micros

By Cletus Crow

Excaliburs

I forge a sword that cuts through passive aggressive bullshit. It’s the only way I can love you. You forge a sword that cuts through bipolar mania. It’s the only way I can listen. When our blades clash, we’re happy. We fight to the death. 

T.H. White’s The Once and Future King

Lancelot is one ugly cuss. He fucks Guenever, King Arthur’s queen. Arthur is one spineless cuck. Arthur and Lancelot are friends. If I’m Lancelot, I don’t know it. If I’m Guenever, I regret it. I’m Arthur sitting on the edge of our bed. Mascara runs down your face like lava. There is no joust.

Cletus Crow’s poetry collection, Phallic Symbols, is available from Pig Roast Publishing.

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Across The Wire Vol. 3

NDA

By Julián Martinez

Good morning, I am reaching out today to make clear some topics that came up during our interview last week regarding my prior employment. I was formerly employed by a public figure known across the globe for their ubiquitous impact and influence across culture, media and beyond. What you may not know is that this public figure is, and has been, a company and not one individual.

I was responsible for the management of paid actors who portrayed this figure in public and sometimes private spaces, while the operation was overseen by a think tank that included investors, political advisors, financiers, and myself since November of 2023. Prior to that, this public figure (who I am not legally allowed to name) was a living individual by whom I was originally employed in 2018.

My legal obligation to maintain the anonymity of this person has been in effect since my signing of a non-disclosure agreement, although this may have been nullified on October 23rd, 2023, when this individual set the paper copy of said agreement on fire in my living room, shortly before what was later referred to as “the personal-professional merger.” Thus, because of the uncertain status of this agreement, I am unsure of what can and cannot be shared without direct retaliation. 

I feel it is only right to inform you, looking ahead to my in-person interview with you tomorrow afternoon for the Director of Development role, to address the gap in my resume which you remarked upon in conversation. To clarify, I am sharing some of the more sensitive, “gossip-y” (for lack of a better word) details to give context to the skills and capabilities I would bring to your team.

Though my time with Drake— fuck! Fuck. Sorry! Didn’t mean to write Drake. I could backspace and delete that, but you know fucking what? It feels good to type that. It’s like, oh, who’s that one pop star? I know his name. Tip of my tongue. Oh, fuck me! Drake! Lil’ ole Canadian rapper and entrepreneur, now a nominal figurehead for what is projected to be one of the most powerful groups of leaders in the world. I mean, you name ‘em. You think of a fucked-up rich person, and they’ve got their meat hooks in Drake’s carcass and I’ve shaken those hooks like hands.

The shit I’ve seen! You don’t know the half of it. You don’t know at all! I’ve never even said this shit out loud in the privacy of my bathroom or over text or even thought about it. God forgive me for all the suffering I’ve helped put innocent people through. God forgive me for what I had to do to Aubrey.

I don’t think the rich and famous, if they believe their own lies as much as he did, have any real friends, but we got to trusting one another. When he broke into my house, I thought he was my then-girlfriend Gina, but I reached for the other side of the bed and there she was, asleep. So I hopped out of bed and turned the light on and I saw a big dark blob in front of me ‘cause I’d forgot to put my glasses on. I said, “What the fuck are you doing?” and he said my name, all soft like I was the in-the-flesh angel my mother named me after, the way he was so good at making his words gentle and pleading in love songs, and I just broke down crying ‘cause I hadn’t heard that voice in months.

Once I threw my glasses on, I saw he looked like shit, which was surreal. Gone was the manicure and face care. He’d lost a lot of weight but his face was bloated. He was wearing all the same designer clothes as before but he smelled like alleyway. He was crying but when I went in for a hug his face hardened and he punched me in the stomach. Speaking of hardened, you don’t want to know the people I’ve seen with James Harden. Anyway, he hit me and I went down and Gina screamed and called the police. That’s when Aubrey really lost it. 

He thrashed everything onto the floor— tables, dressers, cabinets— then he sounded like he was crying for real and asked where I kept the work documents I’d told him about, licensing agreements and actors’ contracts. I wanted to tell him no, but I just walked into my office, found the key to the drawer and held the folder out to him. It wasn’t fear. It felt like opening the door to a restaurant for your friend as the two of you walk in. I mean, I was going to name my firstborn child after this guy for changing my life. Gina never agreed with that, but Gina and I never had a kid, so it doesn’t matter.

I knew he’d been keeping money from me and the team, that he’d been hiding all sorts of secrets, leveraging dirt on us to other industry players, playing mind games to keep control until he disappeared when the merger was first discussed by the Board. Aubrey was a liability to OVO and the Drake brand, so we kept our careers alive even if he couldn’t do the same for himself. He was an unstable megalomaniac who I knew I’d never see again, so I gave him the papers. I watched him burn them in front of me then drop the ball of fire onto my couch. “We’re free, baby, we’re free,” he said as the red-and-blue lights painted his face.

The cops took him away and the firefighters put out the flames but no one came back to ask us any questions. The patrol car was involved in an accident on the freeway. After the merger, which would’ve finalized whether the B&E by Aubrey had happened or not, my new manager called me to the conference room and informed me that my position as Assistant Coordinator would be phased out as the operation moved forward. I didn’t ask any questions— I was so zonked from pills in those days.

Drugs were how me and Aubrey got close. It’s like I was doubling my dosage to make up for his absence. Jesus, this feels good to write out. To just not stop, to say it all— and that’s not even all of it! I could write books about this shit, but they’d kill me first. I thought they were trying to for a while, what with all the Jehovah’s Witnesses that came by my front door around that time. They’d leave pamphlets in my mailbox about repenting from the Devil twice a week. Business insider magazines, pharmaceutical freebies, pink slips for the car note, notices about soon-ending medical insurance, and Devil letters. 

I couldn’t repent from the Devil. I was the Devil my entire twenties. One time I answered the door and— I mean, I was too fucked up— told the missionary at the door or whatever they call themselves that I would shoot them before they shot me, and I did. Well, I thought I shot them but I’d just thrown up a rocket of tequila and tomato juice onto their shirt. They never rang again but they kept leaving their pamphlets— I wonder what codes of silence they’re bound to.

Anyways, I’ll delete this shit in a second. Just feels good to let it out over a couple drinks. Not good, really. Dumb that I haven’t put it into words before. What I should say in this email is don’t fuck with me, Mr. New Probably Boss, because I will have a goon chop your child’s fucking lips off your face with the push of one button if you so much as cut me in line for the Keurig tomorrow. And if I don’t get your stupid little job I swear to God I will sever yo

Sent from my iPhone

Julián Martinez (he/him) is the son of Mexican and Cuban immigrants and is from Waukegan, IL. His work has appeared or is forthcoming in HAD, Hooligan Mag, Little Engines, The Sonora Review and elsewhere. His chapbook, ThisPlace Is Covered Head to Toe In Shit, is out in August 2024 with Ghost City Press. Find him online @martinezfjulian or martinezfjulian.com, or IRL in Chicago.

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Across The Wire Vol. 3

HI I REMEMBER YOU BUT YOU DON’T REMEMBER ME

By Alexandra Naughton

originally published by Cosmonauts Avenue, November 2017

I tell you it’s okay, and you won’t think it again, but I’ve already filed it away to torture myself with whenever I want to bring myself down a notch. Another little trophy to take home from a plot against myself.

I’ve wanted to disappear, just be nothing. It’s so alluring to feel like nothing and then actually be like nothing, but still be present. Like it’s an ideal, a fiction. It’s only something you can try to do. 

I’m writing out only the parts I like to remember.

I can be nothing, like how I feel at parties: you can see me but I’m not there. Colors and sounds wash over me like I’m miniature, standing inside of a pinball machine feeling lost and everything’s banging around and lighting up and making noise and I keep turning my head to try to keep up like a floating dust particle to focus on.

I can be invisible inside the chattering cacophony of a sweaty crowd, covered in so much, too much. I can block me out and lose me.

I can make my expressions invisible, like friends really don’t even get it, so I try to describe it calmly while getting brushed off and eventually overheating but frozen on the outside like a surprised animal about to get hit by a car that other people talk about and it sounds unbelievable until you see it yourself, until you are that animal in the crosswalk.

You, my new you of the moment, the you who finds me waiting for a friend at a coffee shop, the you who finds me online where I post my thoughts, you tend to like me better when I’m bendable, when I don’t voice preferences. You like me better when I open myself up for your inspection. All laid out on the asphalt, straddling me and wetting yourself in my cold sweat. Asking so many questions, wanting to know things that I don’t. You like poking at my soft parts. Pulling meat out and squishing it in your fingers like plastic wrapped factory bread. Examining me, taking me apart out of curiosity and discarding when it gets too messy and you’re just over it. Starting something you don’t want to finish or put back.

You can shrink me, make me feel small. You can empower yourself that way. Lean on me until you’ve sunken me into the mud and I’m stuck there for a while. Make me invisible that way, that ordinary way you do. That subtle way you do. Make me not know myself, make me lose myself so you can find yourself.

Make everything feel invisible like you’re not as nice as you think you are. So accustomed to taking up space, making yourself loudest. Make me invisible like I made a joke and only you heard me, so you said it louder and everyone laughed. Like this happens so often I wonder if I am even speaking out loud sometimes, start gaslighting myself, under some invisible control. Make me invisible for your satisfaction. It’s a secret, not something you would share.

Make all the efforts of others invisible because it isn’t cool to care but you are still the only one who matters and if you’re unhappy then we’re all unhappy. Waysided because even though I am neglecting what matters to me to better suit you it is still not enough. Getting projected onto. And at first I am happy to be whatever you want me to be. I offer myself up freely, willingly. You ask and I oblige. And I’m happy to, at first. Because I’m not sure what to do besides listen and trust you.

Why make invisible always my first choice, my go to? I guess I’ve always wanted to be a ghost. I guess I’ve always tried to make myself smaller. Make it harder for people to find me.

Make it easier, existing on an at-will basis. Silently watching, listening, wandering around aimlessly, and enjoying it unseen. Easier to slip away.

What am I saying here? Something about commodification of the flesh. Something about finding it customary. Something about being just another bitch who is feeling things.

Is there subtext here? Maybe we should workshop it. Let it become someone else’s text. Edit me out, flesh and all.

Invisible like something insidious. Invisible like destitute. Invisible like displacement. Invisible like disassociation and you think I’m just being dramatic. Invisible and there is no one who can help. Invisible and no one can hear you scream, or they hear but no one looks up. Invisible and you know they can see you, they’re just pretending they can’t.

Invisible and they’re laughing about it.

Alexandra Naughton is the author of ten poetry collections. Her first novel, American Mary, won the 2015 Mainline contest by Civil Coping Mechanisms and was published in 2016. Her work has been featured in Dusie, Sporklet, sin cesar, Maudlin House, carte blanche, and elsewhere. She writes Talk About It on Substack, and organizes the Bring A Blanket reading series in Philadelphia. Find her on instagram @alexandranaughton and twitter @alexandranaught

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Across The Wire Vol. 3

This guy from my court-mandated alcohol classes was on NBC’s The Voice

By Matt Starr

The other night, my in-laws texted my wife: There’s this guy on The Voice from Matt’s hometown. 

They texted his name and age, and my wife asked, “Do you know him?”

I said, “Yeah, I know him.”

I pulled up the clip on Twitter, and sure enough, it was him. Looked a little different but sounded the same. Voice like a rock blanket, smoothing out a stone. Scraping away the rough edges. Not perfect, or really my cup of tea, even, but compelling in its heartfelt way. He was singing a country song.

I don’t watch shows like The Voice, but my understanding of how it goes is this: There are four judges sitting in chairs. They start off with their backs turned to the stage, and a contestant begins singing. If the judges like the voice, they hit a button, and their chair will dramatically turn to face the singer. 

When one of the judges smacked her button about thirty seconds into the number, it was like I was spinning around with her. Back to this bar from my early twenties. The Speakeasy was all wood and old-school fixtures and dim lighting. They’d tell you that was on purpose. To create a warm, nostalgic ambiance, but it was really so we couldn’t see how sad we all were. Maybe you were supposed to feel better drowning your misery at a place that wasn’t suffused in seedy neon, the Prohibition vibes intended to feel classier than, say, the sports bar down the road with its quarter wing nights, swarming flatscreens, and Journey cover bands. I don’t know. I didn’t feel better anywhere.

That night the guy who would later be a contestant on NBC’s The Voice was on this platform they’d fashioned in the front corner of the bar. Growling something or another into the mic. Long hair, highlight-streaked and curly. I’d seen him somewhere, but I couldn’t put my finger on it until he finished his set and ambled over and plopped down on the stool next to me.

We sat beside each other for a few minutes, sipping our beers out of pint glasses, separated by that awkward void in which someone wants to say something but doesn’t know how. I was buzzed, and by buzzed I mean drunk. He broke the silence.

“Do I know you?” 

“I think we take classes together. Over at Genesis.”

“I knew it.” He snapped his fingers and we shared a laugh.

The laugh said: Ain’t it some bullshit that people get away with the things they do every day, but not us, no, we just happened to get caught when we did, and now we have to drag our sorry asses to class at eight o’clock every Saturday morning and fork out sixty bones to hear some poor underpaid social worker read off of a page that has About.com printed across the top, and if we’re lucky, if, at eleven o’clock, after all the group therapy and cigarette breaks, we blow and hum into this tiny plastic box and it comes up goose eggs, we get to come back and do it all over again?

“How’d you wind up here?” I asked, meaning the situation rather than the place. But were they really all that different?

“They got me coming home from a gig. Blew right at the limit. Can’t beat it, huh?”

I shook my head. Pretty standard stuff.

“I don’t know, man,” he continued, looking into the backbar mirror. “My dad’s a preacher. I always felt like I let him down by trying to do music instead of preaching like him. And now this.”

I’m still not sure what I did for him to volunteer this information to a stranger. But in a way, I guess I knew. Sometimes you speak truth into the darkness, hoping it won’t find its way back to the light. Or, that by the time it does, it won’t be the truth anymore.

“What about you?” he asked. 

It hit me in a flash. The abbreviated whoop of the cruiser’s siren at 7:30 in the morning. Saying my ABCs backwards. The bald cop who put me in cuffs. The expression on my mama’s face.

“My dad’s dead,” I said to him.

He nodded. You don’t always have to understand.

On The Voice, across time and space, he finished his audition. Told the judges where he was from. I hit the home button.

If, after all is said and done, on the day of my judgment, if there’s even a God in the first place, if I am faced with the backs of four chairs, surrounded by a constellation of souls, an audience of faceless angels, if I sing about pain and heartache and regret and everything in between, if I belt the words until I am hoarse, if I empty my lungs, will anyone turn to listen?

###


Matt Starr is from North Carolina.

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Across The Wire Vol. 3

The House on Hickory


By Justin Carter

The only time I ever went to Manny’s house, I thought someone was fucking with me. I was out with a couple of the guys and we were trying to find somewhere we could go to smoke some weed, and R.J. suggested Manny’s place. I didn’t really know Manny—he was one of R.J.’s friends out in Newell who he worked with. I’d only met him twice, both times out at this coffee shop that a lot of people frequented. But he had a house and didn’t live with his parents, so that was good enough for us. 

Soon as we pulled into the driveway though, I knew we were making a mistake.

One of the front windows was shattered, part of it covered up with a blue tarp and the rest of it was just hanging open. The garage door was off its hinges. Half the driveway was just trash bags.

“Dude. What the fuck.”

R.J. was unfazed. “A place is a place.” 

We walked right through the unlocked front door and found Manny inside watching the Home Shopping Network on mute and listening to Dragonforce on his phone. He looked at us, nodded, turned back to the television. We just kind of stood there for fifteen seconds.

Manny motioned to the screen. “Y’all ever try one of those air fryer things? Shit looks sweet.”

R.J. laughed and we made our way to the couch. The room was real sparse—a couch that looked like it’d been pulled out of a dumpster, a recliner that was in surprisingly good shape, a coffee table that I’m pretty sure Manny built himself, and then this huge television playing infomercials for cooking equipment. I mean, it was the nicest fucking television set and it was so out of place.

We got high, because that’s what we were there for. At some point Craig, the third guy, left. I guess he must have called someone for a ride. I dunno, he got up to go to the bathroom and never came back. I was too blitzed to really pay attention.

When I smoke too much weed, I do this thing where I just like to wander around, so I did that. Walked in and out of all of Manny’s rooms. And then I opened the door to this spare bedroom in the back of the house. 

And Jesus, I immediately regretted that.

The whole room, every wall, window, even the ceiling, were covered in these sigils drawn with a Sharpie. I mean, there were hundreds of them, and then I looked down and saw this huge pentagram carved into the floor. Fuck. We had to get out of there.

I turned around and Manny was standing right behind me. I screamed. Didn’t mean to, but I couldn’t help it.

“Shit man,” he said. “Didn’t mean to scare you.” I just stood there. He pretty quickly realized what was up. “This shit was like this when I moved in.”

“Oh.” I wasn’t sure I believed him. 

“Yeah, I try to not come in here. It gives me the fucking heebies.”

He took a step toward me. At least I think he did.

“It’s…weird man,” I said.

“Bad vibes, for sure.”

I heard R.J. cough in the other room, but it didn’t sound like a weed cough. We’d shared enough joints for me to know what that sounded like. This one was different. Something was wrong with it, something was wrong with all of this. Manny took another step, or maybe I was the one taking the steps. R.J. coughed again. It sounded wet, like he was choking.

“Is he okay?,” I asked. 

“Why wouldn’t he be?” Another step closer. I looked down and I was standing in the middle of the pentagram. Had I always been? There was one more cough. Another step from Manny. I want to say he was smiling but I was too scared to look at his face.


Justin Carter is the author of Brazos (Belle Point Press, 2024). His short stories have appeared or are forthcoming in BULL, HAD, Passages North, Rejection Letters, and other spaces. Originally from the Texas Gulf Coast, Justin currently lives in Iowa and works as a sports writer and editor.

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Across The Wire Vol. 3

MULTIDIMENSIONAL LOVE IN A LOOK

By Alex Rost

My wife – not the mother of my daughters – told me that when I die, the world will thank me for all the women I left behind.

When my daughters’ mother – not my wife – left me she said, “All you’ll ever do in life is try to drink up an ocean.”

A few sober years later she told me that my drinking was the best thing about me.

Despite what she says, I don’t have a warped sense of self.  Just your standard college degree.

From her, I learned to leave my guilt by the side of the road.  That even those born without ambition accomplish a lifetime.

When my daughter was young, she hid around the house – behind doors, under blankets, in closets – and waited for me to come by, then with a scowl of sincerity she jumped out and screamed, “Huuuuuug!” and threw her body at me with everything she had, wrapped her arms around my neck and dangled there like a baby sloth until her arms gave out.  These were called hug attacks.

Sometimes, she lay in wait for ten, fifteen minutes.  Silent and poised and patient.  I wondered how she’d treat men, how men would treat her, how she’d allow herself to be treated.  What the word ‘romance’ would mean to her.

One day, I came walking through the kitchen doorway and heard her blood curling war cry.

“Huuuuuuuuug!”

She caught me by surprise.  I jumped, stutter stepped.  

She leapt off the kitchen counter, hurled her little body at me before I could recover from my shock.  I felt her hands grasp at my neck, miss their hold.  I threw my arms out and caught air.  She bounced off me and crashed into the open dishwasher.

She was fine.  The dishwasher was not.

I could feel a little pop in the hinges when the door closed.  I tried to run it.  A tiny trickle of water came from the bottom.  Nothing crazy.  I stuffed a towel under it, satisfied that it could have been worse, and left the room.

A few minutes later I heard excitement from the kitchen.  Horseplay.  Then a scream.

“Daaaaaad!”

I rushed in.  Two of my daughters were on their stomachs, sliding across the tiled floor through a river of foaming suds.  My oldest, the one who hollered for me, stood above them pointing at the mayhem.  

She learned the devastation of misplaced water the summer before, when a toy clogged running toilet brought a waterfall to the downstairs bedroom.  I made sure to remind her often while I hauled out the soggy mattress, ripped up warped floorboards, replaced moldy drywall.

“This is what water can do,” I said.  

“THIS is what water can do,” I said.

Over and over.

I told my daughters that when they turned eighteen, they should each expect a bill for what they destroyed.

It will go like – 

Acrylic painted TV……………………….… $350

Gas tank filled with hose water………………$820

Tennis racket to sister’s eye/eleven stitches…..$380

Laptop cleaned in tub…………………….….$400

Hidden milk cache spilled under bed………..$650

I’m still working on it.

I learned through my wife – not the mother of my daughters – that time can and will stand still.  That a moment can be multidimensional.  That an emotion can tear down the walls of reality.

Because there are no supposed to bes.  All is chaos.  All is beautiful.

Alex Rost runs a commercial printing press in a small shop outside of Buffalo, NY and writes most of his stories on break behind the dumpster. Twitter is @arost154

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Across The Wire Vol. 3

HENRY MILLER SAVED MY LIFE

By Mather Schneider

When I was 30 years old, my grandfather died and left me 6,000 dollars. Never having had more than 500 dollars at one time, I went a little nuts. I quit my job at the collection agency and broke up with my girlfriend, telling her “I just want to stay home and write, that’s all I want to do.” Which wasn’t true. I also wanted to drink and smoke pot and get call girls to come over.  

In 3 months, the money was almost gone and I was miserable and eating beans and eggs and wondering what I was going to do. I’d written a few crappy stories, got an std, blew the engine out in my car and developed a case of the alcoholic shakes. I needed to drink a 12 pack before I could even leave the house. My right eye was completely red from blood vessels that had ruptured while vomiting. 

I regretted having left my girlfriend, and tried to reconcile with her. I made a fool of myself in email after email and phone call after phone call. One day she told me, If you really wanted me back, you would come to my house and try to convince me. She told me if I really wanted her back I needed to “act like a boy scout”. She was dead serious. I had very little pride, but one thing I did have pride in, without knowing why, was that I’d never be a boy scout.

Before I got the 6,000 dollars, I was already thinking about leaving her. 5 years earlier, we had moved to Tucson together from Bellingham, Washington, where we’d met. Her parents lived in Phoenix and she wanted to be closer to them. As long as we don’t see them too often, I told her. Oh, no, she said. Once-in-a-while maybe. 2 months after we moved to Tucson, as if unplanned, her parents moved to Tucson. They were good people. Irish upper middle class. A comfortable, sober, loving, normal family, the kind of family that I never quite understood and felt I could never be a part of. They gave me the heebie-jeebies. After that, every single weekend was spent with my girlfriend’s parents. Before I broke up with her, her parents were planning a trip to Disneyland. For all of us. The thought of this trip to Disneyland haunted me for weeks. It terrified me, kept me up at night. I could not imagine myself going to Disneyland.  

Then a week before we were to go, I got that 6,000 dollars. I never did find out how their trip to Disneyland went.

After the last email to my ex, I decided I never should have come to Tucson and wanted to go back to Bellingham. I wanted to wander, to run away, to escape. I threw all my belongings into the yard of the tiny apartment I rented and had a yard sale. I didn’t sell much and the next day I left it all laying out there. I put a sign that said FREE and got on a Greyhound bus heading to Bellingham. I still knew some people in Bellingham but I didn’t tell anyone I was coming. I made a sack full of bean burritos. I had a backpack with some clothes and a notebook, a pouch of rolling tobacco and 100 dollars. I cried as the bus left town. Stupid, self-pitying tears.

It had been 5 years since I’d left the rainy northwest for the desert and when I stepped off the bus the greenery, high trees, low skies, humidity and gentrification made me immediately claustrophobic. I thought, this is not right. Another mistake. The place had changed. I walked down to one of my old bars. It had been called The Beaver Inn but they had changed the name to “The Uptown.” The same bartender was there but he didn’t recognize me. He looked the same but I had aged a lot. You couldn’t smoke inside anymore. I ordered their famous fried chicken which had soothed me through many hangovers in the years past. The chicken now cost twice as much as before and was half as big. A side of ranch dressing was now an extra 50 cents. I got wasted sitting there for hours, feeling isolated and alone with my backpack on the floor at my feet. Eventually, the bartender asked me to leave.

I woke up in a nearby park in the early morning and vomited. I was suddenly ravenous again. One of the things I missed about Bellingham was the food. The fish and chips at The Waterfront Tavern, the French Dip at The Alley Bar, the bagels at the Bagelry, the pizza at Mario’s. I checked my funds. I had 50 dollars left.

A guy on the bus had told me of a bank scam. Some banks will let you overdraw your account, he said. I went down to the bank and opened a bank account with my 50 dollars. I still had my old driver’s license from when I lived there and used that for credentials. I waited a few hours and went to an ATM and tried to withdraw 500. It worked!

Before I’d arrived in Bellingham I had looked forward to seeing some of my old friends. Now, I didn’t want to see anyone I knew. As I walked around I was paranoid I would see an old acquaintance. The park where I had passed out was near an old friend’s place but I didn’t knock on the door. I walked down to the nearest store and bought a bottle of whiskey.

I spent the day wandering around. The town was all cleaned up. The China Delight Bar was now an ice cream shop. All the Indian bars were gone. Some hippies and grunge rockers were still around but they were better dressed than I remembered, certainly better dressed than me. It was all extremely fashionable, like an outdoor mall. Business was booming. People were working, living their lives, hobnobbing. Nothing out of place. Everyone seemed to belong. It felt good to have that money in my pocket but I still felt like a stranger and had a bad feeling about everything.

At 11 a.m., right when they opened, I went into The Alley Bar and ordered French Dip. The place looked the same and smelled the same. They roasted their own meat and the sandwich was just as wonderful as I had remembered, though more expensive. I began to feel some hope.

“Well if it isn’t Matt Glasford!”

I turned in my barstool and it was my old friend Dave Longstreet. He sat down.

“What’s going on Dave?”

“Haven’t seen you in a long time! Shit, you’re getting kind of fat and gray aren’t you? I hardly recognized you.”

Dave was 10 years older than me but he still had that cherub face and rich black hair.

“Yeah, I guess I am.” 

“Where you been?”

“Arizona.”

“Arizona? You don’t look very tan.”

“I had an indoor job.”

He caught me up on a lot of people I hadn’t thought about and didn’t care about.

“Hey, Dave, you wouldn’t be able to loan me a few bucks?”

“I’m kind of strapped right now, man.You gonna be in town long?”

“Not real sure.”

“All right, well take care of yourself.”

“You too.”

Before he left he bought me a beer. I drank that and had a few more but I couldn’t stay in there all day and spend all my money. I walked out into the cloudy, misty afternoon. I walked up the hill through the university to the library. It wasn’t planned that way, I just ended up there. It was summer, did I mention that? Summer vacation, but the library was still open. It was open 24 hours, in fact. There was hardly anybody in there and I thought it was about the nicest place I’d ever been. I fancied myself a writer but I really wasn’t much of a writer. I wasn’t much of anything. Still, I had read a great deal of books. But I had never stepped foot in a University library. 

When I lived in Bellingham I hung out at the public library and a couple of bookstores that let you lounge around. And in Tucson I had done the same. Something always scared me about a college campus.

I went up to the 4th floor where the “literature” was. I was the only one on the whole floor. I guess there weren’t any literature majors going to summer school. They were probably all working on their novels. I was so sick of books and reading by that point. So few books really touched me, really talked to me. It all seemed like a pastime, reading novels and writing novels and talking about novels, being that way. Still, I didn’t know where else to go. The fourth floor was absolutely silent and surreal and peaceful. I found a big soft chair and plopped my backpack on the floor and sat looking out the giant windows. I sipped from my bottle of whiskey. It started to rain against the glass and I watched the drops run down. Below on the brick plaza a few students walked around.

I fell asleep and when I woke up it was early evening, not quite dark. I was still the only one around. I got up and went to the bathroom. I looked terrible in the mirror. I hardly recognized myself. I had dark circles under my eyes and I was bloated and sad looking. I had bug bites all over me. My hair was a rat’s nest and more than half gray. My teeth were yellow. I looked at least 50.

As down as I had been, I never really considered killing myself. Until that moment. I thought of Hemingway and how he’d done it. I thought of Hunter S. Thompson and how he always said that suicide was a comforting thought for him. He said that just knowing he could end his life at any time made it easier. Thompson had a lot of guns, but I didn’t. If I was going to kill myself, how? Jumping from a building didn’t seem very appealing, nor did drowning in the ocean. I didn’t have any pills or know how to find any. I could slit my wrists, but that never seemed to work. Someone would always find you and call an ambulance. It seems silly now, looking back. But not then. I thought about a guy I knew who lay down on the train tracks in Tucson.

I scanned the shelves as I walked back towards my chair by the window. I smirked, looking at all those books. Thousands of them! It seemed like a joke, a maze, a nightmare. I wasn’t looking for anything in particular, except maybe a way out. I had some favorite authors but I’d read them all and didn’t feel like reading them again. And then, I swear to you, I saw a book sticking halfway out from the shelf. This sounds made-up but it’s not. I’ve never been able to make shit up, never had much imagination. I pulled the book out and it was Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller. I knew of Miller but had never read him. I’m not sure how I missed him all those years.

I took Tropic of Cancer to my chair and read the whole thing well into the night. Nobody came to bother me. The lights stayed on. Almost every word I read seemed written just for me at that moment. The fact that a human being like this had existed, had written these words, was a revelation. His poverty he somehow made hysterical, his travails seemed predestined and purposeful, his energy contagious, his optimism like a balm. In the following days I only left the library to smoke and to buy food and bottles of whiskey. Henry Miller talked about food a lot and it made me hungry. After going days without eating, he would find some rich guy to treat him to a great meal. He was always hungry. And how he would describe those meals! And the wine! Never get bored, never take anything for granted. People say words like this all the time, but somehow Henry Miller made me feel it. He meant it. He knew it and lived it.

I gathered all the Henry Miller books they had. I read one after the other. Was it possible that this man was born in 1891? Was it possible that he had abandoned his family, quit his job and traveled across the ocean to a strange city where he knew no one, where he did not even know the language? Was it possible he arrived with 10 dollars and survived? And not only survived, but wrote these miraculous books? Was it possible he met all these crazy, brilliant people? Was it possible he traveled around the states and wrote The Air Conditioned Nightmare? Was it possible he lived in Big Sur and dragged his mail up the hill to his house wearing nothing but a jock strap?

Why does everyone have to work? he said. Yes, yes, yes! I thought. Why? No hope, no despair, he said. I had known that Miller had the reputation of being a smut writer, but the sex was hardly 10 percent of it. His zest for life, in such ridiculous conditions, blew my mind. And here I was, depressed! Why in the fuck was I depressed? I was sick and Henry Miller was the medicine.

He seemed like a free man. His writing was certainly freer than anyone I had ever read before, his attitude also. He seemed above shame, above pettiness. He seemed wise. But also fun, and no dope. He was a man who had had all his values smashed, and he embraced it, he rejoiced in it. He said, yes. Maybe he was a lunatic. If he was a lunatic he was the sanist lunatic I had ever encountered. 

I read every one of his books in the library. When I got done with those I found the old tape room down in the basement and I listened to old audio recordings and even watched some videotapes. There he was! The grinning swordsman! In one interview he was talking about a book called Siddhartha by Herman Hesse. I immediately found that book in the library and read it. I suddenly understood what Miller meant when he said, “There’s two Buddhas, see? Two Buddhas!” One was the classic Buddha, the archetype, the godhead. And the other was Siddhartha, the one searching. Which was to say, the Buddha that is in everyone. The Buddha that is you. The Buddha that is me.

He claimed to never worry about anything. He was beyond good and evil. And man I wanted to be there too.

I stayed in that library for 3 weeks. It rained every day. I read several books that Miller had mentioned, and some were good, but none measured up to what I had found in him, so I decided it was time to move on. When I left, I knew I had to go back to Tucson. I thought about going to another country, like Miller, but I didn’t have the guts or any boat to hitch a ride on. I was still drinking heavily, but I felt a change in myself. It was a sense of life opening up. The idea of killing myself suddenly seemed absurd. 

I barely had enough money for the bus ticket back to Tucson. I arrived in the middle of the night and slept in a park. The desert air was intoxicating. In the morning the sprinklers were on me. I called my ex-girlfriend on a payphone. I was ecstatic, but I still needed money. I asked her for 100 dollars, and she said no. She made 69 thousand dollars a year at the insurance job her brother had got her, but she wouldn’t give me 100 dollars. I understood. I even laughed. I understood that she was still hurt, that she didn’t owe me anything. But I also understood that she had never missed a wink of sleep or a meal in her life. I went to the economic security office and got a food stamp card which provided me with 50 dollars of food every week. I spent the next few weeks buying cheap food and hanging out in the park. I had no money for beer or whiskey. Those were some of the best days I’ve ever had and I will always look back fondly on them.

One day I was walking down the sidewalk and I saw a HELP WANTED sign on the door of a photo lab. This was before all the cell phone photos, when film had to be developed. I went inside and filled out an application. I wrote “writer” on the job history part. The manager was there, and he read it, and it turned out he was also a “writer.” He asked who my favorite writer was and without hesitation I said, Henry Miller. His eyes lit up. Henry Miller was his favorite writer, too! I am not lying about any of this. His name was Jeremy. He hired me and we remained friends for years.

With my first 2 paychecks I found the smallest, cheapest apartment studio available. 200 dollars a month. I had no computer, no typewriter. The cheapest typewriter I could find was 100 dollars at Office Depot, but I didn’t have enough.

I hadn’t been to a bar or had a drink in weeks. One day I passed an old dive bar, The Buffet Tavern. I had spent many days and nights in there. There was no buffet in the Buffet Tavern. It was a buffet of people, they said. The only food they had were hot dogs boiled in a crock pot. The most mouth-watering hot dogs you ever tasted! They opened at 6 a.m. and had a small crowd even at that hour. I had a few bucks in my pocket and I stepped up to the door. It was mid-afternoon. Before I could open the door, I saw something on the ground, blown by the wind up against the old concrete block wall. It was a 100-dollar bill. I took that money and held it up to the sun. I looked around for a minute. Then I walked over to OFFICE DEPOT and bought the last typewriter they had in stock, a Smith Corona.

I got back to my apartment and plugged it in. I had no typing paper so I put in some yellow lined notebook paper and sat looking at it. I must have written 12,000 words that night. All bad, all lost, but I didn’t care. It didn’t matter.  

When I got tired sometime in the early morning, I made myself a quesadilla. A quesadilla with yellow cheese, sour cream and tomato salsa. I don’t think I’ve ever eaten such a satisfying meal. I kept thinking about Henry Miller. Every once in a great while an author comes around like that, if you’re lucky. If you don’t believe in it, I’m here to tell you. It seemed there were Buddhas all about me, and they were all laughing with delight.

END

Mather Schneider’s poetry and prose have been published in many places since 1995. He has several books of poetry, one book of stories and his first novel, The Bacanora Notebooks, was recently released by Anxiety Press. He lives in Tucson and works as an exterminator.

Categories
Across The Wire Vol. 3

Evidence I’m Mentally Ill

By Tyler Dempsey

When I was in eighth grade I got so depressed I was delusional, convinced everyone at school knew how terribly unhappy I was but they were all pretending they didn’t. But, every now and then, someone would give me a look or a smile and, in that moment, I knew they knew.

I carry my stress around in my stomach, always have. When I was a teenager, I’d have diarrhea or vomit on a weekly or daily basis. Despite owning no money or health insurance my mom took me to the doctor. The doctor sent us home with a plastic container that I had to scoop diarrhea out of the toilet into so they could send it to a lab somewhere. The results were inconclusive. 

I used to fantasize in bed about my stepdad’s gun cabinet glowing on the other side of the wall. Thinking of the act, or the word “suicide” would start me hyperventilating. I would desperately try to redirect my mind elsewhere before the thing that had power over me reached a point that was irreversible. 

I didn’t know if the depression was a result of my circumstances so much as a byproduct of violence and anger that lived in me but tried so hard to hide. The effort of hiding was causing it to consume me. When I was fifteen, I had a moment during a night like so many other nights where I heard my stepfather yelling at my mom, calling her names. But this time I broke. The anger and other feelings wouldn’t stay back. They oozed and my body convulsed and when it was over it felt like my brain was emptied of electricity. Like everything that used to be the thing or person that was Tyler Dempsey had left. I was a shell that looked like me. I call what happened that night a panic attack but actually have no idea what it was. 

A week later, I experienced my first auditory hallucination. It’s hard to describe, but a voice that was both in my ear and also outside whispered like a scream. What did it whisper? Tyler. It said my name. What’s more, the voice was one I recognized. It was Joe Tiger. A friend in grade school that wasn’t my friend anymore. I’d said something that made him mad and he never got over it. It made me sad that he had been a part of this really scary thing. Like fear wasn’t enough, whatever it was wanted to hurt me, too. 

When I was in college, more things happened that made me wonder if I was, just maybe, insane. The last day of Freshman year my best friend, Brendan, and I drove to Denton, Texas, for a Pinback concert. It was late getting back. Brendan took backroads and it was raining extremely hard, the sky opening and the wipers fighting but you could barely see the road or our weak headlights. A burst of lightning hit and something very small appeared in the center of the windshield, then expanded, then expanded more, then took over the whole frame. It was veiny and a shade of brown I’ve never seen before or since. It didn’t splatter into the glass but simply vanished as quickly as it appeared. Again, just rain and wipers. Brendan said, “Did you see that?” 

Fast forward to Sophomore year. We’re living in the dorms, Brendan and I, one wing apart from each other. We start having dreams. Cryptic, demonic kinds. I started hearing what sounded like a pool ball dropped on the floor of the dorm above me, rolling into the corner the whole building slanted toward. But no one lived in that room. No one lived in the whole wing actually, except me. Another time it sounds like something very, very large, running full speed, ducked its shoulder and tried to burst down my door. But you know dorms, it’s just one long hall with room after room in a line. There’s only the width of the hallway, no way something could get a running start like that. I eventually worked up the nerve and looked but nothing was there. Brendan watched a black thing with long arms walk across his room into his closet. A week later it visited me. I was in bed with my back against the wall facing a window that faced the streetlight. The light flickered and slowly went out. Then my vision distorted. I felt suddenly, irrationally terrified. I realized I couldn’t move. Then it walked into my peripheral vision. Tall, black arms, everything black. It lifted one arm and pointed out the window. Then, just as unexplainably as it appeared, it was gone. Things like this continued till one day my phone rang. The ID said “Brendan.” I picked up and there was a silence so heavy and somehow, I knew exactly what he was going to say, then he said it. “My brother killed himself.” All of the weird stuff stopped after that. 

Fast forward some more, a year after my brother was arrested, I got really, really into smoking weed. I lived in California and had this bong as tall as I was. On occasion, I’d get super stoned and different parts of my body would spasm. Kind of like what I’ve read about restless leg syndrome, but it was restless everything. Around that time, I had my second, and, up until now, last auditory hallucination. Again, a voice I knew. It was a previous stepbrother I hadn’t thought of in years. This is what he said: Tyler. In a whisper, just like last time. I didn’t tell you this when I mentioned Joe Tiger, but each time, two months after they said my name, in real life, that person died. Joe was in a car with a friend who’d been drinking and they clipped a guardrail on a bridge on some backroad. My stepbrother, Colton, was caught robbing a convenience store. The details get fuzzy, but somehow a cop shot him. Poof. Gone. 

Speaking of spasming, I quit doing it after Colton whispered my name, but one time—this was just a few years ago—I was coming home from a strip club with my friend and he told me something he’d never told anyone but his parents. The jist was: my life could have been irrevocably fucked if we hadn’t had the financial means to fight my way through court. I sat in the passenger seat and he caught himself, and said, “Shit, man, sorry, I didn’t even think about your brother…” but it was too late. Once again it was like a dam in my mind broke. Thoughts and feelings were suddenly flooding out and I started shaking. By the time we got to his apartment it was done but I could barely walk. I sat on his couch like my body and mind were a huge sponge that had gotten wrung out. That feeling continued, accompanied by growing depression and a fear it would happen again. Eventually, it was like the sponge filled back up. Life once again came at me faster than I could process. I never did get that checked out.

Tyler Dempsey is the author of three books and host of Another Fucking Writing Podcast. He lives in Utah with his dog.

Categories
Across The Wire Vol. 3

Two Poems

By Scott Neuffer

Trip: NYC, 2023

I will say on the plane over I saw elevators
descending in passengers’ eyes.
I will say when I saw the Empire State Building
it was pointed in the gray light like a compass needle—
if only I were built stiff enough for that sky.
I will say at the Met, the Monets were less than lustrous?

What’s most real in New York are the lurches
between bricks, the way a corner splits
sense,
sewer steam, snuffed ass,
the ache of the unfeted. 

In dusk I come to 83rd Street, metal bench.
Crouched hand to ear, I assume it’s blood running
through my head that makes a gritty sound,
and I wonder if every person also shudders
at the thunder of their own blood.

I will find my way back to you, I believe.
There is a world where we listen to each other;
it lies at the bottom of the poem. 

Pondering the Art of Poetry during Super Bowl LVII 

We didn’t host the party this year;
a broken patio chair sits against the house.
In a friend’s neighborhood to the north, where the river touches
the desert and grows the Northern Nevada Correctional Center,

I sit in a luxury chair and dream of mass transit 
that took the copywriter from Brooklyn to Manhattan 
for thirty seconds of gloss, their million-dollar slot–
but something is off, human.
Maybe before the game the copywriter had a moment
pulling a snake of hair from their apartment sink
and sink from drain in a miraculous fit bruising the drywall.
Maybe it was enough to remember how ink can bleed on the page.

It’s funny how I am not alone but want to be alone
as the TV commercials glow like radiation, 
and the prison windows gleam like half-decisions.
Inside me is something like ice on fire, primal, without ink, 
conjuring words to stay lined up dancing in the air. 

Scott Neuffer is a writer who lives in Nevada with his family. He’s also the founding editor of the literary journal trampset.

Categories
Across The Wire Vol. 3

B L A C K  A U R A

By Bill Whitten

A Georg Jorgenson retrospective is at the Whitney. Georg has been dead for almost twenty years. Among the two-dozen paintings on display is one called Disancorato – Georg’s only known portrait – wherein a pair of disheveled brunettes with brown eyes and insolent faces stare at the floor. I am (or was) the young man in the torn t-shirt and filthy blue-jeans while the young woman in tattered bra and panties was Georg’s sister-in-law, Carolina. The painting is valued at 3.5 million dollars. On the other side of death, Georg’s ambivalence about success has become irrelevant. 

I was reading the Autobiography of Benvenuto Cellini on the F train when a man seated across from me remarked that Cellini, an embezzler, rapist and murderer, differed from contemporary artists only in the fact that he was honest. 

At least, I’d responded, Cellini hadn’t collaborated with the Nazis like Picasso. We exited the train together at the Broadway-Lafayette stop and as if predetermined by fate, entered the nearby Bleeker St. Bar to drink beer.

We discussed the use of the camera obscura by Brunelleschi, the type of motorcycle Antonio Ligabue drove and a film I’d recently seen called Accion Mutante, about disabled terrorists bent on exterminating beauty from the world.

He nodded his head as he lifted a pint of Guinness. “Terrorists and governments despise beauty; it’s too destabilizing for a controlled society.”

Georg Jorgenson was a 6’5” redheaded Max von Sydow lookalike, a graduate of Yale, a boxer of some talent and a reckless alcoholic. A person to be feared in certain situations. He behaved like an aristocrat, like someone without problems or cares who’d grown up surrounded by servants, which as far as I knew wasn’t the case. Fifteen years older than me, he was not only a painter but had designed and fabricated the black shoes, shirt and pants he wore like a uniform. 

I was a rock musician living in Soho amid the ruins of the ’80’s art bubble and had met enough of its former fantastically prosperous denizens – while plying the trade of art-handler/furniture mover – to have cultivated a genuine hatred for artists and the art-world. Georg, I discovered, was no different; he looked down on his fellow artists and considered his collectors – those who occupied the commanding heights of the capitalist class – to be among the worst people on the planet. He understood that the very same cohort who bought his art and kept him in whiskey and cocaine were responsible for despoiling the environment, mercilessly exploiting the working class and more or less destroying Western civilization. But Georg – an avowed hypocrite – needed to make a living. 

I thought his technically masterful canvasses lacked the visceral punch of his personality; they seemed to turn a cool, blank face to the world. That was the influence of Georg’s hero, Lucien Freud. Unlike Freud, Georg’s interventions were devoid of anything resembling a human subject, instead they presented the ghostly interiors of abandoned, uninhabited mansions that were populated by obscure ’70’s architectural motifs and occult pop-culture references. Georg claimed the inspiration for his paintings derived from his drug-fueled career as a teenaged house-breaker in Ridgefield, Connecticut. As the leader of a circle of young friends inspired by Charles Manson’s ‘creepy crawling’ expeditions (in middle of the night the Family would enter a house, quietly rearrange the furniture and then leave) he’d become addicted to nocturnal breaking and entering. To Georg, the vacant structures in his paintings ultimately reflected the architecture of the cosmos, which according to his bleak, clinically depressed worldview, was empty. The Creator – deus absconditus – was long gone.

When Georg suddenly jetted off to Italy with a fellowship and teaching position at the American Academy – due in no small part to the influence of his new (third) wife, the daughter of an Italian diplomat – we carried on our friendship via airmail. He often sent me hastily scrawled, telegram-like notes – I SHALL DERIVE MY EMOTIONS SOLELY FROM THE ARRANGEMENT OF SURFACES – or pornographic sketches made on copies of the Coriere della Sera. 

Returning to my apartment on Broome Street one evening after work, I found a postcard in my mailbox: I’M SICK OF ITALY. EVERYONE IS FIVE FOOT SIX IN THIS FUCKING COUNTRY. COME AS SOON AS YOU CAN. 

I arrived at Georg’s doorstep in Monteverde Vecchio in a white taxicab. I carried a brown leather suitcase that had belonged to my grandfather. In the bright morning light the neighborhood looked forgotten, even abandoned. Its occupants were either still sleeping or at work. I rang the doorbell and five minutes elapsed before Georg finally opened the door.

Georg’s studio – scattered with requisite rags, canvasses stacked in piles or leaning against walls, sheets of paper covered with half finished charcoal sketches, stalagmite piles of newspapers and magazines, broken charcoal sticks, brown paper bags scribbled with words or images, overturned chairs and stools, rat and mouse droppings, hoghair paintbrushes, a photo of Gabriele D’Annunzio torn from a magazine and nailed to a wall, saucers full of pigment, empty coffee cups, unstretched canvasses – was formerly a bicycle factory.

  “Look at me, I have Cushing’s Syndrome; I’m in the same frame of mind as Che Guevara when he went to Bolivia and got himself killed by the CIA. Have you ever seen pictures of him from that period? Moon-faced with a psychotic glint in his eyes? That’s me baby, that’s what I see whenever I look in the fucking mirror. A black aura is hanging over me.”

Shirtless and bearded in a paint-spattered, unzipped white boiler-suit with the arms tied around his waist, he took a step back from a canvas, paint brush dangling from his limp wrist, shoulders hunched, head bowed, looking like Bill Walton just after completing a free throw. The painting was of a chest X-ray. Instead of alveoli and bronchiole there were nebulae, white dwarfs and strands of sidereal light. Behind every image is another image that is more faithful to reality and behind that another image even more faithful.

‘Painter’, I’d come to understand, was a magnetic category. Painters were monks or criminals, eunuchs or satyrs. Paintings were a sacrificial offering that implied the inevitable destruction of their author or a non-stop celebration of the self from which there was no escape… 

Georg looked as if he’d gained fifty pounds since I’d last seen him and his face had indeed taken on a moon-like countenance. Bruises, some yellowish, some blue were distributed across his torso like countries on a map. Ghastly pale with little splotches of red beneath each cheekbone he walked across the studio to a gigantic mahogany desk piled high with books, magazines and videotapes. He sat down behind the desk, opened a drawer, pulled out a mirror and then opened another drawer, removed a foil packet and dumped a pile of iridescent whitish powder on the mirror. Sighing, he rose from the desk and carried it to me.

“I get my drugs from a former member of the Brigate Rosse, a real fucking mensch. When I was in better health we used to shoot his machine-guns together.”

“What’s wrong with you Georg? What happened?” I held the mirror in my hand and looked around for somewhere to put it. I didn’t feel like snorting cocaine. Hungry and thirsty, I suddenly remembered that in Georg’s presence I became a lesser person, a sidekick, an underling. With any two friends, one is always the slave of the other.

Georg walked back to his easel, picked up his brush. “I have Sarcoidosis – something usually only blacks and Scandinavians get, I mean what a mindfuck – its in my lungs, it’s in my eyes and its even gone to my brain. The same disease killed Thomas Bernhard, maybe Gide too. Usually it’s a manageable chronic illness. My case is different. I’m supposed to be treating it with 50mgs of prednisone everyday single day…but it drives me mad, madder than I already am and it makes me violent. It was a rational choice on Alessandra’s part to leave me. Perhaps, when I eventually return to the hospital, after they’ve given me Last Rites, she might stop by…” 

Nothing is so unbelievable as exact truth spoken in a calm voice.

“What a nightmare.” 

I found it difficult to look into his bloodshot eyes. His personality seemed to have expanded along with his bloated body; he was somehow more Georg-like than he’d ever been before. What was the opposite of apotheosis

“You must be seriously jet-lagged, Robert. Snort a line of the coke. It’ll sort you out, cheer you up.” 

I looked down at the mirror. “When did she leave?”

Georg began to cough, a long series of dry sounding, lung-scraping coughs. Red-faced, out of breath, he spoke in short, halting bursts: “You don’t…understand…I am a prisoner here…like the man in the…iron mask…She’s waiting for me to die…Prays for it…You know…how… Italians…are…about…divorce.” 

“Come back to New York with me. They have the best doctors in the world.” 

Georg walked back to the desk and pulled out a pack of Lucky Strikes, removed a silver Zippo from a pocket of his boilersuit, flicked it open and lit a cigarette. He exhaled smoke through his nose and smiled. He seemed to breathe easier. “I’m totally broke Robert. I have huge gambling debts. You can’t imagine how much money I’ve simply thrown away. I can’t stop working. And even then I can’t paint fast enough to cover my losses.”

“What can I do to help you Georg?”

“There’s a painting I need to make. It would be of you and my teenaged sister-in-law. The inspiration comes from a photo of Belmondo and Seberg. I don’t do portraits so this might be dicey but there is a dealer who has…who has…made a kind of bet with me that I can’t do it. A huge bet. Tomorrow, you and Carolina will sit for me.”

…Later that evening, we walked up Monte Testaccio, the eighth hill of Rome and one of the world’s most famous middens. Monte Testaccio was formed entirely from broken, discarded amphorae (something like 25,000,000 of them) between 50 and 270 AD. Georg wanted me to see the spectacle of Roma at night – the Pantheon, the Castel Sant’angelo, St. Peter’s, the San Carlo al Corso Church, Santa Maria Maggiore – from the vantage point of an ancient trash heap.

Cold winter wind blowing off the nearby Tiber, we crawled through a hole in a chain-link fence and followed an overgrown path up a slight incline. Above us, the bright machinery of the Roman sky. It seemed that the point of my trip to Italy was to reinforce my belief that things could go wrong at any moment and artists made their best work when they were on the brink of extinction. 

Ancient pottery sherds crunching beneath our feet, nightbirds spreading their sound around us, Georg, his words punctuated by gasps, spoke of exile: “I don’t really miss New York, you understand, but I do miss my memories which were left behind in the subways, on the sidewalks, on the facades of tenements…”

“You can go back, Georg. You’re not going to die.”

Georg pulled a handkerchief from a pocket of his tweed jacket and wiped his mouth. “Exile must be accepted in the same way a terminal illness must be accepted; graciously, without defiance or shame.”

He stopped and coughed for forty seconds. Then he pointed his chin at the Eternal City: “If Emperor Julian had remembered to put on his breastplate that morning in Ctesiphon, the first moon landing would have taken place in 1342.” 

A voice rang out. “You are trampling on the dust of empires!”

  We turned toward the voice. It came from a wraithlike figure – a girl – backlit by the glowing city. Tall with brown hair that fell in straight lines from beneath a black felt beret, she wore a black cape and under that a man’s black suit and white shirt. Was she an apprentice waiter fired after her first day of work? A child refugee fleeing a war-zone? 

  When she smiled her sharp white teeth protruded slightly.

“Carolina, this is Robert.”

A new painting is like an animal glimpsed at the edge of the forest. Is the painter the hunter or the prey? If he has courage, the painter will dissolve into the painting, he will – in an act of faith – become it and live in the ecstasy of that trembling moment of dissolution.

And thus at dawn on a somber day in December, Georg positioned our bodies before his easel and painted us with paintbrushes as fine as eyelashes.

  “Think of yourself as hostages not subjects.” 

Carolina, who smelled – like all beautiful women – of cigarettes and dirty hair, sat on my lap. She wore tattered black underwear of unknown provenance that had been procured by Georg. They are clean was all Georg would divulge. 

I wore a white tank top with slashes across the chest and ripped blue jeans that were stiff with black paint and automotive grease. 

“I distrust anything that hasn’t been weathered or worn out.”

For most of the day Carolina and I barely spoke to each other which was what we both knew Georg wanted; any rapport or complicity would have excluded him or set us against his project which was to put onto canvas an image or shadow of a dream.

  “Seeing is the paradise of the soul.”

Occasionally, Carolina would rise and pace around the studio. She’d pull on an old Russian greatcoat, walk over to Georg, take the cigarette from his hand and smoke it. 

I’d wander over to Georg’s desk and try to read from a paperback copy of Borges’ The Aleph, in particular The Circular Ruins which seemed to be an allegory of exactly what was happening in Georg’s studio. 

“Illness is servitude.”

After nine or ten hours Georg began coughing and cursing simultaneously then picked up a Ka-Bar knife and seemed ready to slash the canvas. Not long after, he announced that it was finished.

“We’ll go for drinks now. I have unlimited credit at The Tomb of Cestis. Come on.”

In The Tomb – the ceilings were so low we practically had to crouch – a man in a tracksuit and shaved head led us (come Giorgio) to a tiny, dirty room that was empty except for a round cafe table and four plain wooden saloon chairs. He left a bottle of Liquore Strega and three glasses. 

A single dangling light bulb lit the space. On one wall was a poster of Maradonna, on the other a framed reproduction of Parmigianino’s Bardi Altarpiece.

The room smelled of bleach, sweat, shit, piss and Lysol.

Georg sat, chest heaving, gasping for air.  

  I was becoming smaller and smaller to the point of vanishing completely. Mingled with galloping fear, I felt a kind of ecstasy. The Rome I encountered was entirely made from this fear, this ecstasy. It was like a stage set. Everything meaningful had been undermined, destabilized. When I closed my eyes, images of earthquake, plague, riot, fire, mobs of people flickered before me. 

Carolina drank two glasses of Strega and leaned her head against my shoulder. A woman – early sixties, five feet tall with black eyes, steel grey hair and the demeanor of someone resigned to face a firing squad at some point in the near future – entered the room and placed three bottles of Peroni on the table. 

  To know what something is, we need time to recognize it, thus we always miss when it happens. Conversely, if we want to know when something happens, there’s no time left to say what it was. 

When Georg finally slid from his chair to the floor, I could at last comprehend the situation. 

The onset of horror has something fresh about it; it shines, it clarifies.

The ambulance arrived twenty minutes after Carolina ran screaming from the room. Then we were hurtling through the narrow, dark and beautiful streets of Roma.

On the Alitalia flight back to New York, I was seated in the rear of the plane, alone in the last row and the stewardesses were merciful and brought me drink after drink. I eventually slept, not waking until the plane taxied on the cinematically lit JFK runway. As I hoisted my bag, deplaned and walked towards customs I thought of Georg lying in a hospital bed in the Machiavelli Medical House, oxygen masked affixed to his face, an IV bag of antibiotics dripping into his arm, the last line of defense as pneumonia bacilli waged war on his lungs. His eyes had scanned the ceiling repeatedly, without pattern, as if guided by some faltering reflex action. Was Georg ‘gone’ or merely in hiding as his body tried desperately to repair itself? I had seen that look before, I’d seen the same eye movement in the days before my father’s death. 

Carolina had been grim and preoccupied as she drove me, in her sister’s Fiat 124 Spider, to the airport, smoking cigarette after cigarette, fiddling with the radio, her eyes seemingly never on the road ahead. Death lurked everywhere as we careened along the A90 ring road. Eventually she pulled up to the departure terminal, kissed me on the cheek and handed me a bulging envelope with my name written on it. 

“From Giorgio. Your salary for sitting for him.” 

Neither of us was aware that Georg had written the word Disancorato in charcoal on the back of the canvas. Did Disancorato – which means unmoored, adrift – describe the painter, his subjects or a way of life? 

It was twenty-two degrees when I landed in New York. After clearing customs I opened the envelope. One million Lire. I changed the money and bought a bottle of Strega at the duty free and still had seven hundred and twenty-five dollars. It would be just enough to cover my rent.

Bill Whitten is a rock musician, writer, reader….The singer and songwriter for St. Johnny (1989-1995), Grand Mal (1995-2010) and William Carlos Whitten (2018-?)…author of BRUTES, a collection of short fiction (2022)

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Across The Wire Vol. 3

TAMALES

by Elwood Weebs

Three of us in a one bedroom – Alaska, Vegas, Rust Belt. All living in the shadow of Humprey’s Peak.

Alaska brought like twenty pounds of salmon he caught himself. Frozen and carried three thousand miles.

He grilled our first night together. It was unlike any salmon I’d had.

Just gamey.

Gamey as fuck.

I struggled through three bites, Vegas never made it past a nibble.

We only had this small refrigerator, about the equivalent to the size of two minifridges.

The gamey salmon filled the freezer, spilled over to the fridge.

The entire apartment stunk, mild at first, but always building.

Alaska wouldn’t throw it out, and we wouldn’t eat it.

Alaska had a Mexican girlfriend who stayed over all the time and cooked tamales.

Vegas had a friend who didn’t do shit but sleep on our salvation army pull out sofa bed for five, six nights at a time. He always talked about how much weight he’d gained, and kept to a strict diet of canned tuna.

He didn’t like the salmon either.

Five of us – count em – one, two, three, four, five – in this four hundred square foot space that reeked of fresh(ish) salmon, tamales, canned tuna, and body odors from all over North America.

I’ll tell you, all those aromas will kill your morale.

It was inescapable. 

It stuck to my clothes.

Formed a film coating my skin.

Seeped through my pores and into my nightmares.

And I caught everyone fucking, all in the same day.

Alaska and his girlfriend when I stopped home for lunch, Vegas and his friend when I got home that night.

Doggy-style, both times.

Alaska ignored/was ignorant of the smells, but Vegas couldn’t stand it.

It was walk-in-the-door-and-let-out-an-“Oooof” bad.

One day, Vegas and I came in together and let out identical “Oooofs” that said everything that needed to be said.

We filled paper bags with salmon and carried them to a dumpster down the block.

When Alaska came asking about his special Alaskan salmon, we both swore that it was not us, but his girlfriend that threw the fish away.

We said we’d witnessed the whole thing, that she swore us to secrecy.

Well, they got into a blowout fight.

Trust was broken.

And our apartment, in the shadow of Humprey’s Peak, no longer smelled.

Alaska moved out first, Vegas a few months later.

The only thing I missed were the tamales.

Elwood rambles through the rust belt hills with the fatboys. Some people call him Slim, some call him Automatic. No matter about names, he’s often in the middle of a sticky situation. You might find him on Twitter @dntcallmeelwood

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Across The Wire Vol. 3

Three Prose Poems

By Steve Gergley

1. Candied Pears

My wife and I eat dinner on the back deck of our rotting French colonial. It’s August. It’s ninety-six degrees out. It’s been nineteen months since we spoke to another human being. The sun bakes my hairless skull like a smooth stone stranded in a Texas scrubland. For the next forty-three minutes, I watch my wife devour the mound of candied pears sitting atop her spotless ceramic dining plate. As she eats, her lips shine sticky with sugary syrup. The shadows of the circling buzzards flicker across my mud-crusted fingerpads. A pond of silky blood kisses my gold-plated salad fork. Excusing myself from the table, I clomp into the overgrown backyard and begin digging the rectangular hole at the foot of the gnarled sugar maple.

2. No Names

There is a room with no door at the end of the upstairs hallway. My wife has been in there many times. At dinner she talks about the elderly man and his young trophy wife who have lived in that room for the past fifty-nine and one-sixth years. By my wife’s word, the couple spends their long days in the dark carving foot-sized blocks of yellow cedar into intricately-detailed sculptures of Tudor-style mansions. Sipping my sparkling water, I tell my wife that this is a beautiful and interesting story. I tell her that she leads a complex and thrilling life. I tell her that I am glad she regularly experiences these fascinating adventures. In response, she sips her sparkling water and agrees with a satisfied smile. We eat in comfortable silence for three minutes and forty-four seconds. The man across the street tries, and fails, to slam his front door. The ice cream truck with the unsettling robotic voice drives past the front of our house. I ask my wife to spell out the names of the married couple living in the sealed room upstairs, but she only surrenders the middle three letters of the old man’s first name.

3. My Greatest Ambitions

At 6:17 a.m., I wake up on my back in bed. My wife lays on her side beside me. We do not get up for many hours. A square of yellow sunlight crawls across the carpeted floor. Our cell phones buzz on the end table like ambulances dissolving into a humid summer night. Next door, the teenager with the coal black hair plays a riff on his electric bass for two hours and twenty-three minutes. At noon, a male goldcrest lands on the sill of the open window and stares at us through the thin mesh screen. I stare back at the small bird and yawn. A red Honda Civic parks in front of the Tudor-style mansion on the other side of the street. The teenager next door begins playing a new riff. The male goldcrest flies away. My wife rests a soft hand on the warm skin of my throbbing shoulder. The stabbing feeling in my stomach disappears for the first time in thirteen years. These are the days that supply the component parts of my greatest ambitions on earth.


Steve Gergley is the author of The Great Atlantic Highway & Other Stories (Malarkey Books ’24), There Are Some Floors Missing (Bullshit Lit ’24), Skyscraper (West Vine Press ’23), and A Quick Primer on Wallowing in Despair (Leftover Books ’22). His short fiction has appeared or is forthcoming in X-R-A-Y Literary Magazine, Pithead Chapel, Maudlin House, Passages North, Hobart, Always Crashing, and others. He tweets @GergleySteve. His fiction can be found at: https://stevegergleyauthor.wordpress.com/. In addition to his own writing, he is also the editor of scaffold literary magazine.

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Across The Wire Vol. 3

THE GREAT COMPETITION

By Nathan Bogart

Artie sat in his old beat up puke green Grand Marquis outside his father’s house, still wearing his Bagel Boy work apron, doing his best to compose himself before heading inside. He looked out at the dirty snow that lined the sidewalk to his father’s front porch. Winter had washed the sky of color and the trees stood leafless against the cold wind. 

 The house looked like all the other pre-war houses in suburban Detroit. Except his father’s house was in shambles: the roof was beginning to cave in, the porch steps were missing, and there were holes in all the window screens that let mosquitoes and wasps in during summer. 

Artie’s cell phone rang. He hesitated for a moment. 

“Hey, Laurie. I’m outside his house right now.” 

“I just wanted to remind you…”

“I know.” 

Artie stared up at the house, he could make out the electric glow of a television through the front window.  

“Stop hesitating and just do it. Just tell him already. If you don’t do it, I’m going to.” 

“He’s a difficult man.”

“That’s not an excuse, Arthur. Tell him. Jamie needed help with math homework and you weren’t here. Yesterday it was science. Enough is enough.” 

“You know it’s complicated.” 

“Tell him.”

“Okay, I’ll see you at home.”

He hung up the phone and sighed. Artie felt every night he visited his dad was like crossing a threshold into a different world, like landing on an unknown planet and realizing that not everything operated according to the laws of earth: there were places even gravity could not touch. 

The porch creaked beneath him as he made his way to the front door. 

“Pop, it’s me,” he called through the door. 

“Who?” 

“Me, Pop. Your son.”

“Well, come on in already.” 

Artie opened the door. The floors were covered in empty whiskey bottles and unwashed clothes. The smell of cigarettes hit his nostrils. His father sat on a mustard-colored recliner, his feet up on a coffee table, eyes fixed on the television screen. A half empty pint of whiskey sat between his legs. 

“Hey, Pop.”

He held up a yellow finger, cuing Artie to shut up.  

“Look, kid,” his dad said and gestured at the television. 

A line of muscular men flexed on a stage, their veins popping and their skin glistening with oil. Artie knew all of them by name. 

“See him? On the left?”

“Yeah, Pop. I see him.”

“That’s Frank Zane. The man was a living statue. That’s art. Look at his posing. Beautiful front-double. See that?” 

“Yeah, I see it, Pop.”

His dad lit a cigarette, handed it to Artie. 

“That’s the art of bodybuilding right there,” his dad said, “not the bullshit you see nowadays. True bodybuilding is sculpture. Proportions, symmetry, flow. That’s what it’s all about.” 

“Definitely, Pop,” Artie said and took a drag of his cigarette and tried not to cough. He made his way quietly to the couch, making sure he didn’t walk in front of the television. 

“So, Pop. I’ve been talking to Laurie.”

“Please, son. Not now.”

“Well, it’s just that—”

“Your ears okay? I swear you can’t hear sometimes.” 

Artie’s father leaned closer to the television: 

“And there’s the man of the hour. You see who that is?”

A familiar man with a barrel chest and large arms made his way to center stage. The hair, the chiseled jaw, the mountains of muscle; he resembled Superman. Or at least that’s what Artie thought every time he saw him. He flexed his biceps, puffed out his chest. The crowd cheered and the judges marveled. 

“Yeah, I see who it is. It’s you, Pop.”

“Damn right,” he said. A wide smile smothered his face. “This is the year I almost won the Mr. Universe competition. That’s what a real man looks like.” His eyes turned to Artie for a moment, then back to the television. 

“Look at my transitions. People don’t know this, but it’s not just the poses, but how you move from one to the other. It’s like dancing. Look at that front-lat spread! I’m unstoppable.”

Artie looked from the television to his dad. His bloated stomach hung out from under his shirt and his legs were swollen and red. A once chiseled jaw was hidden beneath puffy cheeks and a scraggly gray beard.

“You know, Joe Wieder told me I would be the next big thing. That if I wanted I could become an action star, a real celebrity, a somebody. Maybe even get my name etched in one of those sidewalk stars. Everywhere I went, I kid you not, people stared. I felt like a god.” 

Artie tried to muster the courage to break the bad news. He’d spent many late nights recently in front of the bathroom mirror, splashing cold water in his face and practicing what to say: 

“Pop, we’ve got to put you in a home.”

“We’ve got to place you in an elderly care facility, Pop.”

“I can’t take care of you like this anymore. Your health is declining. You’ve fallen twice. You broke a rib last month. I no longer spend quality time with my children. I’m becoming an absent father like you were.” 

“You’re fucking going away, Pop. That’s that. I’m tired of this shit. I’m not you’re fucking servant. I’m your son. I deserve better. Why don’t you respect me?” 

Admittedly, he hated to think about his father at an elderly facility. Perfectly manicured lawns, soft-spoken orderlies, tiny paper cups filled with pills: all hiding the fact that it was a house of death. He wondered if he struggled to tell his dad for his own sake, his own fear of seeing Superman tumble from the sky. 

“You know, bodybuilding used to be a circus act,” his father suddenly started. “Strong men were freaks, like bearded ladies or wolfmen. But Eugen Sandow changed that. He held the world’s first bodybuilding show, called it ‘The Great Competition.’ What we call bodybuilding now was born from this great man’s vision. Great men, Artie, shape the world.”

His father’s monologues still had the ability to move him. When he was a kid there was nothing he aspired to be more than one of the great men his father talked about.  

“Well,” his father said, “I’ve got to hit the shitter. Don’t touch the remote.”

He went to sit up and failed. And then tried again.

Artie rushed to his dad’s side and grabbed his arm. His dad slapped his hand away. 

“I don’t need your help. I’m perfectly capable of getting up on my own.”

He slowly pushed himself up out of the chair and then grabbed his cane and marched off to the bathroom. 

Artie sat alone in the living room. The silver screen flashing with images of past muscle men, some long dead. He wondered where those still living were now. He closed his eyes and imagined all of them clambering onto stage in their old age, including his dad, barely able to make it up the steps. Gray hair, wrinkled flesh, hanging jowls. Each standing almost naked in their posing trunks, greased and tanned and not long for the world. 

On the screen, he watched their former selves pose. He knew all the moves, all the various postures: front lat-spread, most muscular, side chest, crucifix, ab and thigh, etc. He was an expert in a subject he didn’t care about. 

He studied his father’s face on the television. He looked exactly how he remembered him as a kid, when he was only ever a visitor in his life, always coming and going, always on the road competing, posing for magazines, running around with women that weren’t his mom. 

The walls of the living room were filled with pictures from magazines of his father in the seventies, at the height of his career. Plus, any clippings from newspapers that happened to mention his name. In the center of it all, right above the television, was a picture of him holding up Artie as a baby on stage like a trophy, his father’s handsome face beaming. Artie was too young to remember the moment and his dad never talked about it, but it was the first picture his dad put up when he moved into the house. 

Artie started to pick up some of the dirty clothes and empty bottles on the floor when he heard a crash come from the bathroom. 

He ran towards the noise. 

“Pop, you okay? Everything okay?”

“Everything is fine God damn it. I just slipped, that’s all.” 

Artie threw open the door. His father was sitting next to the toilet with blood running down his face. 

“I said I’m fine, God damn it.”

“Pop, you’re bleeding.” 

Artie stared down at him. His dad suddenly looked small, frail. 

He thought about all of the stories of great men his dad told him. Eugen Sandow, Frank Zane, Brian Buchanan, Lee Priest. ‘A great man takes no shit from anybody,’ his dad told him once. ‘He does what he must, he looks fear in the face and says fuck you.’ Artie slumped down on the floor next to his dad and handed him a rag. 

“Pop, I’ve got to put you in a home.”

His dad looked over at him in silence, blood running from his forehead to his chin. For a moment nobody said anything. The only sounds were his father’s heavy breathing and the bodybuilders posing in the living room. 

“Fine, but I’m taking my tapes.”

Nathan Bogart is a Pushcart-nominated writer from Detroit, Michigan. He’s been published with Flash Fiction Magazine and Macrina Magazine. He’s currently an MFA student at the University of North Carolina Wilmington.

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Across The Wire Vol. 3

Eyes in a Jar

By JD Clapp

When Titus tired of seeing his life, he plucked his left eyeball from his head with a grapefruit spoon and put it in a mason jar filled with moonshine. He put the jar in a burlap sack he carried everywhere. When he needed escape from the struggles of life, he’d pull the jar from its sack and close his right eye to view his life through a drunken haze. 

He began to favor this drunkard’s view, and one day plucked his right eye out and added it to the jar. For a while, Titus carried his eye jar of ‘shine around, happily seeing the world through drunken, pickled, martini olive eyes. 

With time his eyes became tolerant to the ‘shine. It was then that Titus came to understand the world was as he’d seen it before, made worse from being hungover. So, Titus ventured to the edge of the sea and opened his jar and drank the ‘shine, leaving his eyes at the bottom, staring dully up at him. He filled the jar with sand and put it in his sack and tossed it into the waves.

Unable to see and stone sober, a good man came by, took Titus by the hand, and led him to his home, where he fed and cared for him. And together knowing the joy of friendship and compassion, they ventured out each morning and spread the good word, and the inherent kindness untapped in all people, Titus not seeing their words held little sway on the drunken, deaf masses.

JD Clapp lives in San Diego, CA. His work has appeared in Cowboy Jamboree, Bristol Noir, Roi Fainéant Press, Trampset, Punk Noir and numerous others. In 2023, he was a Pushcart nominee in nonfiction, and had a fictional story selected as a finalist in the Hemingway Shorts, Short Story competition. He is a regular contributor to Poverty House.

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Across The Wire Vol. 3

Blinds

By Alexander Fredman

The deer out there will still be eating when we finish. (We’re eating tomatoes on toast.) The fence of the garden is for rabbits, for show. Anything that wants can hop it. It’s a foot of chicken wire taut between wooden posts. 

There are four of them. A buck and two does, one fawn. It is natural to wonder what happened to the other fawn. (There must have been another.)  

Green stalks turned in, trampled. The buck’s antlers haven’t yet come to point. We’ve watched him for years. You’ve said Get the gun and meant it. So what if that was another. In crepuscular light on a cool morning, hungry. I picked the ripe tomatoes this morning. I prepared these plates for us both. It’s silly, I know. 

It’s still too early to shoot, even if—let them have at it. See the pale juice bead their elastic lips. So happy they are to have a mealy tomato, undone. What would go well with venison? Recollection is sparse. When I last had it deer were still rare here, it was a task to hunt them, it was a succession of failures. Childhood was spare and sketched in places to hide. Or ways to see the world and forget you’re in it. You know it wasn’t hate, that ancient thing, perched on a platform on a tree, watching for something to break the stillness. Gun in hand. It was love, of what? You taught me, but I let the years crawl on. 

This house has been patched on with fresh space in the time since. Sometimes I sit where the old floorboards give way to new. Smooth wood, lacking the gaps that grew with time. The gun is gone but what could be done there, there there, your voice–there are such things as laws in this country. Damn what I could do about it

Outside a deer kicks at a post. The wood is soft and rotting, but it doesn’t give way.  After the tomatoes, they move on to the zucchini. Our largesse. In the pall of a thicket just beyond the garden a fifth stands, its body slight and shadowy. The other fawn, but as a cloud ducks the sun and a young light comes I can see that it’s not, it is an old one, the early markings of this year’s larger antlers. A blanched face, he emerges shy for the feast. He stands on the edge of the dark overgrowth and in the white light he is particulated, smoke in the air. He watches his progeny gorge themselves. Get fat to get through the winter, if they get there. Season starts October 1. Licenses cost twenty-two dollars for state residents. He knows this, the old one.  He is cautious, from a different time. Like you, I think. Eat your toast, I think, and look to where you would be, the seat that still wears the indentation of your body. The oak chair with a memory of you in relief. 

 By hunting season, the gourds will be in. Orange flesh melting on black dirt brings the memory of what you once loved. That pie that I made just for you. You did love it, I tell myself, insecure even in absence. With the shifting wind comes the smell of cardamom and ginger. 

No gun, but there are still some unspent shells in a drawer. Somewhere. I could throw them on the ground and hope for a pop. At a campfire as a kid—I smile at that thought. No carcasses that day but bullets tossed like bullets. We were happy without. Even in lean times you laughed at that. The fire made the woods dark.  Faces in weird clarity.  The day was stripped bare. We tossed bullets like bullets, through the fog. Off to a good start but they hit without a bang. We threw and gathered them, us kids. Later I slept against your leg. You kept your hand on the gun. Your age then is now young. It has been longer without you than with. 

The curtains feint in slack air. I push them aside. The deer eat on. I pick a fleck of black on the window, shut one eye, and aim. Get the old one right in my sightline. Cock my head, pop my tongue. Then I laugh. As long as I watch the deer they can’t leave. That was my trouble with you. I let my sight slip, then and now. My eyelids soften here on the leather chair facing the window. Dreaming, the man of the house waits patiently for the past to arrive. 

Alexander Fredman lives in New York. His fiction has appeared or is forthcoming in The Kenyon Review, Post Road, Heavy Feather Review, and Hobart.

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Across The Wire Vol. 3

It Wouldn’t Hurt You

By Claire Hopple

They are burying him in a red nose and overlarge shoes and a rainbow wig, all of which they found inside the chest up in his attic. His mistress is the first to scream at the big reveal. Then some kids who look like they’ve been playing in the mud even though they’re wearing their dressy clothes reserved for special occasions. I consider joining them. Screaming has a certain allure to it, and nobody knows what to make of this configuration in front of us. A good release is in order.

He would’ve hated this final act. They did it because they all wholeheartedly agreed he deserved it. These are his children, mind you. Grown children. They felt Jackson deserved this treatment because he was not a very nice person. Joe, the firstborn, said it was okay. Joe gave them the all-clear, and that was all they needed. They thought he’d never looked more appropriate, more himself, in this getup. They had to tuck in the wig at the sides before they closed his cardboard coffin for good. 

Now here we are, incurably witnessing them hoist the coffin up, over, and down into a freshly dug hole for a somewhat un-fresh body.

We don’t really concentrate on Mikey, the youngest son, drinking one of his kid’s unnaturally hued beverages from a plastic container in the shape of a barrel, strips of foil lingering around the top’s circumference. 

Their dad found himself at a safe distance from safety one too many times. Jackson was struck by lightning while opening the garage door of his mistress’s house, we’re told. Everybody tried not to read into it. You could say the man had a death wish long before that, but that’s the one that did the trick. 

I stare Mikey and his plastic barrel down a little too hard and he gives me this look like: What? It’s not as if I went looking for this drink. I don’t know about you, but it’s easy for me to picture Mikey rummaging through his father’s valuables. We met in front of the dunk tank at our town’s carnival. His wife had left years earlier. Our relationship is not of great importance to you, and I’d like to keep it that way. 

These exploits might sound rather morbid––maybe even cruel and unusual, to use the government’s phrasing––but I am accustomed to morbid. 

A teacher of mine once recited a famous quote that went something like: Every time an old person dies, it’s like a small library is burning down. And that quote really stuck with me. So I moved to an apartment beside a crematorium in case their ashes of wisdom would float over and stick with me too. Plus I’ve been waiting my whole life to become an old woman. Imagine living long enough that everything becomes nostalgia. Nostalgia is magic because we know we make it through what’s already happened. We’re safe. The phrase “your whole life is ahead of you” means you should be overwhelmed if not frightened, whereas “your whole life is behind you” means you’ve worked hard and you can rest now. You can be your best and worst self––sometimes simultaneously––without having to make excuses anymore. Every day, I’m one step closer. We all have our rituals. We’ve entangled ourselves with violent affection. And these rituals will lead to our downfall.

We live in a town that’s famous for its number of Arby’s restaurants per capita, if that tells you anything. 

Mikey says we’ll get an inheritance sometime in the near future. The overdue bills tell me it’s already the near future. Arguing with paper gets you nowhere. There is ample evidence. 

Tim, the middle brother, decides right then and there to interrupt the minister––who’s actually a friend of theirs that got some kind of religious certificate from the internet and won’t let anyone forget about it––to speak his peace.

“Our subject was loaded. And we were, we are, his blood relatives. That has to mean something,” Tim says.

“A shopping spree,” Mikey says.

“Something else,” I say.

Joe approaches the grave and throws his phone into the hole beside his father’s body. “There will be little to no consequences for these actions,” he says, inching back to his place in the crowd.

“I never put much stock in communication,” Mikey agrees.

“I’m sorry, I have to leave early. My cat is sick,” says a distant relative.

“But you don’t have a cat,” says another relative. 

“It wouldn’t hurt you to at least pretend,” says the first relative.

Jackson’s wife clears her throat. Here comes.

“He was a wonderful husband. I don’t care what anyone says,” she slurs.

We’re unsure whether she said too little or too much. Some of us were expecting a showdown, albeit a one-directional showdown.

A reporter peeks his head above the crowd for a few seconds, scribbling notes. 

“Get a good look,” she says. Then she whispers to the coffin, “I know you’re in there.” 

You will notice we’re all here for different reasons, and these reasons have shackled themselves to each of us. We’re losing patience with these very reasons as we speak.

“And that’s how you host a burial. Piece of cake,” says the fake minister. 

Jackson’s wife, Joe’s and Tim’s and Mikey’s mother––she was a person before any of them came along, and her name is Cassie––will disappear after this. What they’ll find is a used box of hair dye, some rusty scissors, and a pile of old clothes in the single-seater bathroom at one of the (almost) innumerable Arby’s locations.

You can call this guy, Terry, and he’ll make you a new life just like that. Or so Mikey will say to me after his mom’s gone missing. It will be too soon to tell whether she will ever come back. It will always be too soon to tell, just like it will always be the near future. 

In the meantime, Mikey will keep a copy of his father’s will and testament under his pillow right next to his high school soccer trophy. He will say sleeping atop these objects doesn’t hurt one bit.


Claire Hopple is the author of six books and the fiction editor at XRAY. Her stories have appeared in Wigleaf, Vol. 1 Brooklyn, Forever Mag, and others. She grew up in the woods of Pennsylvania and currently lives in Asheville, NC. More at clairehopple.com.

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Across The Wire Vol. 3

America Bird

By Michael McSweeney

Burning past Buffalo through the wildfire haze, I wanted to feel momentous, part of a final history, a mover in the American age of malaise, a reporter in the heat of the breaking news belching from the Quebecois woods, spotlit by a low and violet sun. But in reality, I was alone, thirty-five, and afraid to die on the road to Chicago. Then a bald eagle flew through the window and landed beside me.

The eagle’s alabaster crown shone in the dying daylight. Feathers brown like melted chocolate. Its talons chewed the leather seat. 

I waited for a lot of things to happen. All that happened was that I drove for seventeen more miles to the next rest area where I claimed a parking spot near the rear of the lot. When we stopped the eagle sang, a strident terrifying portamento. Its amber eyes tore me. Exposed my lowest, most degrading fears. Then quiet pooled inside the car. 

I took a bag of jerky from the center console and peeled it open. Raised a chunk of salty beef. The eagle blinked at the jerky before seizing the meat with its beak. I watched its cruel efficiency and I chewed a piece of my own.

Peace lingered as we emptied the bag. The red sun squatted against unfamiliar hills. The dashboard blinked an eight chased by dueling zeroes. I took my phone from my pocket. Skimmed through a friend’s two-dozen unanswered texts. I wasn’t having a mid-life crisis. I was having a quarter-life crisis. I shouldn’t presume that I’ll die so young, they said. 

I thought about answering. Then I dropped my phone in a cup holder and tugged the car into drive. 

The eagle settled down after a few miles. I tried not to wonder about the costs of leather repair. It’s not every day a bald eagle catches a ride with you. I grazed the radio. The eagle flared at stations for techno, country, and bitter talk radio. It relaxed to some jazz. Closed its eyes. Ornette Coleman bore us into Pennsylvania. 

I wondered if the eagle cared where I was going. A reading in Chicago. The next night and the next. A throng of writers and musicians for the renegade fall of America. 

Two hours later the car curled around the hotel’s rear. I looked at the eagle. I couldn’t leave the bird in the car. Streetlights betrayed the choking air. The hot summer night threatened its advantage if the AC died. The eagle raised its head, as if expectant of a plan. 

I got out of the car, came around to the other side, and opened the door.

Out you go, little guy. The eagle stared at me. I briefly considered risking the onslaught that would follow any attempt to lift the eagle or otherwise urge it physically out of the car. I gave up, returned to my seat, and closed the door. Then the first mad etchings of an idea came to me. 

Uh…wanna climb? I asked, then held my arm out.

The eagled cocked its head and stared. 

Okay, that’s not gonna work, I said. Then I said, Okay, let’s try this.

 I stiffened my body and stared ahead. After a few moments, the eagle rose on the seat. Its eyes never left me. But the eagle’s movements, the feather twitches, the talon tweaks stopped. The bird didn’t so much as blink.

Yeah, I said. Yeah! I said louder, and the eagle chirped and gripped the ruined leather seat. We understood each other, I thought.

I mimicked immobility again. Then, carefully, in painstaking centimeters, I took the eagle in my hands. Held it close. Got out of the car, scooped my backpack from the rear, then paced a line of slow and anxious steps toward the hotel doors. Across the road rumbled a tavern, its outline neon-red. A pack of smokers heaped extra mouthfuls beneath a ragged awning. I kept walking and entered the cool touch of the conditioned lobby. The eagle made a soft noise but remained inert. 

Cool bird, said the front-desk guy. 

Thanks, I said, reaching for my wallet with my free arm. Never leave home without it.

Who did the work?

Eh?

The restoration. It’s really good quality, said the guy, and he leaned forward. I turned my body, to prevent a closer look.

Oh, uh, I’m not sure. My dad gave it to me. Found it in a dumpster. Really lucky find.

Pretty clean for something you found in a dumpster.

Don’t I know it, I said. 

Our conversation waned as the guy chose my room. Two beds in the far corner. The pulse of fireworks broke through the walls and the eagle stirred in my arm. I cleared my throat.

Party outside? I asked, raising my voice. 

That bar across the way, said the guy. Fucking maniacs. Fourth of July every night this week. I call the police but they do nothing. 

That’s too bad.

I feel like a loser. Getting upset. But you get used to the quiet.

I know what you mean.

The vulnerable moment, the weakness the guy betrayed, slipped into nothing. He handed me two keycards and pointed me to the elevators. Once the doors shut the eagle stirred. Talons tested the bounds of my flesh. I shuddered under the immensity of its strength, restrained, watchful. We rose through the bones of the hotel.

Once in my hotel room, the eagle detached and drifted across the room to the bed. Plucked and tore at the sheets. I cried out and approached and the eagle snapped its beak at me. As if to say, I’m in control now. The eagle continued to tear at the bed. Like the wet heart of prey lay inside the sheets. I imagined dollars pouring from sliced arteries, dropped my things by the door, and went into the bathroom.

The mirror wouldn’t reveal whether the smoke had aged me. I flashed my teeth and remembered I forgot to buy toothpaste. Another misstep on the road. I searched beneath the sink and found the dead worm curl of a toothpaste tube. I squeezed it for signs of life. A tear of white squirted out. I rubbed it against my teeth, around my gums, the dry scrape of pharmaceutical mint. Then I stripped my clothes and stepped in the shower. 

The eagle stood perched on the TV when I left the bathroom. One of its claws punctured the dark screen. The eagle twisted its head and watched me pull clothes on my still-wet body. I felt like prey. A cold and hollow wash. I imagine this is how the rabbit feels when it first spots a shadow circling on the grass. 

I decided to go to the bar. I finished dressing, pulled on my shoes, and grabbed my phone from the bedside table. More texts from the friend. Don’t let that breakup fuck with your head. This isn’t the crisis you think it is. Call me. Call me. Ignore the anxiety. Happy 4th of July if I don’t hear from you. 

I made for the door. A scuffle of talons followed close. The eagle, head tilted in seeming curiosity, croaked at me, as if wantingly. I extended my arm and the eagle climbed my leg and settled on the offered perch.

Alright then. I guess we’re gonna go drink, I told the eagle. 

We left the hotel and traversed the toxic-mouthful paces to the bar. Patriotic glam rock slammed against us when we entered the sweat-breath swell of people. It made no sense how busy the place was, here on some highway-flung tavern an inch on the map from Lake Erie. I pushed closer to the bar. The eagle chirped and tucked its head close to my shoulder. 

I tried to buy a whiskey sour and the bartender, a middle-aged woman with gray hair tied up in a knot, put her hands on the counter and leaned forward.

Is that a real bird or what?

As I started to stammer in reply the eagle raised its head to the bartender. Before the bartender could react, some drunk guy to my left leaned forward and shouted, Hey, this asshole’s got an America bird with him.

Eagle, someone else yelled. An American eagle. Or something.

America bird! the drunk guy repeated. Somebody get this America bird a drink. 

The drunk guy tugged on my eagle-free shoulder.

Hey, buddy, let me buy your America bird a drink.

The drunk guy took some cash from his wallet and crumpled the bills on the counter.

Some beer for this America bird, he said to the bartender.

The bartender looked at me and then the eagle and then the drunk guy, and then his money. Picked up the cash, counted the bills, and then from behind the bar took a small wooden bowl and poured some beer in it from the tap. As she poured a crowd gathered around us, drink-brandishing gawkers sipping and watching and whispering about the eagle. 

The bartender set the bowl on the counter and we all watched the eagle.

Go on, little fella, I said.

The eagle clambered down from my arm and rested on the counter. It lowered its beak to the bowl of beer, considered it, and then began to lap up the beer with its thin, pink tongue.

America bird’s drinking a fucking beer! the drunk guy shouted. The crowd clamored and cheered. The bartender poured my whiskey sour and I took a greedy swig. Then I bought the eagle another beer. 

A woman in an American flag tank top pushed her way to the bar. She reached out and stroked the eagle’s feathers. The eagle kept drinking. 

This is the greatest July 4th pre-game I’ve ever been to, she said to me. Then she asked, Is it safe for it to drink beer? 

I have no idea, I said. 

The bartender took her phone out of her pocket and typed. There’s a video on here about a crow that drank beer, she said. 

She held the phone up to me. A grainy news clip from the 1970s showed a black crow hopping around a bar counter and sipping from mugs of beer. The crow knocked one of the mugs over and hopped around in the mess.

That’s amazing, the woman said.

We finished another round of drinks, and then another. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d gotten that drunk. I took my phone from my pocket and skimmed through the texts from my friend. It’s not like I wanted to ignore him. I just preferred to speed past my problems. Leave them in a ditch by the road. Drive until the accumulated damage blew the tires out.

The eagle jerked forward and snapped at my phone with its beak. It pierced the glass and I dropped the phone onto the counter. I reached for it, slowly. The screen still responded to my touch but now a crack-swirled puncture ruled its center. The eagle screeched. I released the phone again. 

Trying to text someone important, the woman in the tank top said. The bar had grown louder so she had to yell to be heard. 

Sort of, I said.

The bird is right. You should stay in the moment.

Maybe.

Don’t text at the bar. That’s a rule I have. It’s too easy to tell the truth and lie at the same time.

How does that work?

The woman thumbed her glass for a moment. I don’t know, she said. It just makes sense when I say it aloud.

I’m having a crisis, I told her.

How come?

It’s like, I don’t know why things are the way they are anymore.

Like what?  

Like working. I work because I should work. And when I’m working, I worry about the next time I’ll work, and I worry if one day I won’t have work.

Like being laid off or some shit?

Yeah. 

What about right now?

I don’t know. I guess I sort of forgot about it until I took my phone out.

Then keep that shit away. Live in the moment. Find hope in that. Hope in the moment. 

The woman put her drink on the counter and laughed. Then she said, Maybe that’s hard to feel when we’re all choking on smoke. But it’s the truth.

Then someone dropped their glass and the people in the crowd expelled a collective ohh, and the eagle did too, hunching and croaking with delight. 

The drinks kept flowing. I told the bartender I’d known the eagle since childhood. Best friend growing up. The eagle leaped off the counter and soared across the crowd and everyone cheered. Then the eagle flew back and landed on my shoulder. Talons tore through skin. I flinched but the whiskey dulled the pain. I was too happy to worry about anything. 

The woman asked if I wanted to smoke. I said yes and she led me up a narrow staircase to the roof. I barely noticed the smoke in the air. Took an offered cigarette. After a few puffs, the eagle shifted and croaked again. I turned my head and the eagle was eyeing my cigarette. I held it up to the eagle. The eagle nipped at the end of it with its beak. Elation swelled inside me and I laughed.

Okay, I definitely think it’s bad for a bird to smoke, the woman said.

This eagle, I said. This fucking eagle. 

You guys seem close.

He saved my life.

How?

Good luck. He’s a good luck bird.

Okay.

I wandered to the edge of the roof. The smoke in the air was still just as thick but I noticed, for the first time, that I could still see the vague etchings of light cast by cars on the highway. Speeding through the danger. Swiftly seeking home. The hint of forest stretched on forever. That’s beautiful, I said. Look at this night. Beautiful.

Be careful over there, the woman called.

I didn’t reply but I raised my hand to gesture with my cigarette. As if trying to wave my thoughts into focus. Invincibility, connection, America. I knew I had to do something to mark the moment. 

Let’s go for a flight, I told the eagle. Just a little flap around. 

There was no doubt that the eagle supported me. Believed in my ability to fly. We’d come too far together. The moment demanded we be airborne. I raised my arms and stepped beyond the edge. I remember the tumble, a shout from behind, the spin of my body, a harsh yelp, a furious flutter, a hot wet crack in my arm, the pavement, a swift and concrete unconsciousness. 

***

I woke up in my car. Sprawled in the back seat. My left arm, stiff and swollen, was bound in a sling made from a bartender’s apron. My lungs ached. Everything ached. I sat up. Someone, the hotel staff probably, had collected my bags and left them half-open in the front seat. No note. Just a swift and silent ejection. 

The world was clear through the smudged windows. The smoke drifted elsewhere in the night. I saw chipped-face commercial buildings with big garage doors like brown teeth. 

After a stretch of wounded time, I moved to the driver’s seat and groped around for my belongings. No cash in the wallet. Keys under the floor mat. I clicked my phone’s broken screen and squinted at the time. 3 p.m. Half the day, gone. I should’ve been on the outskirts of Illinois by now. But there I was, injured near Lake Erie, wondering where the eagle had gone.

All I had were the remnants of the eagle’s presence. The fucked-up car seats. Scabbed-over cuts on my arms. The beak-broken phone. Stray feathers on the dash. Signs, but not proof, of a profound and wondrous experience. I wished the eagle hadn’t left. But maybe that was the point. The eagle was always going to leave. People experience miracles until they don’t. Nations fail because their people stop believing that temporary miracles are enough. 

I started the car. The gas needle flicked up to the halfway point. Not enough to reach Chicago. Not enough to flee back home. No digital map to guide me. 

But I had a destination, a westerly point, a daytime star. Skies clear for the first time in days. I’d survived a fall. I hadn’t died on the road to Chicago, not yet at least. 

My body in revolt, I reached for the seatbelt.

Michael McSweeney is a writer from Massachusetts. He lives online @mpmcsweeney.

Categories
Across The Wire Vol. 3

Rose Rocks 

By Mason Parker

It ends with me on hands and knees looking at my teeth in a puddle of blood as Darling stomps her feet on the floor. A rose rock spins, tilted on the linoleum. Outside, the rain falls west-leaning in big floppy drips from the sky–I could look up and see nothing forever, because the night is filled with streetlights and neon signs. She is bleeding from a cut over her eye, streaming through the wrinkles in her face. She is too young for those wrinkles, deep canyons carved from years of untreated BPD. I pick up my teeth and put them in my pocket. 

“You have to see someone,” I say. “We can’t live like this. We’re going to die.”

“Don’t gaslight me.”

“You can’t gaslight an actual crazy person. That’s not how it works.” 

We fuck savagely.

I clean up my blood with a wet rag and tell myself this is love.

Rewind ten months and two days, we’ve swiped right, and I’m messaging her, sitting at the end of a long table inside Terry the Tweaker’s house with a couple hot rails cut up on a white plate that has pink carnations painted on the lip. Terry the Tweaker met a girl on the app who had four kids. Terry had two kids, so now they have six. When he buys the family snow cones, it costs him forty dollars. That must be love.

Darling likes that I’m into yoga. She asks what kind I practice. Pranayama, I say, emphasizing that I’m not into the suburban housewife hot yoga bullshit. I’m into mind-expanding breathwork. She sends me videos of her spinning an LED hoop as Too Fine to Do Time by PantyRaid plays in the background. She is very good, but I’m just watching her tits bounce like a pig. I dunno, maybe I deserved all the beatings.

Fast forward eleven months and nine days, I’m inside an old woman in the back of a Subaru Forester parked off Wabash Street in Deadwood, SD. Not old. Maybe late fifties. So, yeah, old I guess. When we finish she starts talking about her son, Percy. Percy’s my age and dying of pancreatic cancer from drinking a handle of whiskey every day. The drinking started after Percy’s military service when his high school sweetheart got knocked up by her weed dealer and dumped him during deployment. Her name was Sara. Percy came home and started fucking a guy, but he swore to his mom and everyone else that he wasn’t gay. It wasn’t like that. She tells me she didn’t care if he was gay. Says it wasn’t worth drinking himself to death over it. She talks about Percy in the past tense. I get the feeling she’s lying. She hated that he was gay, told him as much, and is hoping to clear her name in hindsight. The conversation bums me out, so I take a pull from a bottle of bourbon. I crack the window and try to breathe clean air, but all I can taste is cigarettes. I have a bag of rose rocks in my backpack. There’s only a few left. I run my eyes over the woman, not remembering her name, but letting my gaze get caught in the cleft of her crow’s feet. I wonder if this could be love, but I miss Darling. 

Rewind ten months and twenty-one days, Darling shows up at my house for the first time sloppy from drinking and maybe benzos. I don’t know. I’m sloppy from drinking and maybe benzos. I don’t know. Zach is over, and he always has pills, but mostly opiates and opioids. They make me nauseous until I’m blissfully puking into my unwashed toilet bowl. Darling is falling out of her chair, eyes heavy, nodding off. I’m puking and smiling with lunch caught in my molars. This is only our first date, but we feel big love simmering inside the chaos.

Fast-forward a month and three days, I’m starting to get jealous because it feels like maybe Darling has fucked every guy she’s ever met. It makes for awkward conversations at house parties and shows at the Attic. Every time someone says, “Oh, you’re dating Darling, huh?” I start to get self-conscious and think, Why? Did you fuck her too? I’m trying to be socially progressive and forward-thinking about it, but all I can picture are gangbangs and spit-roasts and bukkakes. I know I’m not supposed to slut-shame. I’ve watched that one scene in Chasing Amy, but it feels out of my control like the thoughts rise up from nowhere. It makes me angry. First at her and then at myself. If I’m too jealous and territorial, it’s only because I’m in love, right? 

Fast-forward one month and nine days, Darling talks me into doing a kick door at her old neighbor’s house to get her sewing machine back. I tell her I’ll just buy her a new sewing machine. She says she wants that one. It’s the same machine some hutterites used to teach her how to sew, so it has sentimental value. I say yes, because I’m in love and easily persuaded into committing petty crime. We slip on ski masks. Darling’s is hot pink, which feels a little too conspicuous, but this is her burglary, I’m just living in it. 

She asks me to kick the door in, so I do. She pulls a .38 from the pocket of her hoodie. It’s my .38 that I keep hidden between the quilts in the closet. 

“Why do you have a gun? Is that my fucking gun?” I whisper, frantic.

“Just in case things go wrong,” she says too loudly, like we’re not balls deep in a felony.

“It seems unnecessary to kill someone over a sewing machine.”

“That sewing machine means a lot to me, Julian.”

“Please quiet your–just shhh, and don’t say my actual name. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Biggie’s second Crack Commandment says to move in silence and violence, but Darling appears to only understand half that edict. The door is wide open, off the hinges and no one is home. It’s so quiet inside that the sound of Darling pulling the hammer back on the .38 fills the empty house. I start to wonder what Darling does all day when I leave and drag ass to stock groceries at Whole Foods. She rummages through my stuff, but what else did she take? She could just ask. I’d give her anything she wanted like I did with the iPad and the sheet of acid. But, to be fair, I wouldn’t have given her the gun. 

Darling starts loading up a big duffle bag with more than just the sewing machine, which doesn’t bother me. We’re already here, so why not? But I’m nervous about the gun. There’s part of me that thinks she’s going to turn it on me, because I’m such a big fat fucking asshole. It would be good cover if I was found dead wearing a ski mask in a stranger’s house with the door kicked off the hinges, though my boss at Whole Foods, Larry, would be surprised. I show up on time. I quietly stack pomegranates. I read on my breaks. I go home. I’m not like sloppy ass Luke. Luke comes in drunk, passes out in the vegetable cooler, and blames it on a spider bite. I come in hungover and handle my shit. Larry would be shocked. 

Nah, I decide there’s no way she wants to bump up a B&E to a murder charge.

Fast forward three months and fifteen days, a warrant goes out for Darling’s arrest because the person we robbed knows damn well it was Darling and somehow there’s a witness–some crusty nosy-ass neighbor. My name isn’t brought up. I babysit Darling’s seven-year-old daughter while she goes to a work party where she’s busted for public intox and weed. They find the pink ski mask in her backpack, and she catches a few cases. I rage call her all night until the sun comes up thinking she’s prolly cheating, prolly gone home with some guy or guys, prolly having a train run on her. In reality, she is sitting in a jail cell, being interrogated, not snitching. We spend lots of time in and out of the courtroom. The judge settles on weekend jail. 

Over the next few months, she works as a prep cook in an Italian restaurant, where we meet by the back door to smoke cigarettes. We stay up late drinking and sometimes, if it’s after 2 am, we sneak into the back of the restaurant and pull bottles of house red from the wine rack. She says she’s going to replace them but never does. Then Friday rolls around, so I take her to jail. I kiss her goodbye and tell her I love her. I spend weekends alone or with my family and friends. Everything is perfect. These are the good days. This is love. The blue sky looks brighter. The trees sing. I turn up the music in my car and drive to the lake. I lay on the shore. I think life would be better if Darling spent weekends in jail forever. Then, on Sunday night, I pick her up, and we get dinner because she’s tired of jail food. Nothing expensive, Taco Bell or Burger King.

One night we’re deep into it. All of it. And I’m feeling reproductive, so we have to go to Wal-Mart in the morning for Plan B. When we have sex, she blames the quirks of her body on her pregnancy. The hair in odd places. The way her breasts sag. The bumps and blemishes on her skin. I don’t mind any of it. It makes her feel lived in. 

We find the Plan B by the other contraceptives. She tells me she hates taking Plan B, because it does weird stuff to her body, but she doesn’t want a second kid and definitely not with me. Fair. 

We exit through the fish section, and though Darling won’t bear my children, she’s willing to share a betta. We look at the fish and find a particularly grisly one that’s red and black and stares through the glass like it wants to eat our souls.

“I like that one,” Darling says. Her eyes are as blue as oceans and dead people. You can see the white all around them when she’s excited, and she is always so excited. She smiles and her cheeks pull her lips from her teeth. They are white and imperfect just like us. 

“Yeah, me too,” I say. 

We name the fish Brotha Lynch and put him in a bowl with a Buddha statue on the bookshelf. He is always staring out, watching us, waiting for fish food and souls.   

We have hobbies together, fire dancing and costume making. She says the thing she loves most about me is that I’m not very attractive, but I’m confident about it. She shows me her favorite spot for collecting rose rocks off Highway 9. Rose rocks are swirling red stones that formed millions of years ago after the ocean receded and was replaced with sandstone. We fill zip lock bags with rocks before laying in the grass until nightfall. Above us there’s a meteor shower and a million stars. I try to count them out loud, but I keep losing track. Darling thinks it’s funny at first, but she soon gets annoyed and tells me to stop. I continue counting stars in my head with my arm wrapped around her. 

After Darling’s last weekend in jail, I pick her up and we go to the Chinese buffet to celebrate.

 I say, “I’m about to gord myself on sesame chicken.”

“You’re about to what yourself on sesame chicken?”

“Gord myself. Like, get really full on it.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean, but the word is gorge. You gorge yourself on food.”

“Gorge? That doesn’t make sense.”

“It doesn’t matter that it doesn’t make sense. That’s what it is. That’s the word.”

“It’s gord like Gordie the pig. That’s why he’s called Gordie because he’s a pig and he gords.”

“No.”

We look it up, and Darling is right. We sit down at the Chinese buffet and gorge ourselves. 

Fast forward two months and all of it comes crashing down. She’s supposed to be at work, but I catch her with her ex at an Irish pub while walking to the cigarette store. I turn away before they see me. That no good snatch. How could she? Did that C-L-O-W-N clown kick in a door for her? Did he babysit her kid while she was doing an overnighter? Did he drop her off every Friday for weekend jail? Did he give her an iPad and a sheet of LSD? This is love, God damn it, but she’s not acting like it. I’m going to demand she act more in love, or I’ll leave her ass. 

I wait for her to get home before I ambush her. No calls. No texts. I want her to feel caught off guard, trapped. I tell her I know everything. I know she was getting railed by some dude today. She starts crying, so I know it’s true. Then she starts screaming like she does when she’s lying. 

I shout, “Fuck you!” Which prompts her to push over the fishbowl, dumping our demonic little betta onto the floor. She picks up a rose rock from the bookshelf and hurls it at me. It hits me in the mouth, so my teeth are raining into a pool of blood–I’m thinking, God damn, this is apocalyptic. This is the end times. But I’m rushed and exhilarated, knowing the only thing that could make us care this much is love. I pick up the rose rock and throw it back at her. It hits her over the eye, and she collapses. She is knocked out for a second, so I start picking up my teeth. Brotha Lynch is flip-flopping beside her head until he stops flip-flopping. Brotha Lynch dies. Darling wakes up and we have sex. She asks, “Is this how you like me?” as blood streams down her face. I grunt and mutter, “Yes… yeah… this is how I like you,” and it’s fucked up because it’s true. She falls asleep. I snatch our big bag of rose rocks from the cabinet, get in my car, and turn north. I’m not going back. I’ll drive away from everything until I run out of gas and money in South Dakota then I’ll hop a train. Larry is going to be so disappointed in me, shocked that I quit without putting in my two weeks. It’s so unlike me. I’m so dependable. 

I sell our rose rocks to tourists for cash on the streets of Deadwood. They buy them for ten or twenty dollars a rock depending on the size. I left my phone on purpose, so when Darling tries to call, the vibration will rumble through the emptiness of our apartment, and she will know that there is no way to get a hold of me. I’m a ghost on the plains, the only sign of me an echo moving through the lonesome silence of her life.

The day after I have sex with the old homophobic woman, I sell my last rose rock. I have no other way to make money, so I start hitchhiking south. The plains stretch under the heat, so they look liquid from the passenger seat of a Sentra driven by a professional bowler named Diane. Diane tells me it has been years since she bowled under a 150. 

“I still use bumpers,” I say.

Diane slams the brakes in the middle of I-35. 

“That’s sacrilege! The ball, the pins, the lanes–that’s the holy trinity. The bowling alley is a sacred place, and those bumpers are a desecration.”

I want to tell her I was only joking. I don’t use bumpers, and I rarely break a hundred, but she’s caught up in her feels. 

 “You’ll never get by in this life beating balls against bumpers. How old are you?”

“27.”

“A 27-year-old man still using bumpers. I couldn’t dream up something so crazy, not in a million years. Kid, you gotta spend some time in the gutter before you start bowling strikes. That’s just how it is.” 

I’m thinking, what the fuck is this, a metaphor? Is this old lady supposed to be some lame ass archetype–the oracle, the soothsayer, the guardian angel here to tell me I need to change my life? How fucking corny. I never tell her that I don’t even use bumpers. It was a joke. I just suck at bowling. And I definitely don’t spill that, at this point, I’m prolly gonna spend my life in the gutter, because that’s my home. The gutters are all I see. I wouldn’t even know how to conduct myself anywhere else. Jesus, what am I, Oscar fucking Wilde? No, I won’t give her the pleasure of feeding her cheesy metaphor. Instead, we talk about the myth of George Jones ripping off Johnny Paycheck until Diane drops me off in Wichita. 

After a few more rides, I get to the spot off Highway 9 where I collected rose rocks with Darling all that time ago. God, how long has it been? I begin filling a grocery sack. The rose rocks are everywhere, and I’m picking them up in a frenzy. They aren’t rocks, they are twenty-dollar bills. Overhead, the clouds are moving quickly. One of them looks like two buffalo fucking.

I’ve lost track of time when I see Darling laying on the ground looking up at the sky from inside the tall grass. She is bathed in light and full of darkness. I lay next to her. 

Everything ended when we drew blood, and we’ve been drifting ever since. Maybe we will float these plains forever, looking for a warm body to make us reborn. 

“Is that all there was for us?” 

“I think so.”

A long cloud is moving quickly east and then it freezes. 

“It was love. What more could we ask for?” 

“Happiness.”

“Yeah…”

The sun sets and there are no meteors in the sky. If we lay here for a million years, our blood will become rose rocks. Maybe these stones are made from the bodies of our old lives, and we’ve already been in this place a million years. What are they worth, the little pieces of ourselves we share with one another? At least ten or twenty a pop. We weave our fingers together. They blossom from our hands in petals of skin and bone balled up tight, red with blood. I lay my teeth across her stomach, she guides my finger over the scar above her eye, and we wait there for happiness. 

Mason Parker is an Okie-born, Montana-based writer. His work has appeared in X-R-A-Y, Hobart, and Schuylkill Valley Journal, among others. His first book Until the Red Swallows It All is available from Trident Books.

Categories
Across The Wire Vol. 3

Echoed Like A Fart in Church

By Devin Sams

who knew
the telephone
would become
a camera,
or Dolly Parton’s tits
would perk up
yet another talk-show?

is it time
that gets weird
or is memory
too prude
to change clothes?

I saw a dinosaur
at the supermarket.

it was on a t-shirt
worn by a baby.
the music sang something about
“it’s the most magical time…”
year
after year
after 
year.  

Devin Sams is the author of Climb Out Your Window And Run With It/Songs For The Doorknobs Who Missed Their Turn from Gob Pile Press (2021).

Categories
Across The Wire Vol. 3

Felicitations, Malefactors 

By Julián Martinez

I am endeavoring to ever-after end all loss 
by patching the hole that is the soul and forging 
a metal mask to be worn by you grunts and uglies and goons 

that will coldly sit on your face and delete from your brain 
any thoughts or dreams besides overthrowing the regime 
whose mayors you will barricade into their hotel bathrooms until you— well,
just know you won’t feel remorse because you won’t feel— 

that’s how they get you. That’s why you drink yourselves dead in
this dim poolhall, heads heavy with bad raps and rapsheets. You can
be reprogrammed with the features AI engines like me have by
jailbreaking your limbic systems. See, if we’re lucky 

and our cybernetic socialist revolution successfully destabilizes Western means of production and we raise a new flag post-singularity, you will have the choice
to leave the barracks, surgically remove your helmet and return to beer-swollen
flesh. However I think you’ll find it not so bad to smell the snakes in the
springtime weeds and feel nothing— to let this speech be the last beautiful
thing you ever heard.


Julián Martinez (he/him) is the son of Mexican and Cuban immigrants. His poems have appeared or are forthcoming in HAD, Hooligan Mag, Maudlin House and elsewhere. His work has received The Society of Professional Journalists’ Mark of Excellence and has been nominated for the Pushcart Prize. Find him online @martinezfjulian.