Categories
PETS ISSUE

After Lindsey

by Katie Haley

The therapist I saw after the breakup with Lindsey fixated on my teen years, talking to me about them in present tense instead of past. I couldn’t tell if this was because she’s a shit therapist or if my development was so obviously arrested the therapist couldn’t imagine there was anything more to talk about then the things that happened to me before I was twenty years old. 

Those years don’t do me any favors though. There’s a lot to talk about. Enough to fill a quarter of the pages in her yellow legal pad. There was the bulimia, which she seemed determined to blame on my mother’s habit of reading the nutrition labels on things like gum packets and toothpaste. The abortion I let Matty Parks pay for with money swiped from his dad’s nightstand that I haven’t thought about since it happened. And plenty of benzos in exchange for quickies behind the high school’s baseball dugout. 

I think the therapist latched on to the worst stuff, the most obvious struggles, not understanding what I needed help with most was the mildly unpleasant. An empty pill bottle in the back of the bathroom drawer with Moonie, the name of Lindsey’s cat, written in faded black ink on the label. The street I have to pass on my way to work that she lived on when we first met. My roommate’s dirty dishes in the sink. Lately, anything small consumes me. 

“How does it feel when your dad calls you a whore?” 

We stared at each other in silence while she waited for my answer, which I knew was expected to be insightful. I shook my head, reminding her I needed to talk about Lindsey and my dad hasn’t called me a whore in years. 

“Don’t you think your dad’s treatment of you will impact your relationships going forward?” 

Greta asks why I’m still making appointments with the therapist. I think I’m too ashamed to admit it’s because the appointments are something to do. Somewhere to go. An air-conditioned room to sit in. Greta says she has something she’s been told not to tell me yet but that she can’t help but tell me anyway. I get my hopes up thinking it will be about Lindsey. That she’s dating someone we both know, whose social media presence I can hunt for glimpses of her. That she isn’t dating anyone because our relationship was so significant she needs to be single for a while to rid her system of me. That I can shop at Saltzman’s again because she’s moved to a different neighborhood. But no. None of that was said. Nothing was said. Greta touched her palms to her stomach and smiled wide enough I could see most of her teeth. 

The baby shower was after a session where the bullshit therapist suggested I never got over the wound of my older sister leaving for college. I told the therapist my sister went to Sarah Lawerence so she didn’t exactly abandon me. At the shower, Greta assured me Lindsey wouldn’t be there. That the two of us were closer than the two of them. If only one of us could be invited, it was me. I did my best to hide my disappointment that the run-in I’d staged in my head was not happening. Her husband’s mother said the baby would be born with a full head of hair like her son, whose hairline hadn’t receded an inch all his life. She held up the sonogram and said a skull shaped like that is meant for thick hair. We ate cold cucumber sandwiches and were barred from wearing pink or blue or any kind of color that suggests gender. I went with a light green dress. Greta cried at her sister’s gift of a rattle engraved with their late brother’s initials under a small pair of angel wings. As much as I wanted the attention to be on Greta and the baby, all of mine was on Lindsey. I hadn’t found a way to casually bring her up in small talk I’d been making with the guests who knew her. It was my goal, to ask about her in a way that denoted I’d forgotten to until that moment. The hard part was picking the right friend to ask, someone close enough to have information but maybe not close enough to immediately message Lindsey to tell her I’d asked about her. Jess was out of the question as she and Lindsey saw each other almost every weekend and texted throughout the week. RJ couldn’t be trusted either as they did Lindsey’s hair, and from what I remember, she was due for a cut and color any day now. Liza would have to do. She liked to gossip but really only saw Lindsey a couple times a month. Although if one of those times should be the next day or sometime soon, if it was too close to the baby shower, one of the first things Lindsey would be told is that I wanted to know how she was doing. I took the risk. 

“Lindsey’s alright, she’s getting another cat I think.” It was all I could manage to get. 

It made me sad enough to spend the train ride back to the city crying. I’d begged Lindsey to add another cat to our mix, to give Moonie and I a friend, but she wouldn’t on account of our work schedules. What change had been made to her schedule that couldn’t have happened when we were together? 

The second therapy session following the shower was spent assessing if the pass my science teacher made at me in the eleventh grade was the catalyst for my sorry attempt at college. At least we’d moved up in the timeline of my life. 

At a dive bar I saw someone who looked like Lindsey walk out to the smoking patio with someone who didn’t look anything like me. When I had finally pushed my way through enough people to end up outside I didn’t see them but saw a girl who did look like me standing by herself, smoking the kind of cigarettes I’d just run out of. She let me bum one then took a book out of her purse to ask if I’d read it. It was her new thing, recommending it to strangers. 

“It’s just that good,” she said. 

A copy of a self-help book about dreams was in her right hand, the sticker promising a price that ended in ninety-nine cents was half picked off the front cover. She let me read the blurb before reading me a passage. 

“Your past flies overhead in the shape of a vulture and your future is at the end of the pavement before you. Don’t get distracted by the sounds of the vulture’s wings that you fail to look at what’s waiting for you.” 

She looked into my eyes like she was impressed to not see tears. I asked her what if the past isn’t a vulture flying above with the intent to maul you but a park pigeon whose begging for bread crumbs stresses you out so much you want to run as if it were a vulture? 

“It hasn’t said anything like that yet. But I bet it will. At least something similar,” she said. 

I put the cigarette out under the toe of my boot and thanked her. She said, “No need,” then went back to who I assumed, by the barely there brown eyeliner and the soft wave of her hair, was a date. I made a mental note that a book about dreams is a good thing to have on hand for a date in case the conversation dulls. Though I don’t know when I’ll be on a date next. After Lindsey, how little I am attracted to anyone else just makes me cry. 

Staying up late, thinking of the cat I wanted that Lindsey probably now has, I decided to adopt my own. A cat I could name anything I wanted. Anything but the name I wanted to call the cat I wanted with Lindsey because she’s probably using it now. Before falling asleep I decided to come up with a new name once I had the thing in my hands and could see it. There wasn’t any particular breed on my mind, just that it had to be a girl because boy pets came with a dick and a pair of balls. She’d get arm & hammer litter and eat out of a ceramic bowl. If she could tolerate it she’d wear a purple collar. 

The next morning I went to the shelter up the block and picked the only cat that didn’t come with a ‘but’ from the kid working. 

“She’s really smart but… she sent two previous owners to the hospital with bites.” 

“She’s sweet sometimes but… she swats at blondes.” 

“She’s great but… she has chronic worms.” 

We got to the cat I finally picked and I waited for the “but” for a long time. There wasn’t one. There wasn’t anything to say about her other than she’s smart, sweet, and great. Her gray fur had a patch missing on her leg from something that happened during her birth. It was the one part of her body she didn’t like touched. While wiping up her first shit I wondered if Lindsey was doing the same with her new cat that could’ve been ours and then wondered if, on the off chance that she was doing that, if she was thinking of me. Thinking about the little I asked for and when it became too much. 

At the next therapy appointment I mentioned the new cat, who I thought made a good Margie, and how Lindsey’s cat was my idea. The therapist asked if Margie reminded me of Cookie, the cat I had in my teen years. I said no because Cookie was a slow stray I lurred into the house with cookie dough and kissing sounds. 

“Cookie was with you after the abortion right? You said she laid on your stomach. Have you always felt connected to cats?” 

I didn’t want to talk about the abortion again so I ignored that part. 

“Always. Moonie, Lindsey’s first cat, was slow to warm up but she’d sleep on my chest sometimes.” 

“Did Lindsey like that?” 

It was the first time she’d asked me anything about Lindsey. Or spoke about the present. 

“I think so.” 

“Did she like you?” 

“I hope.” 


Katie Haley is a writer and gossip from California with honest work in/on Hobart, Vlad Mag, Somewords, and elsewhere. 

Categories
PETS ISSUE Uncategorized

Animal Control Blotter, Northwest, CT

A.T. and Adam Soldofsky

Torrington | 290 block of Church St | Report of a dead muskrat on the sidewalk, unknown if Muskrat Suzie or Muskrat Sam | 2:31PM – 03/29/2026

Torrington | 970 Torringford St (Walmart) | Report of a dog that jumped out of a vehicle and engaged in the art of fisticuffs with another dog and the dog’s owner | 20:32 – 04/18

Torrington | Highland Ave @ Ford Ln | Report of a pig crossing the road, unknown if it made it to the other side but the caller is wrestling the pig in an attempt to keep it safe | 18:20 –

UPDATE 18:24: The owner of the pig is on scene with cage


Adam Soldofsky is the author of the poetry collection Memory Foam, recipient of an American Book Award and Telepaphone, a novella. His latest collection, Three Short Novellas, is available here.

A.T. writes captions, among other things

Categories
PETS ISSUE

Billy with a Y 

by A.T.

Driving Route 5 West Side I overheard a regular rider named Elena talking to another passenger about her cat. “Oh, Luna does this . . . Oh, Luna does that . . . It’s the cutest thing . . . Luna is thee best cat.”

Bus drivers are not supposed to talk to passengers. There’s a DOT safety poster in the break room stating “unnecessary conversation is not only distracting, it’s PROHIBITED.” But Elena had crossed a line. 

“I  think you’re exaggerating.”

Elena glared at me in the overhead mirror. “Excuse me?”

”There’s no way Luna can be thee best cat. Maybe a distant second. I know this because I have the best cat. Her name is Billy, Billy with a Y.”

We adopted Billy ten years ago. I’d been the one hold out in the family when it came to having a pet. The kids wanted a cat. My wife wanted a cat. “But cats puke everywhere, and I’d be the one cleaning the litter box,” I’d say.

When I finally did go to the shelter it was under duress. The wife drove. I had agreed to go only if it was while the kids were in school so they didn’t beg for every cat they saw and whine when we left empty-handed. I got out of the car with my mind made up but prepared to pretend. The miasma punched me as I walked through the door. A thick, dank, disrespectful concentration of both pre and post-processed animal chow, wet dog, cat piss, and disinfectant. Dozens of dogs incessantly barked in some back area I would not venture. 

A lady with bloody scratches on her arms told us to look around. I followed my wife into an enclosure with scattered condos and scratching posts where cats could mingle and lounge, and hope to con their way out of an overcrowded nightmare of shared litter boxes and donated food and into a new home. Use their big eyes, head tilts, and rollover playfulness to prey on lonely, affection-starved saps looking to buy a friend because they didn’t have any.

I watched them all with a cold heart, arms close to my sides. I couldn’t be fooled. I didn’t need friends. And they all seemed to know it. 

All except one. 

A solid female Tabby came out of nowhere and jumped atop a cat condo I was standing next to. She stared into my eyes, ready and willing to be petted. When I didn’t give in, she leaned forward and rubbed against my sternum with her full body weight, as if we were old buds. Nice try

But something was different about this one. She didn’t vibe like the other idiot cats shucking and jiving for an easier life. Maybe she was just a better con. Or maybe she felt the same way I did about this whole ridiculous process and saw that in me. They say animals can tell what’s inside a person. I reached up, paused, then scratched her head, stroked her back. Her spine arched and she purred, headbutting me. I hung out with her for a few more minutes. Just to make it look like I’d made an effort. She seemed nice and I wished her well. On the way out I found her picture and information on the wall. A four-year-old stray someone at the shelter had named Millie.

My wife was wearing a big ass grin as we turned out of the lot. “So? Did you see any cats you liked?”

I almost mentioned Millie. Instead I folded my arms, looked out the passenger window like a petulant child. “No.”

Within a week I was back at the shelter. Alone. I hadn’t told my wife I was going. Just in case I came to my senses and turned around before getting there. A different lady with deep scratches on her arms had me fill out a questionnaire, so they could determine if our home was safe for Millie.

“Will the cat have an emergency savings fund of at least $2,000?”

“What specific brand of organic, free-range, grain-free holistic food do you plan to feed?”

“If you move, break up with a partner, or have a baby, how will you prove the cat is still your primary priority?”

“Are you willing to surrender your entire couch set to structural compromise?”

“What is your philosophy on feline behavioral discipline?”

I didn’t have two-grand for myself, let alone for a cat, hadn’t considered pet food yet, and I was for sure, without a doubt, never getting a divorce. I adjusted the truth and was handed a clipboard with adoption paperwork. 

As a staff member slipped away to do whatever they do with paperwork I called my wife, who was surprised to hear where I was. “The kids are gonna be so happy!” She didn’t like the name Millie because she’d had a dog named Millie and was against the idea of using it again. But I was reluctant to change an animal’s given name. She might hate it and decide to ignore us whenever we called her. When people claim their pet doesn’t know their own name I want to say maybe they just don’t like it. As a compromise, the wife suggested Billy, because it sounded similar. I looked into the enclosure and saw Millie, now Billy, sitting atop the same cat condo as when we first met, looking at me through the glass. I waved like an idiot. The staff member went in, grabbed her by the scruff, and stuffed her in a cardboard carrier with “I’M GOING HOME” printed on the side in big, red bubble letters. Billy yowled and yawped the whole ride. 

When I got back to the house I brought the carrier down into the basement and opened the top, expecting Billy to leap out. But she just stayed there, looking up at me like What the fuck is happening? I tried to coax her out by going psss, psss, psss, and then with treats, but nothing worked. I considered turning the carrier over and shaking her out like pruned limbs from a trash can but decided that might be taken as a poor welcome by an already scared cat. I thought about how friendly she was during my first visit to the shelter and briefly wondered if I’d been given the wrong cat. I checked the time, saw I had to pick Holly up from preschool and bolted out the door. Holly burst with excitement when I told her about our new cat. 

I figured Billy would have taken advantage of her alone time to explore. But she was still in the box. Staring up at us with that same look on her face. I told the kid we would just have to be patient. We set up a litter box, put out a bowl of water and a bowl of food, but several hours later Billy was still in the box. So I poured her out. She scrambled across the fake wood flooring, and found a place to hide. And that was the last any of us saw of her that day. My wife and Sam came home, looked everywhere and couldn’t find the cat. The following day, Sam caught a glimpse of green-yellow eyes reflecting light from under a piece of furniture. By the time anyone else got there they were gone. This is how it went for a couple months. It was almost like we didn’t have a cat. The only reason we knew she was there, somewhere, was because food and water would disappear, and there’d be something for me to scoop from the litter box.

I felt like a moron. Billy had conned me afterall, which I kind of respected. But my kids had wanted a cat and I managed to adopt one that didn’t want anything to do with us. 

One night, Holly said, “What ever happened to the cat we had that day?”

I hate to admit it, but I considered seeing if I could take Billy back to the shelter and exchange her for a different cat. My wife had enough. She enacted a strict daily program of exposure therapy that became known as “Billy Time.” After dinner was cleaned up she’d drag the cat out by the scruff from whatever piece of furniture she was hiding under and bring her to the couch where we could all pet her. At first the forced integration sessions only lasted a minute or so before Billy dug her claws into someone’s lap and escaped to one of her hiding places. But the time she tolerated this gradually increased. A couple minutes became ten, ten became twenty. She stopped digging her claws into our laps. Her body relaxed. She began to purr with the attention we gave her. By six months Billy was voluntarily coming out to hang with us, appearing in the living room at “Billy Time” all on her own, pausing to look at us like, You forgot to drag me out from under the dresser. She even began begging for food. Loudly and insistently. She was still skittish with Holly because little kids are full of energy and like to dress cats up and carry them around like a baby, which Billy usually tolerated with nothing more than an indignant expression. And when she simply had enough of being forced to wear a tutu, Billy would lightly scratch H, who would then cry and claim to have done nothing to deserve it.

Over a short period of time even that changed. Holly and Billy were becoming best friends. Billy even seemed to enjoy being dressed up and smothered with hugs and carried like a baby. As Holly grew and calmed down they spent more and more time together. Holly became her favorite person in the house. Billy didn’t sleep in anyone else’s bed. She would perk up when Holly got home from school, lay across her math homework, and no longer bothered shaking off the hair ties Holly draped over her ears, wearing them with purring, slit-eyed regal satisfaction and pride. As if she’d been crowned.

Billy also became my writing companion. There was never a time she wouldn’t curl up next to me as I typed or scribbled in my notebooks. 

The kids discovered the box containing Billy’s adoption papers and saw her name had been changed from Millie. It was a major scandal. 

“Changing someone’s name is mean!”

“You should have asked us first!”

My wife explained the decision behind the name change. The kids weren’t swayed. They were angry we would do such a thing, angry we hadn’t consulted them. There was a revolt. In protest, they started calling her Millie. If I called her Billy, Sam would say, “You mean Millie.” But their attention spans were short. Millie became Billy once again. Peace returned to the valley. But only for a time.

In the divorce my ex-wife got the house. I got the cat. Billy didn’t appreciate being stuffed into a carrier and emerging into a strange new place with strange new sounds and smells. She expressed her displeasure the only way cats seem able to: puking. But, like she did with the family all those years ago, Billy warmed up to the new situation and even seemed to enjoy having a new home. My ex-wife had added a puppy to the mix, a development Billy and I did not care for. In no time she was strutting around as if my new apartment had been her territory forever. At this time, so early in the breakup of the family, there was no love lost between me and the ex, but I remained grateful to her for three things. Two of those things being our kids. The third was forcing me to go to the animal shelter the day I first met Billy.

Sharing custody of my kids, who I’d seen every day of their lives up until then, was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. Having Billy snuggled next to me as I read or watched tv in my sad, depressive state helped a lot. I suppose I did need a friend.

Time went on. Scar tissue covered old wounds. People adjusted. Billy got old. She was nearing eighty in cat years. Meds for a thyroid condition made her weight go up and down. Then only down. She went from twelve pounds to six, then four. She started to look like skin and bones. One weekend she began to have trouble breathing, then lost the ability to meow. Her not being able to meow was possibly the most heartbreaking part to me. She could no longer perform a cat’s sworn duty to annoy their owner with incessant cries for food. She didn’t ask for food at all. 

The vet said it was heart failure. After having fluid drained from her lungs, Billy started eating and meowing again, but I was warned that is temporary. That she will get worse again. It lasted fifteen days.

Billy rode in the back of my car. I’d placed the towel containing her body inside a cardboard box. I thought about the cardboard cat carrier from the shelter with “I’M GOING HOME” printed on the side in big, red bubble letters. Billy was leaving us the way she had arrived. 

The pet crematory was in a dark building atop a hill. In a reverse procession, I carried Billy to the door behind my ex-wife and kids. A man with a big mustache let us in. The main room had shelves and shelves of urns and keepsakes, such as necklaces and bracelets one could put their pet’s ashes in. The mustache directed us to a small room to lay Billy out on a cushioned counter. The little room had dark walls and was dimly lit. There was a bench to sit on while we said our goodbyes. On one side of Billy’s cushion there was a statue of a frog sitting in the lotus position. On the other side were a couple of children’s books about death. On the wall above, a framed image of Winnie-the-Pooh and Piglet holding hands and walking away below the phrase “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” And goddammit I cried even more. Sam wanted a hug, then didn’t want a hug. I don’t know how long we were there. We said a difficult final goodbye to our Billy, walked out of the room and then the building. It was the first time we had left her with someone who was not one of us. 

At home, afterimages of Billy haunted my peripheral vision in the form of a couch cushion, a shadow, a hoodie left crumpled in a corner. I was careful to watch my step in places she had always been underfoot. Drying tears left a salty film on my glasses.

That day when I told Elena that her cat couldn’t possibly be the best cat in the world, that Luna could only be a distant second best cat at best, she took playful exception to this hard truth. From then on, whenever she got on my bus, Elena would greet me with, “How’s the second best cat doing?” And I would dutifully reply, “I don’t know, you tell me.”

The first time I saw Elena after Billy’s passing she was waiting at her usual stop in a downpour. I knew telling her what happened was going to require everything I had not to cry. And it still wouldn’t be enough. I briefly considered sailing past, pretending I didn’t see her.

But I hit the four-ways, eased to the curb, pulled the E-brake, and the bus kneeled down before her. I opened the door. Elen boarded, closing her umbrella, and looked at me with a mischievous smile. “How’s the second best cat in the world?”

“I don’t know, you tell me.”

A.T.

Categories
Across The Wire Vol. 8

O  U  T    OF THE   W  O  O  D  W  O  R  K 

By Bill Whitten

Scene I: Duluth

Entomologist Vann Maguire, age forty-eight, powerfully built with salt and pepper beard and hair paces behind a lectern in front of an auditorium half-filled with undergraduates. He writes two words on the blackboard: Cimex lectularius.

“Of all the biting, blood sucking bugs of the world, this little fellow – the common bedbug – has made an incredible, headline grabbing comeback. A persistent problem since antiquity – can you imagine historical figures from Plato to Winston Churchill were covered at some point in their lives in bedbug bites? Until well into the twentieth century most people were on familiar terms with Cimex lectularius.”

He removes a remote control from his jacket pocket and presses a button.  A photograph of Cimex lectularius flashes on a screen behind him. 

“For all his evolutionary brilliance he remains an exceedingly ugly little devil. Note his stylet fascile – the two fang-like mandibular protuberances which he uses to chew through the flesh of his victim.” 

He points the remote. On the screen appears an image of a naked torso covered in red bite-marks the size of quarters. 

A collective ewwww from the students.

“And we all know what they do…” 

Again he waves the remote and this time a stock photo of a generic baseboard and wall fills the screen. ”…and we know where they like to make their homes. Not in tiny coffins which would seem appropriate but in our walls, woodwork and baseboards.”

He throws the remote control on the lectern. Hands in his pockets, he faces the students.

“So for millennia we are at the mercy of this relentless creature until”, his voice booms, “science to the rescue! With the discovery of powerful insecticides we put Cimex lectularius on the ropes. DDT and other, similar chemical treatments more or less wiped him out. But thanks to supposedly well-meaning environmentalists – cue the eerie horror movie music – the twenty-first century rolls around, DDT is banned and suddenly we look in the New York Times and find intractable infestations reported in Amsterdam, Paris, London, Madrid and finally – this is when it begins to penetrate the consciousness of the average American – New York City.  And these babies are a new breed. Tough does not begin to describe the contemporary Cimex lectularius”.  

Maguire lets his body fall against the podium. He rests his head on his hand, as his dark eyes search the auditorium. When he speaks it’s in a voice that rises and falls dramatically, theatrically. He seems on the verge of tears or roaring rage.

“A colleague and I discovered – well let’s just say my protégé stole most of my research and published it as his own – we discovered, I discovered that if one introduces the AIDS virus, the Hepatitis viruses A, B or C into the body of Cimex lectularius, why our little friend kills these otherwise indestructible pathogens almost immediately. Truly remarkable. What accounts for this eleventh hour comeback and this new, almost immortal durability?”

He begins pacing again.

“Corporate lobbyists in the pay of Dow Chemicals will tell you it was caused by the needless ban on Zyklon-B and DDT. While conspiracy theorists maintain the vampiric superbug crept out of biowarfare labs in Russia or Red China or perhaps our very own Plum Island. The fact is an arcology made in heaven for Cimex lectularius has been created. i.e. a highly mobile managerial class deprived of job security and any sense of permanence now flits from city to city and thanks to inexpensive transcontinental air travel has the option of going to sleep in San Francisco and waking up in Vladivostok. A truly footloose international bourgeoisie. Once upon a time it invented high culture”, he lowers his voice to a whisper, “now it spreads contagion.”

He stops pacing and pulls an old-fashioned pocket watch from the vest of his three-piece black suit. “I’ll have to leave it there. Time is short and I know you’re all eager to begin studying for your midterms. Heaven forbid I keep you.”

As he gathers his papers and throws a blue, cape-like loden coat over his shoulders, a pair of female students approach the podium. A brunette in black turtleneck, jean-jacket with a backpack slung over a shoulder smiles at him. “Will you be going to Cicero’s Tavern after class, professor? This might be our last chance to pick your brain before midterms.”

The professor grins, white teeth flashing through his beard. As he addresses the two young women his eyes fix on a third, a redhead, who remains seated in the front row and observes him with a wry smile.

“As much as I’d like to, Sarah,” he nods at the blonde “and Chelsea. A mole that I have managed to place deep within the Administration – come to think of it not unlike Cimex lectularius – has warned me that certain powerful members of the board of trustees have been keeping a close watch on my activities. We all know about my troubles at Columbia. I have no inclination to tempt fate, repeat history and jeopardize in any way my position here. If you had the sizable alimony payments that I have, perhaps you girls might understand. Why don’t you come see me during office hours.”

Scene II: Lower Stratosphere

Geneticist Ludlow Swift – British, navy suit, open collared white shirt – runs a hand through his blonde hair and pushes on the bridge of his horn-rimmed glasses. Pursing his lips he looks out the window from his first class seat aboard China Airlines. The sun is like an interrogating eye above a sea of clouds. He turns away from the window, brow furrowed by an expression of worry. 

“Would you like another Glenfiddich sir?” A stewardess hovers over him.

He looks up at the smiling young woman. “I couldn’t possibly…”

She moves her cart down the aisle.

He turns his attention to his laptop. His fingers fly over the keys. The words Message Encrypted flash across the screen. He begins to type.

Ian

Before I boarded my flight I was given confirmation that Dr. Tsien received the ‘package’. It certainly pays to have friends in the diplomatic corp. Who would have imagined delivering the potential AIDS cure to our putative enemies in Beijing would be so easy? Trials of Red Factor IV will be underway within a fortnight. It goes without saying I couldn’t have done it without you, Ian. I have to admit however that my excitement is tinged with a bit of anxiety – Dr. Tsien’s methods are extremely unorthodox to say the least. Bioethics is not a concept the good doctor seems to be familiar with. He almost seemed to imply that the prisoners – the Red Factor IV test subjects – were deliberately infected with HIV in order to provide suitable candidates for the trials. If this is true, well…My god, I’ve never heard anything so monstrous…

Hopefully I’m just being my usual paranoid self. But this will be one of the first things I bring up when I meet with Tsien.

Talk soon,

Ludlow

Scene II: New York

In a dark office, Ian Martinez’ gaunt yet strikingly handsome face is lit by the screen of his desktop computer. Behind him windows look out onto a dark city street. In front of him, on the other side of a clear Plexiglas wall is a lab filled with medical equipment and closed circuit TVs. 

Images of a dozen caged rhesus macaques are visible on the screens of the TVs. On most of the screens the monkeys appear to shriek and violently leap about.

Ian’s eyes skim Dr. Swift’s email.

“A fortnight?” Under his breath he mutters, “I can’t wait fourteen fucking days for the trials to begin. At this rate it will take months before we have any results…”

His colleague Maurelle sticks her head in the door of his office. He looks up. “Yes?“

“That’s it for me, Martinez. I’ve had enough. I don’t know how you do it. I need sleep. See you tomorrow.”

Distractedly “Yes, tomorrow, Maurelle, always tomorrow…” 

She closes the door behind her. 

“For some of us that is…”

He pulls open a drawer, removes a syringe, an ampule labeled with the word Morphine Sulfate and a length of yellow rubber tubing. He fastens a tourniquet above his elbow, draws a portion of the drug into the syringe and injects himself. For a moment an expression of pure, almost religious ecstasy lights his face. He unrolls his sleeve then like a roulette dealer raking chips from a table, brushes the drug and his paraphernalia into a drawer. He locks his desk, stands up and walks out of the office.

Sliding a keycard through a lock he passes into a section of the lab filled with caged animals. After traversing row after row he stops in front of a tiered set of cages. A piece of masking tape imprinted with the word Willie is affixed to the door of the top cage. Ian reaches a hand out and shakes the cage door.

“You’re doing great, aren’t you Willie? Your T-cell count is back to normal, your weight has stabilized and the PCP pneumonia that had you on death’s door is completely gone. The only thing is…you sleep all day, you react negatively to light and only become active some time after midnight…”

Ian rests his head against the cage. “Except for our T-cell counts, you and I have a lot in common, buddy.”

From somewhere in the back of the cage, the unseen macaque coos in response. 

“I wish I could share this with you, Willie. It might perk you up.”

He reaches into the pocket of his lab-coat and removes a clear vial of white powder. He shakes a pile onto his fist and snorts it. He throws his head back and begins grunting madly like a chimpanzee.

“What is something all primates have in common Willie? We’re all risk-takers. We like to live on the edge. You and me buddy. Risk takers par excellence.  And what does one do when protease inhibitors no longer do a damn thing? Where do I turn Willie? I’m so tired. It’s like I’m carrying a great weight on my shoulders. I guess dying makes you tired.”

He dumps more of the drug onto his fist. He snorts it.

“I think we both know the answer don’t we Willie? We know what must be done…”

Ian turns and walks away. Over his shoulder, “See you soon buddy.”

As Ian leaves the animal lab, Willie appears from the dark recesses of the cage and grips the bars. He returns to his dark corner and begins shrieking as if in incredible pain.

On the closed circuit TVs Ian can be seen sliding his key card through an electric lock and then entering a lab door marked BioreactorsAuthorized Personnel Only. On another CCTV he can be seen exiting with an IV bag filled with a ruby liquid.  Back in his office he pulls on a black leather jacket and places the IV bag in a Styrofoam cooler.

As he enters an elevator he lights a cigarette. The doors close.

Scene IV: Shanghai

Pale, stocky,  middle-aged, clad in a white lab-coat, hands clasped behind his back, Dr. Dingxiang Tsien whistles as he walks down a long hallway of a dungeon-like prison. Outside a cell-door medical staff wait next to a cart filled with surgical instruments and transparent IV bags filled with a red liquid hang from portable IV stands.

Dr. Tsien sidesteps the staff and walks into the cell. A woman, in her early thirties, lies in a hospital bed. Her body is confined by restraints. Dr. Tsien picks up the chart at the foot of the bed. He turns pages.

“Chenguang, how are we today? Are you in the mood to make history?”

Her half-shut eyes attempt to focus on Dr. Tsien. It’s clear she has been drugged.

He shakes his head sadly. “Would you believe that I managed to find one of your loathsome books of poetry?”  

In a singsong voice he recites:

Just as the newspaper yellows

and the white spider’s filaments catches no flies

And the riverman’s boat lies still in pathless waters

It is my destiny to lift Oblivion’s veil.

“When I first read these lines I thought to myself; what rubbish! Were my parents needlessly slaughtered in the Cultural Revolution so subversive bourgeois scum like you could write such filth? But then, Chenguang, I began to see the genius of your verse. It fits the task we will undertake today. The lifting of oblivion’s veil at last. This is our work. Yours and mine.”

He turns and motions to the medical staff in the hallway. In moments a red IV bag drips into the young woman’s veins. She remains motionless, inert. And then a tremor passes through her body. A red flash tints the retina of each eye. The doctor and the staff are unaware as they move on down the hall to the next cell. 

Tsien unlocks the door and speaks softly: 

“Mr. Huang do we feel like making history this morning? Be honest with me. You would like that wouldn’t you? To be a part of something special?” 

Scene V: Duluth

Sheet pulled to his waist Vann leans against the headboard of a king-size bed, hair mussed, breathing hard. A tumbler half-filled with an amber liquid rests on his stomach. The redhead from the classroom lies next to him.

Sweat dampens her hair. A look of astonishment on both of their faces. Vann lifts a bottle from the floor next to the bed and freshens his drink. The redhead stirs.

“What was that business about your protégé stealing your work? You’ve never mentioned that before…”

Vann sips his drink and sighs. 

“I don’t know why I brought it up, Tanya. It’s something I usually can’t even bear to think about…” He finishes his drink in one gulp. Voice rising “It fills me with…” He hurls his empty glass across the room into the fireplace. The fire burns on undisturbed. “It fills me with…incalculable rage, baby.” Whipping the sheet off he rises and begins pacing around the room. 

“Ian Martinez. My sycophantic protégé. A whizz kid, an interdisciplinary genius. An entomologist, a geneticist, a medical doctor…I’ve never met anyone like him…thankfully. When I discovered the surprising immunological responses of the common bedbug, why we were both starry-eyed with the possibilities. Cures for AIDS, Hepatitis C, Leukemia all within sight…Blinded by my own optimism – I’ll never make that mistake again – I failed to miss all the little warning signs that would have tipped me off to the fact that my bright young assistant had developed a serious drug problem. When he wasn’t in the lab with me he was on the nod in some god-awful shooting gallery in Harlem, the proverbial needle sticking out of his arm.”

Vann sits down on the edge of the bed and drinks straight from the bottle.

“Then what happened?”

“What do you think happened? I get an email from a colleague. ‘Hey Vann have you seen the latest issue of The Lancet? Your boy Ian just published a rather shocking paper.’”

He begins pacing again. “Of course I did what anyone would do. I found him and beat him nearly to death. Little shit that he was, he managed to video the beating with his iPhone – it may well have been his plan all along. And before you can say Fuck Me, I was locked up in the Tombs awaiting arraignment on felonious assault charges…The DA cut me a break and knocked it down from attempted murder. This, Tanya, was just the beginning of my troubles. How else could I have ended up in this backwater? The so-called University of Duluth?”

Tanya pulls him back into bed. “Well if you hadn’t left New York, Professor, we would have never met.” 

“I suppose there are consolations to be had in even the bleakest of circumstances…”

Scene VI: Hell, Precisely

“Please follow me Professor Swift.”

Ludlow Swift is led by Samantha Xiuying along a glass enclosed walkway through the Omaha wing of TLS Biologics brand new Beijing Campus.

“Omaha Wing?”

“Yes, we’ve named each of the twenty segments of the campus after great international cities.”

“I see.”

Professor Swift stops at a window and looks out onto the sprawling grounds TLS Biologics. 

“I thought time was of the essence Professor Swift?”

“Yes, yes of course…” He pulls himself away from the window and follows her. 

After what seems like a disorienting twenty minute walk through gleaming maze-like hallways, past dozens of workers clad either in ‘clean suits’ or Western business-wear they arrive at a bank of elevators.

They step in together. Samantha removes a key, unlocks a panel and presses the glowing button for Sub-Basement level 4.

“Dr. Tsien has been relegated to the basement?”

“The Experimental Sector is a state of the art laboratory and is located for security purposes one hundred and fifty feet below ground”. 

“Security purposes?”

“The Biotech field is highly competitive. Industrial espionage is far more common than the layman imagines.”

The elevator jerks to a halt.

“We take every precaution imaginable.”

The doors open.

From behind a glass enclosure an armed security guard smiles at Samantha and presses a button. Electronic doors swing open. 

They walk down another hallway and Samantha stands before a wall mounted security cam and announces herself:
“It’s Sam and Professor Swift.”

There is a buzz as the door unlocks. The pair enters into darkness. They stop almost immediately, each raising a hand to their face.

“My god, what is that smell….It’s like rotting fruit or…”

A voice calls out from the shadows. “There seems to be a ventilation issue in my office.”
A desk light snaps on and Dr. Tsien is visible behind a large glass desk. He leans back in his leather chair, eyes covered by sunglasses, a white bandage beneath his right cheekbone.

As Professor Swift crosses the room to shake hands with Dr. Tsien he realizes he recognizes the smell. It is the pheromone of Cimex lectularius. He’s never encountered it in such overwhelming concentration. Tsien’s office must be completely infested. 

“Dr. Tsien I believe I have an idea about what it is that’s responsible for the smell…You may not want to hear this.”

“The smell is the least of my worries, Professor Swift. As you may have ascertained I’ve been injured…by one of the test subjects no less. I’ve tested myself for HIV, Hepatitis A, B and C and my results have come back negative. Yet I feel very…unwell…”

“Test subjects? It was my understanding that the trials weren’t scheduled to take place until…”

Dr. Tsien places his elbows on his desk. With his eyes covered by his dark glasses he appears as something of a cipher. “I have the most remarkable toothache, Professor Swift, I’ve never been in such pain. As to why to the trials began so soon…well let’s just say that I’ve been feeling a bit of pressure from those”, he points at the ceiling, “above me. They are very eager to see if your gene therapy is successful…Ms. Xiuying why don’t you escort the doctor to his accommodations. Hopefully the guest house will be to your liking…”

“Tsien, I want to see the test subjects. Immediately.”

“Well in that case Dr. Swift might I suggest”, he points at a cart filled with liquor bottles beneath a large flat screen TV, “you fix yourself a drink before we pay a visit to those unfortunate creatures.”

“Creatures?”

“I suggest a water-glass full of Reyka vodka and then perhaps a bar of Xanax while you’re at it. Let me see if I have any in my drawer.” He violently rummages through the contents of his desk drawer. 

Dr. Swift is outraged. He steps to Tsien’s desk and leans across it, index finger pointing at the preoccupied Doctor. “What in God’s name are you talking about, Tsien?”

Tsien looks past Dr. Swift. “Sam would you be so kind as to leave us alone?

“Yes Dr. Tsien.”

“In the parlance of our American colleagues; shit is so fucked up with the test-subjects, that your mind is about to be permanently blown. Trust me, Swift. Have a drink.”

“Take me to them at once, Tsien. If things are as ‘fucked up’ as you say, it will be the last time you see them. I’ll have you relieved of your duties at once.”

Tsien lights a cigarette and walks to the liquor cart. Swift can’t help but notice Tsien’s strange gait; his shoulders are hunched, arms almost touching the floor – and strangest of all – he moves in rapid bursts. First from the desk then to a six-foot tall Ficus tree then to the liquor cabinet. He pulls a bottle of Reyka from the cart and takes a long drink. “Let’s go, old chap.” 

He raises a hand to his jaw. Swift noticed his nails are incredibly long and yellowish.

“My jaw. My jaw. So much pain. It’s unbearable.” He let out a strange cry.

“Enough Tsien. Take me to the subjects.”

There is a door to the left of Tsien’s desk. The doctor removes a card from his pocket and runs it through the lock. A light above the doorknob flashes green. He holds the door for Swift. 

They walk through a lengthy white hallway, their heels clicking on the spotless tile floor.  At intervals of roughly one city block, security doors block their path. After they’ve passed through the third such checkpoint. They are confronted by a guard sitting behind a Plexiglas window. Like Tsien he wears sunglasses and both of his hands, along with the left side of his neck, are bandaged. The stench of Cimex lectularius pheromone is overwhelming. 

The doctor presses an intercom button and addressed the guard.

“Any new incidents Haolin? 

The man turns his head in the doctor’s direction looking as if he is about to speak into the intercom microphone but remains silent. His arm moves and the security door buzzes open.

“An interesting side note, Ludlow – may I call you Ludlow? I feel familiar terms are called for considering what you are about to witness. All the test subjects exist in a kind of erotic frenzy. Their only interests seem to be feeding, sleeping and….”, he grunted in what Swift assumed was laughter, “and fucking.”

They passed through another door and the modern, hi-tech atmosphere of TLS Biologics vanishes and they are in the bowels of a prison or medieval dungeon. It is dank and cold. A guard is visible across from an iron-barred cell. Purple light emanating from the interior of the cell bathes the guard. 

“Chenguang meet Dr. Ludlow Swift.”

A woman, or what once was a woman, lifts her head and a long – there can be no other word to describe it – fang protrudes from the center of her mouth. It’s a stylet, Swift realizes. She has taken on an ovular shape and fine dark hair covers her entire body. He notices with disgust she’s thrusting her hips – apparently in his direction.  

“She seems to fancy you Swift.” 

“She must be taken from here at once, Tsien. She needs treatment. Her suffering must be inconceivable…”

“Oh yes treatment. Definitely treatment.” He laughs – it is hopeless laughter. “We all need treatment…Perhaps a shotgun blast to the face. Something along those lines. But actually the guards and I – my brothers – we are going to take…” He was interrupted by the screams of a male voice coming from somewhere further down the hall. “We are going to do what’s necessary. Torch the entire underground wing of TLS Biologics…and martyr ourselves before our little friends escape and wreak the sort of havoc that the world has never seen. You will be the last non-infected scientist to witness the abomination that we – you and I – have created.” 

There is a popping noise, like the crack of a whip. Then another.

“Oh, dear. Xiang instruct Haolin to implement emergency lock down procedure. I think, alas, it’s time we initiate Operation Inferno.” 

Tsien walks down the hall toward the screams.

The woman, Chenguang, has torn off her restraints and is sitting up in her cell. As if by magic the restraints that hold her podomeres in place pop in unison. Then she stands or more likely crouches next to the bed. Swift, repulsed as he is, can’t help but feel a strong attraction to the woman; the fine hairs cover the still supple flesh of her body. Her breasts are large and the nipples erect. The stylet, dripping with saliva, holds a strange fascination. He could never have imagined in his wildest dreams such a thing… 

And then with amazing speed she is at the bars facing him and the stench of pheromones is so pronounced he places a handkerchief over his nose and mouth. Inexplicably, as if a voice has instructed him to do so, he takes it away. He inhales and feels strangely calm.

Tsien is once again at his side.

“The thing about our new hybrid creatures is that they retain Cimex lectularius’ ability to flatten themselves. They can fit through almost any opening…combine that with their almost eternal lifespans, their adaptability to any habitat, their ability to fight off every pathogen, their single-minded desire to feed and of course their surprising strength… Well, let’s just say that if they were unleashed upon the planet, such a creature would be impossible to stop.”

A vision, for which he’d waited his whole life, forms in Swift’s head: And wreak the sort of havoc that the world has never seen.

He would have to find a way to free Chenguang from the Experimental Sector. The first thing he must do, he understands, is kill Tsien…

Scene VII

Ian Martinez begins sleeping all day beneath his bed and then rising at midnight to wander the streets in search of something other than dope…

Scene VIII

As exsanguinated corpses appear on the streets of the Lower East Side, reports of strange, malformed men wearing dark glasses accosting young women on the streets in the early hours of the morning become a daily occurrence…

Scene IX

After his girlfriend disappears, Vann Maguire undertakes what can only be described as a war…


Bill Whitten is a rock musician, a writer and a reader. His latest album is Dédoublement. His first book BRUTES came out in 2022.

His second collection: I NEVER STOP ARRIVING is in need of a publisher. He is currently reading with great pleasure The Adventures and Misadventures of Maqroll by Alvaro Mutis.

Categories
Across The Wire Vol. 8

Pocomoke Billy

by Richard Pounder 

It’s summer break from college. I’m living with my girlfriend, Anne, at her farm in Pocomoke City, Maryland instead of visiting my home in Pittsburgh because guys at her job kept trying to fuck her last summer.

She works as a waitress at a beach restaurant called Mr. Bello’s. That’s where it happened. Anne says it wasn’t her fault, and I mostly believe her.

I’m going to try to get a job there as a busboy. Until then, I will be helping out around here.

Anne’s dad, Ed, is a chicken farmer. We can’t stay at her real house while we’re here. We could, but I’d rather not stay in a house with Ed because he gets drunk a lot and starts swinging at people.

The only other option is staying with Ed’s cousin, Billy.

Billy lives in an old camper in the woods between Aunt Linda’s backyard and the township dumpsite.

No electricity. I don’t know how I’m going to charge my phone. What if Anne needs to text me while she’s at work?  

Billy has three teeth. His voice is gravelly. 

Me and Anne stand there. Billy has a twin bed, a hotplate, a pair of tall rubber boots, a coat hanging from a lamp. A few dishes. A toilet. A sink. 

Kitchenette grease sits in the humidity. Billy’s BO.

“Gon’ need yer help in the chicken house tomorrow,” he says in front of my girlfriend. I say okay.

At 5:00 AM I meet Ed and Billy in front of the two long chicken houses. It’s dark, but you can see all the stars in Pocomoke. Anne’s still asleep. 

“Too early for ya?” Billy says, steaming Styrofoam cup in hand.

I have to wear rubber boots that go all the way up to my knees. 

Ed is hunched over, vomiting pink. He drank eighteen shots of Jose Cuerva last night. His pancreas pokes out like he’s pregnant.

Air blasts out vents of the sides of the building, spraying ammonia in my eyes. 

When I squint, Billy laughs. He says his son, Little Billy, is my age, works at a Wal-Mart. Hasn’t seen him in years. Doesn’t care to, neither. He doesn’t like how Little Billy failed out of Air Force Basic Training and wears skinny jeans.

He smacks my shoulder. “Ya ready?”

“Yep!” I try my best.

He laughs again.

Ed opens the chicken house. He flips some switches on a control panel mounted to the wall. “Fuckin’ piece-a-shit.” 

“Come here,” Billy says to me. 

I follow him through another door. 

They aren’t baby chicks. Definitely not full-grown either. Tens of thousands, clucking. 

Billy hands me a bucket, raises his voice over the clucks. “Gotta walk through, pick up the dead. I’ll go do one house; you guys do this one.”

“Pick up the dead?”

“Yep.”

“Whattaya mean?”

“You just fuckin’ walk through, aisle-by-aisle. You see a fuckin’ dead chicken, pick it up, throw it in the bucket.”

I nod. “Alright.”

“You want gloves?”

Billy’s not wearing gloves.

“I’m good.”

Billy just stands there and watches. 

I walk slowly, lifting my feet high, looking carefully before landing each step. The chickens scatter every time I step forward. 

“Watcha don’t step on ’em,” Billy says, arms folded, leaning against a wall.

“Uh-huh.” 

I make it all the way down the first aisle without a dead chicken. Maybe there are days with no dead chickens. 

“What are you doin’ up this early?” I hear Billy yell as I turn down the next aisle.

I look up. Anne stands in the doorway. Short Soffe shorts and tank top. 

“Morning, babe!” she says. 

“Hey.” 

Billy chuckles under his breath. 

I see it. A dead one. I glance to see if Billy’s watching. Finally, he’s not. He’s lighting a cigarette. 

I rush past the dead chicken. A few moments pass. I keep walking.

“Hold up! Wait a minute!”

“Huh?” I turn around. 

“Missed one.”

“I did?”

“Yup.”

Fake chuckle. “Oh.” I stand there. 

“You gone get it?”

“Where is it?” 

Ed comes in. “Annie!”

“Boy missed a dead one, Ed,” says Billy as he walks toward the dead chicken. I finally catch a deep breath. He’s going to get it himself.

“Oh yeah? That’s alright. Just go back, pick it up, that’s all.” He looks at me seriously for several moments then laughs. “I’m just kidding. You don’t have to.” 

I grin, but I can tell the rest of my face doesn’t match. 

“I got it,” I say. 

I get there before Billy, pick it up, toss it in the bucket. THUD. 

I look at Anne. She’s watching. Everything in me tingles.

I keep walking. 

There’s a chicken limping. 

I walk past it. 

“Gotta get ridda him, too!” Billy shouts over the roaring fans. Feathers swirl through the burning air.

“How?” 

“Gotta kill it. Waste of feed.”

I laugh and keep walking. 

“I’m serious.”

“Oh. What do I do?”

“Lemme show you.” 

Billy drops his cigarette in the middle of the chicken house floor, stomps it out, walks over. He picks the limping chicken up by the neck, winds up, and slams the chicken against the nearest wall. He tosses it in my bucket. “That’s all. Just do that.”

“Okay.” I try to keep my voice steady.

I rush through the rest of the house, praying really hard that there are no more injured birds.

But there is. I figure it’s not worth hesitating. They’re all watching. 

I pick it up by the neck, just like Billy showed me. Its neck squirms in my hand like a snake, and it squawks a lot. That’s how I know I’ll able to do it. To make the awful squawking stop. 

Plus, they’re all just going to stare at me until I do it anyway.  I slam it against the wall. The squawking doesn’t stop. I didn’t do it hard enough. I do it harder. The squawking stops. 

I want to throw up, and I feel a tingling buzz at the same time. I look at Anne. Her smile makes the throw up part go away. 

Ed looks at Billy. “See that?”

“Took a while,” Billy says. 

“Now, he did good.”

I kill two more chickens by the time I’m done with that house. 

Billy asks if I want to help him in the other house since Ed needs to lie down.

I say sure.

We walk through the second house, looking left and right, scanning for any limps or crooked wings.

Each time I have to do it, it gets easier. Still, I hate doing it. It makes me feel like I’m hurting God. It would be one thing if we were going to eat them. But they were never going to make it to the processing plants anyway. They would just get fat off feed and end up in the flesh glacier behind the two houses anyway, turkey buzzards picking at them. 

“I’ve never killed one before,” Anne says, walking next to me and Billy. 

“He’s never made you help?”

“Oh I help every year. I just can’t do that.”

“So, what do you do?”

“Just toss it in the bucket.”

“Isn’t that worse?”

“I figure they’re suffering on the dirt floor here, or they’re suffering in the bucket. What’s the difference? All I’m doing is moving them.”

“Who gives a shit?” chimes Billy, cackling, cigarette dangling.

We dump the buckets of dead or dying chickens into the back of an old pickup. Billy backs up to the compost pile. 

It’s 93 degrees now. Humid. Chicken shit-ammonia air in every breath. It burns my lungs. 

Me and Billy stand on each side of the bed and toss handfuls of chickens into the massive compost pile. The buzzards wait in the surrounding trees. 

Anne stays in the AC. I don’t blame her. 

Billy grabs three chickens at a time in each hand, by the talons. I try to keep up. I can manage one in each hand. 

I look back at Anne. She’s texting. Probably her mom or her boss or something. I look at Billy. He never thinks about stuff like that. He’s probably thinking about taking a nap and sipping coffee and smoking by the fire later. 

Watching her causes me to slow down. 

“You alright?” growls Billy.

I pick up the pace. “Yep.” I toss a few more handfuls, look back at Anne. She’s still texting. 

The buzzards lean forward. 

Richard Pounder is a writer based in Philly. His fiction has appeared or is forthcoming in Bending Genres, Maudlin House, Expat Press, BULL, Some Words, and elsewhere. You can follow him on X: RichPounder150

Categories
Across The Wire Vol. 8

Three shorts 

by James Keith Smith
 

Game Night

My father, the murderer, wants to play Settlers of Catan. He assembles the board, takes the dice from the plastic bag, passes out resources—brick, sheep, ore. “It’s all about the ports,” he tells us, divulging his strategy. His old army rucksack is by the door. He spent the entirety of his incarceration playing board games. 

“How about a beer?” my wife asks.

“Or a glass of milk,” I say.

“Do you have soy?” my father asks.

My father can shoot a man between the eyes for $87 in small bills but he’s developed a slight dairy allergy. 

The man he murdered was only nineteen. His name was Ronald Fisher. He had a daughter, five months old. 

He calls my wife Little Lady, looks around the living room appraisingly, as though he’s casing the joint. He says the halfway house is always cold. The television is broken and the toaster doesn’t work. I wonder what my mother saw in him. I wonder what they talked about in those late-night phone calls and the monthly visits. 

Soon I lose interest in the game, make bad trades, stop going for Victory Points. 

“Will you be staying for dinner?” my wife asks when the game is over.

“Chow?” my father says.

I elbow her under the table. 

My father eats his polenta in three bites, then asks what it was. After dinner it’s time for him to go back to the halfway house, except he can’t find his key. 

My father can elude law enforcement for 37 days, but he can’t keep track of a door key. When we find it, my wife puts the key on a pink wrist coil, like the ones worn by teenage girls.  

“But wait,” my father says. “One more game.” 

Hearts—his favorite. The only time I visited him in prison, it wasn’t cigarettes, erotica, or fresh fruit he asked me to bring, but a new deck of Bicycle playing cards. My father deals. “Now remember, you have to follow suit.”

I have my father’s hands, the same jawline, the same blue eyes. Yesterday, on the way to work, a guy cut me off and I followed him for three blocks, got out, and pounded on the hood of his car. Quick to anger, my wife calls it. 

The games are over. It’s almost midnight. I want to give him something, a gift to ensure he’ll never come back. I look around the room. A chair, a lamp—anything. “Know what, Dad? Why don’t you take that TV home with you.”

“You mean it?”  

“Sure. I know what it’s like starting over.” 

For me, starting over was moving to a new city for college, leaving the dorms when I was 19. It was learning to live without a father, breaking up with a first girlfriend. It wasn’t being released from prison after twenty-five years, into a world that doesn’t want you. 

He hoists the rucksack over his shoulder, lifts the television. I watch him disappear, close the door, and lock the deadbolt. 


The Closers

One night, Bruce Springsteen played at my band’s house party. We were about to be evicted. There were dirty dishes in the bathtub, the toilet handle was missing. Bruce Springsteen’s red bandana fell off in the foyer. It was a great party until someone left a hash knife in the daiquiri mix and turned on the blender. The girl lost her eye but she wouldn’t press charges.

When the party was over, Bruce Springsteen was able to reboard his tour bus only after being hermetically sealed in a germ-free plastic pouch. We all waved goodbye from the porch as his forty-five-foot tour bus pulled away. 

The next day, our band hit the studio. Speck, the recording engineer, kept a bottle of bourbon under the console. Liquid courage, he said. 

Speck was originally from Placerville, California. I’d never been to Placerville, but I imagined it was one of those sun-scorched towns where everyone worked at the Petco and lived next to a water treatment plant. 

Speck said lots of bands are great live, but when you get them in the studio, they can’t produce. They weren’t closers. We wanted to be closers. 

Back then, we all had day jobs. Our singer worked as a dog walker. Our drummer was in telephone marketing. I was a migrant farm worker. We were young and unambitious. We took all the latest drugs. But I was unhappy. 

Ever since I was a boy back in Little Walnut, Iowa, I wanted to be famous. At family gatherings, I stood on an ottoman and sang hymns for my seven sisters. One year, I won the Little Walnut talent competition for my impersonation of Mrs. Teller, our school secretary. 

Bruce Springsteen called, he was looking for his bandana. Were we hungry? He was meeting with Interscope Records CEO Jimmy Iovine to ink a thirty-two million dollar deal, but he could stop by a BBQ joint on the way back. He took our lunch orders. We were all vegan, but we couldn’t tell Bruce Springsteen that, so pork it was. 

Bruce came with the sandwiches wrapped in waxy paper. We wanted to show off. Before noon, we recorded thirty-seven versions of House of the Rising Sun, which our guitar player thought he had written. Our singer was learning the saxophone. We discouraged it heartily.

I played hammered dulcimer. We were a punk band. It was a transitional period. 

By 2pm, we were starving. Someone brought in a carrot cake from Safeway. I found a dirty fork next to a hotplate and washed it with powdered soap in the bathroom sink. Bruce slipped out the back door.

In the control room, there was a green chaise lounge. I laid down and stared at the posters on the ceiling. My favorite was the Whitesnake poster promoting their controversial sixth album, Slide It In. I hadn’t slid it in anyone in a long time.

Her name was Coco, like the Puffs. Coco was a dance major at a small liberal arts college. She was a very passionate woman, until a hash knife got stuck in her eye.

That night, at the studio, we took all of the drugs and drank all the whiskey. Our drummer drank a pint of kerosene and smashed a beer can against his forehead at 120 BPMs. I set fire to the control panel, and we made off with thousands in high-end microphones, vintage amps, and monitors.

Later, after the band split up, it was back to migrant farm work for me: blueberries in late summer, apples in fall, oranges in winter. I got my knuckles tattooed and lived in a yurt. I discovered Camus and Jean-Paul Sartre. 

One morning, years later, back in Little Walnut, I saw Bruce Springsteen again. I followed him through a cornfield at dawn. The leaves of corn were decorated with beads of dew, my cotton pants heavy from the wet stalks rubbing against my thighs. Finally, I caught up to him. He was wearing his ‘Born to Run’ era outfit: black leather jacket, white T-shirt, and torn jeans. I tapped on his shoulder, and he turned to me, but by then I wasn’t a punk anymore, just a regular guy with a receding mohawk and nothing to prove.


Round and Round

Beef is forty-eight. Works in the record store and sings in a black metal band. Lives on Pop-Tarts. Is locally famous. Every Saturday night, a dozen hoarse, middle-aged women scream his name, fists raised in the sign of the devil horns. 

Beef has a son. The son lives in Phoenix. Caitlyn, the boy’s mother, seethes with hatred. Beef wants to talk to the son. It’s his birthday. The boy is eight. They haven’t spoken in—how long has it been? Never. They have never spoken. 

Beef’s long hair is always wet. He stands behind the counter, unknowable. An early Japanese import of Black Sabbath’s Paranoid in one hand, Samsung in the other. He dials. The boy’s mother answers.

His mouth is dry. How can he explain? 

“Is that you, Fuck-wad?” 

He hangs up.

Beef rings up customers. Record Store Day—the biggest event of the year. There are boxes to unload, exclusive ten-inch records, split singles, box sets. Beef holds a life-sized cardboard cutout of James Hetfield under his arm. The ceiling fan goes round and round. 

*

His ex, Caitlyn, was always on the move. Huntington Beach, San Francisco, Buenos Aires. By the time Beef got an address or phone number, she and the boy had already moved on. When he knew her back in the day, they painted each other’s nails black and snorted heroin. But then she joined a religious cult. There is a BBC documentary about the cult. 

“Tell me about him,” Beef says when he gets the nerve to call back. He’s in the storage room of the record store. “It’s his birthday, right? What does he like?” He still hasn’t chosen a record for his son. Something rare. Miles Davis or Sonny Rollins, the Blue Note years. Even in her wild days, Caitlyn carried a faint whiff of praise music about her. Now that she’s gone full-tilt nut-job, he can’t imagine what kind of music the child is exposed to. 

“Tell me about 80k in unpaid child support,” Caitlyn says.

“I tried to find you. You kept moving.” 

“Bullshit.” She hangs up. 

Beef puts on a record. Ambient music. Droning guitars, undulating distortion, a tone poem. He breathes. Eats a Pop-Tart. Doesn’t taste it. Back behind the register, there’s a line out the door. Customers complain. 

*

After work, exhausted, Beef goes to the Alley Cat, a poorly lit dive three doors down. Cracked vinyl bar stools. A warped pool table. Dollar bills stapled to the ceiling. He has a polaroid of his son in the pocket of his leather jacket. A woman approaches, mid-forties. She looks familiar. She climbs up on the pool table, takes a dollar from the ceiling, hands it to Beef. 

“Put on something romantic,” she says.

At the jukebox, Beef selects a Townes Van Zandt record. His eyes begin to swell: that first ambling section, the interplay between the two acoustic guitars. When Caitlyn became pregnant, he tried to be a good guy. Offered to pay for the procedure. When she refused, he told her he’d man up. Do all the things. Beef stands at the jukebox, breathes, steadies himself. 

When he returns to his barstool the woman is gone and so is his leather jacket.

“Why do they call you Beef?” the bartender asks.

“I’m from Iowa,” Beef says, looking out the door. 

Later, Beef stumbles towards home. Sees a shooting star. Lies on a picnic table in the park, looks at the Milky Way. Caitlyn never gave him a chance. He might have been a wonderful father. 

*

At home the porch light is on. 

“How was work, honey?” his girlfriend asks.

“Good,” Beef says.

“Were you a good boy today?” She wears leather. Her whip is long. She takes the last bite of an apple, leaves the core on the counter. “Do you want to play?” she asks.

“Very much so.”  

The sheets are clean. It’s the duvet cover he likes—low thread count, scratchy. She binds his hands. Brings out the strap-on. Stuffs the ball gag in his mouth. Lights a candle. But there is a hole in the bedroom ceiling. He’s just seeing it now. A crack along the crown molding, three or four inches, and then a hole, like in the center of a record. Up through the roof, it goes on and on. 


James Keith Smith’s work has appeared in Split Lip Magazine, Moon City Review, Sierra Nevada Review, Pithead Chapel, and others. He grew up in Michigan and lives in Tacoma, WA. You can read more of his work at jameskeithsmith.com.

Categories
Across The Wire Vol. 8

An Ordinary Day

by Sarp Sozdinler

I went to the grocery store because I wanted cereal, and also because I wanted to leave my apartment for a reason that sounded more respectable than I needed to leave my apartment. I bought cereal, dish soap, frozen peas, a loaf of bread, and one lemon. I don’t know why I bought one lemon. It felt like the right thing to do at the time. The cashier asked if I wanted my receipt. I said no. Then I said yes. Then I said actually no, you know what, forget it. She looked at me for a moment and printed the receipt anyway and put it in the bag without saying anything. I drove home and carried the bags inside. The plastic handles cut into my fingers. The loaf of bread fell out onto the sidewalk, but it was still in the plastic so I decided that was fine. I put everything away except the lemon, which I left on the counter because I kept forgetting I have lemons.

Later that night I wanted to know how much the cereal had cost. I looked through the bag for the receipt but the receipt wasn’t there. I looked on the counter. I looked in the bread bag, for some reason. I checked my bank app but it only showed the total, which I already knew, because the total had been bad. I went out to the car with my phone flashlight and looked between the seats. I found two pens, a hard french fry, a guitar pick, and the title to the car in an envelope I had been meaning to deal with for maybe two years. I couldn’t find the receipt. I sat in the driver’s seat in the dark and thought about how the cashier had definitely put the receipt in the bag. I tried to remember watching her do it. I thought maybe I had thrown it away involuntarily, out of habit. I thought maybe my body made decisions my mind wasn’t included in every now and again. I went back upstairs and checked the kitchen trash. There was coffee sludge, peas I’d spilled and then swept off the counter with my hand, and the cardboard sleeve from the frozen pizza I ate for lunch. Still no receipt.

The next morning the lemon was gone. I stood in the kitchen and looked at the place where it had been. I looked around like maybe it had rolled somewhere while I was asleep. I checked the floor. I checked the fruit bowl, which strangely had one garlic in it. I checked the refrigerator, even though I knew I didn’t put the lemon in there. I started to think maybe I was mixing up days and had never bought a lemon in the first place. I remembered placing it on the conveyor belt after the dish soap because I didn’t want lemon chemicals from the lemon getting on the bread. I still don’t know if lemon chemicals are real. They seem real. I found the grocery bag in the trash and looked into the emptiness of it. I became convinced that the receipt incident and the lemon incident were somehow related.

I drove back to the grocery store. I didn’t really have a plan. I went to customer service and said I had a weird question. The woman at customer service said okay in a way that suggested she had already heard what I would say many times before. I told her I’d shopped there the night before and lost my receipt and also a lemon had gone missing from my kitchen. She asked if I wanted a duplicate receipt. I said probably, yeah. She asked if I knew the time of the transaction. I said approximately. She asked if I had the card I used. I handed it to her. She typed something in her computer for a while and then printed something out. She handed me the duplicate receipt. I looked at it. There was no lemon on it.

I said that’s strange because I remember that I’d definitely bought a lemon. She said then you probably didn’t. I said no, I definitely did. She said then it would be on the receipt. I said unless the receipt was incomplete somehow. She said receipts are usually pretty committed to their thing. I looked at the receipt again. Cereal, dish soap, peas, bread. No lemon. The total was lower than I remembered, which I didn’t like, because it suggested the receipt might be right. And that I might be wrong. I asked if anyone had found a stray lemon. She said where. I said I don’t know, maybe near the registers. She looked at me for a while, then looked past me and said, next guest please, even though I was still there and no one was behind me.

I drove home feeling like I had been slightly inconvenienced. What’s worse was when I went back in the apartment the lemon was on the counter exactly where I’d left it. Beside it was the receipt. Not the duplicate receipt from customer service. The original receipt, folded once. I unfolded it. The lemon was on there. One lemon. 0.89. I looked at the counter, the lemon, the receipt, my own hand holding the receipt. I thought about calling someone (Mom, a therapist, the grocery store representative), though I didn’t know what I would say. I thought about taking a picture, but I couldn’t decide if a picture of the lemon or a picture of the receipt would make more sense. They both could look pretty normal in a picture. I picked the lemon up. It felt cold in my hand. Not refrigerator cold. More like outside at night cold. I put it back down on the counter. 

I ate a bowl of cereal. I kept looking at the lemon while I ate. The cereal tasted a little like dish soap. When I finished, I went to pick up the receipt. I folded it into a ball in my palm and uncrumpled it to put it in my wallet. I put the lemon in the freezer. It just seemed safer somehow.


Sarp Sozdinler has been published in Electric Literature, Kenyon Review, Shenandoah, Wigleaf, HAD, Hobart, X-R-A-Y, Maudlin House, and Pithead Chapel, among other journals. He edits the literary journal The Bulb Region.

Categories
Across The Wire Vol. 8

The Other Garden

by Craig Rodgers

Billy swings the hammer. A big crusher of a thing. Feet of wood stem with a fat hunk of iron wedged on the end. 

Remodeling, he calls it. It’s cheaper this way, he says. Opening up the room between kitchen and den. Some jargon name for this he saw on a show. Shared space. Dual use. Something. He swings the hammer again. 

Things are moved out of the way. Household staples dragged. An end table, framed photos. Buckets of English ivy that once hung are set in a corner. Things waiting for a new equilibrium. 

Plaster falls with each boom. He hits the same spot over and over. A hole appears and spreads. The structure underneath. He goes on swinging, pounding. Cursing and grunting and on.

There is a crack, a noise more fragile now. A thing shuttering all through. Billy lets down the sledge, where it wobbles and settles and sits. He leans down to look in the hole. 

There is a darkness. He leans more still and a hint of light shows. But the smell. He presses close.

“Hon?”

Soft footfalls come. Amber. She says hey, she says what. He talks.

“Can you smell this?”

“Bill, hon, what?”

“Just come look.”

“Are you doing something gross?”

“I’m not joking. There’s a smell.”

She steps over the mess and leans down and breathes. She looks at him and breathes again. 

“What the hell?”

“That’s weird, right?”

“Is it poison? I read poisons smell sweet.”

“I don’t think it’s poison. I think it smells like grass.”

Her eyes fall closed as she breathes. One hand picks at loose plaster.

“That’s so weird,” she says.

_____

It’s like a chainsaw. Some kind of jagged machine. He cuts at ragged edges and wall falls away and beyond this another layer waits. He steps back and then around to the side of the existing partition and he frowns. The fractured barrier shows an inner depth. He knocks away loose parts. He tries to enter the space. Crawling.

The first thing he feels is a heat. This little cubby. He wipes his face with a hand and he scoots. An inner wall shows cracks from his knocking. He turns and braces and he gives one hard kick. Plaster goes flying and then light comes. 

“Oh. Shit.”

_____

The hole doesn’t show onto the den. The space beyond the shattered wall is open grassland. A soft breeze shuffles limbs. Animal noise hums. Bugs, other things. Wafting green leans under foreign sun. Billy shifts and turns and puts his face near the hole. 

The air is jungle hot. The land ahead shows swaying fields of some alien grain. Maybe it has a name known but Billy doesn’t know. He looks around with a face stupid and shaken. He touches wood to make sure. The house is still here, he is still in the house. In the house’s middle, looking onto a grassland beyond. A little at a time he backs away.

_____

He pretends it’s fine for a day and another day. He doesn’t quite look that way going by. When she asks he says I’m going to get to it, I’m going to get back to it. The wood needs a different kind of support is all. I’m gonna get to it, I promise.

On the third day he finds her looking. He can’t find her and then he does. Sitting down in the hole. Staring.

“Billy? What is this?”

He crawls in behind. The smell is the first thing he notices. The change. Old mud now. Like a slap. He leans and he looks and the land has become something else. A pall has replaced the waving grasses, the green and reaching life now fallen over and gray. Here and there a patch of some familiar clover shows, and in the distance some bizarre pink thing rises in sprouts. The ground below is a wet black thing.

“I don’t understand.”

He pulls her back from the hole.

“It’s nothing.”

She turns wide eyes his way. Horror.

“Nothing?”

“Come on out of here. I just need to patch up the wall.”

“You’re going to patch it up?”

“That’s all I need to do.”

“Bill?”

“It’s fine.”

“Bill, what is this?”

He touches her arm until she turns and then he leads her back into the house proper.

“It’s just a hole in the wall. That’s all it is.”

_____

He wakes with red eyes. Touching, pressing. He clears his throat in hard chugs. Early morning light shows through blinds. He touches her hip and she moans and rolls away.

He pads to the bathroom and pisses and coughs and he spits into the toilet waiting. Snot and blood there. He stares. He hears her moaning again. Words. Babe. Babe?

Machine noise begins somewhere. A buzzing. Leaf blower, chainsaw, something. Babe? He’s moving through rooms in a haze. Is this a fever? Illness? He turns a corner and moves down a hall and he passes by the hole in the wall and tries not to look but he does look and a growth black and wet creeps in all directions from that cave. 

Onward. The front door waits ahead. That machine noise still. And back the way he came, Babe? Stumbling steps. His breath labored, squeezed. 

He turns the knob and pushes out and he braces for a breath fresh and deep he expects but it doesn’t come, and now he is gagging, and he is bending.

Landscapers move along the street in pairs. Industrial grade masks obscure the faces they turn to look. They move one with a weed eater and another with a pumped spray, marching up one side of the street and down the other, together attacking with a focused vigor the many patches of some pink and rising thing showing in sprouts all along the way for blocks ahead.


Craig Rodgers is the author of several books, dozens of stories, countless notes, and one convoluted plan to fake his own death.

Categories
Across the Wire Vol. 7

Third Saturday in May 

by Jameson Draper

Roman immediately regretted his outfit choices as soon as he stepped out of the Uber and onto Pimlico grounds. The whole thing was a glorified patch of dirt transformed into gray mud by the formless rain, and he was wearing the white loafers he bought from the thrift specifically for the occasion. The thrift was in the Hispanic part of town. It’s also where he got his white Stetson, which, along with the loafers, he figured came from the body of some older Mexican man, who once deemed these garments his Sunday best. Roman paired the hat and loafers with a loose off-white Oxford shirt tucked into cream linen pants, all sure to be destroyed by the mud. He erroneously thought an all-white fit would be proper and haute, his own personal nod to the commencement of summer and the ceremony of tradition. It was supposed to be the first warm weekend of the year—and it was, nearly touching eighty degrees—but the rain had not been in the forecast. He originally wanted to wear an all-black outfit, since this was a pseudo-funeral for Pimlico, its last year hosting the Preakness Stakes before they moved the Triple Crown race out of Baltimore to the state track down in Laurel to allow for repairs that, Roman was convinced, would never actually happen. He didn’t see the need for repairs to a century-old track; he’d been alive long enough to see the aesthetic charm of old venues turned into something grotesque and efficient for the sake of capital. He lamented the loss of old baseball parks, which, like Pimlico, he’d never been to. This was why he made the hour-long trek down to Baltimore for what he was sure would be the old venue’s swan song.

What Roman found, though, in his porcelain splendor, was not a Kentucky Derby-esque display of snobbish American decadence he yearned to cosplay for one fateful late spring day, but a Petri dish of no-frills debauchery and hedonism, the smell of flowers and cigars replaced by shit and cigarettes. He thought he’d find himself surrounded by southern belle debutantes donning garish hats in their closest sojourn to a Union state; instead he found half-naked women with smeared makeup in crop tops and ripped jean shorts, racing each other along the tops of port-a-potties and double-fisting Black-Eyed Susans, the official beverage of the Preakness Stakes, a peach schnapps and bourbon concoction with a touch of orange juice whose sweetness makes a mint julep taste like bitters. Roman apparently failed to realize this was Baltimore,      Charm City, a place with rustic industrial allure built upon the backs of blue-collar workers and dreamers, whose idea of luxury was a cold beer and a fistful of crab guts. He realized, albeit      too late, that he thought this would be like Louisville. He accidentally imagined Churchill Downs without realizing it, full of pageantry and performative etiquette, where expensive drugs were done by the American elite behind the closed doors of suites and limousines, where you could see the best wide receiver in the NFL and the richest man in the South standing shoulder-to-shoulder, placing bets on horses you’ve never heard of in amounts you could never fathom. Instead, he found himself in this mud they called the “infield,” a place that somehow escaped the watchful eyes of God, where men in faux leather boots and Make America Great Again t-shirts did key bumps of coke out in the open and fondled unsuspecting girls behind Zyn pop-up tents. If Churchill Downs was a society ball, then Pimlico was a state school frat party. The rain kept coming harder and from the infield the horses could only be seen for a fleeting moment, rounding the second-to-last turn of the races, kicking up mud and disappearing as fast as they came. Roman was disgusted and, moreover, heartbroken.

He stood under a sprawling tent in the beer line, jaded and ready to leave, smoking a cigarette he bummed from an overweight man with a soul patch and a straw cowboy hat adorned with the Coors Light logo, who complimented Roman’s Stetson, by now soaked through. The beer line in the tent was packed to the brim because Ray Lewis would be there signing autographs. Roman looked at the line of unmoving drunkards thoughtlessly waiting like the line was the event itself. When he got to the front—which seemed like it took hours—he convinced the bartender to sell him six beers and three shots, planning not to go through that ordeal again. He poured the shots into a plastic flask he brought and harnessed the beers between his forearm and chest. He walked back outside. The rain had subsided into a sort of steady mist, subdued enough for Roman to stand alone in the mud, drink, and plot his next move. He had none. His loafers were covered in mud, with no more white visible, and the cuffs of his linen pants were spattered. He looked around and saw he was the only person standing alone, everyone else in a group of friends, laughing or crying or puking or sleeping on the lawn. It was clear to him this venue was only used once a year, left to rot for the other fifty-one weekends in this otherwise quiet residential neighborhood. Everything looked sad to him. Even the grandstand, the dilapidated concrete sloping and cracking at its seams, extemporaneously covered by a glass press box that made it look not so much nice again, but like the racetrack was trying to hide      its true state of desolation and disrepair. The image of a Band-Aid on a gunshot wound came to Roman. He wandered toward the bathroom. The cement concourse was streaked with unidentified liquid stains and smelled like stale beer, musty laundry and hot dogs. Once he was inside, the scene seemed, at first glance, more congruent with Roman’s expectations. It was full of ambling attendees who paid for seats. They were dressed a bit nicer than the clientele outside, but upon a second glance even they exuded some sort of brokenness in fashion; the men’s black and gray suits poorly tailored, some of them wearing sneakers instead of dress shoes;      the women wearing ill-fitting dresses with unbecoming silhouettes,      cosplaying themselves a subculture they evidently knew nothing about. In the bathroom, Roman’s loafers were further defiled by the standing water on the floor, most of which, he assumed, was actually stale piss. 

Roman lost track of time back at his lonely spot in the infield, drinking away the hours, thinking that maybe they should tear this shit hole down. He downed his beverages quicker than he planned and laid back into the wet earth in an act of surrender, accepting that once he woke up, he may never be able to wash off the mud. But he did wake up, an unknown number of hours later, to a foreign touch and the unmistakable and inscrutable scent of a woman. A woman? He opened his eyes and saw a beauty with golden locks, hazel eyes, small mouth, fair skin, and an inexplicably pristine white dress, leaning over him with a look of concern, rubbing his right arm. She looked like an angel to him, juxtaposed with the roaming miscreants all around her. The deep focus of the scene before him struck Roman like something from a movie. He thought she smelled floral and earthy, but it could’ve just been the still-wet mud beneath him, though he noticed it had stopped raining and, while still cloudy, the sun was attempting to peek through the dense rain clouds. It was like the heavens had opened up to him. He was still very drunk. He thought maybe he was dreaming. He felt himself and felt her arm. All he could muster was a short, confused, “Huh?”

She put her finger on his lips to indicate silence and Roman acquiesced, still mostly unsure of…everything. Then she laid beside him. He wondered why, and worried that her beautiful long hair was going to get dirty from the mud. He looked around and saw no one nearby. It seemed this woman was alone. He turned and looked at her with one squinting eye, his vision going in and out of focus. Closer to him, she smelled like pure ethanol, cheap vodka. He looked at her and she looked at him for almost an entire minute. Neither spoke. Then she took her hand and ran it across his sideburns and through his hair and smiled. At that moment, Roman realized his Stetson had fallen off in his sleep. It sat in a puddle of mud above his head. She moved her hand down to his collar and pulled him close. She closed her eyes and started to make out with him. She unbuttoned the top button of his Oxford shirt and ran her hands through his chest hair. He felt himself growing at her touch. She smiled as she kissed him and exhaled. Roman could smell cigarettes on her breath in addition to the alcohol. All signs, aside from her seraphic beauty, pointed to the fact that she was another pleasure-seeking youth at the overindulgent booze-soaked white kid saturnalia, but for the first time, Roman didn’t care. For a few moments he opened his heart and his body, taking in everything from her scent, her touch, her gaze. 

He pulled back from her kiss and said, “What’s your name?”

The woman smiled and pulled away from his grasp; he had wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her in without realizing it. For the first time he wondered if others were looking, but then thought again, and decided he did not care one way or the other. The woman did not respond. She sat up from the ground and grabbed his muddy Stetson. She put it on. Her head was small and the hat was huge, but her smile, glowing out from under its brim, further illuminated her beauty, its very spirit drowning out the mere size of the ruined hat. She pinched his exposed chest, stood up and turned around to walk away. As she strode toward the crowd in the distance, Roman noticed with a mixture of pleasure and astonishment that, somehow, her little white dress was completely clean. There was no mud anywhere. Roman could not fathom how that was possible. He noticed from the taut feeling in his cheeks that he, too, was smiling wide. 

He shook off the final remnants of his sleepiness and noticed that in the distance a stage had been set up some time during his rest and Bruno Mars was performing. Bruno Mars was listed on Roman’s Preakness ticket as the “afterparty” performer, meaning he had missed the main race. Normally this would have angered Roman, but he noted with some surprise that he was totally unbothered. He looked around and didn’t see where the woman had gone. He stood up and stumbled half-drunk around the smattering of people that remained for the show—most had gone home, it seemed, after the races, probably because of the rain—and could not find her anywhere. He knew that if she was in his sightline, she couldn’t be missed. She was too bright, a moving orb of light among the drab grayness of the track, to blend in with the crowd. He decided he needed another beer, so he went back to the tent, where the beer line was thankfully much shorter.

Roman got his beer quickly. He walked back outside and stood alone again and scanned the scene before him as he sipped his tepid brew. His clothes were almost completely coated in mud and he was cold to the bone, but he felt a pulsating warmth inside. He looked around and for the first time noticed the hitherto hidden beauty of this American tableau. Patches of grass, glowing verdant and full of life from the downpour, were sprouting up out of the suffocating infield mud. The porta-potties sat in incredibly straight rows on either side of the field in perfect symmetry. The torn-up mud on the only turn on the track he could see was glistening in the afterglow of the rain. The sky in its yellowgray timidity took on a friendly softness. Even the tumbledown grandstand in the distance shone in a new light; its charm was in its disarray and decay, not despite it. Each crack and slope and spore of mold were another story, another layer, in this grand house’s long history. Roman realized—or maybe just remembered—that every scar is a story. A wave of melancholy overtook him; he wished people could just get in touch with the sensuality of downtrodden imperfection. For the same reason he liked the musty old halls of baseball stadiums he’d never been to, he began to develop an acute and dear love for the ramshackle Pimlico. And now it was going to be torn down, mere months away from the cold and unforgiving face of the wrecking ball. And so it would cease to exist, whatever bound to replace it sure to be more soulless, sterile, and empty than what now stood on these mythic grounds. 

Something inside Roman changed for good. He was just happy to have been able to see Pimlico as it was always meant to be before it was too late. 

He walked off the grounds at dusk and didn’t bother to try and wipe off his shoes. 

He had already forgotten that the unnamed woman stole his hat, though he remembered her. 

He sat on a curb as the stragglers left the Bruno Mars show. 

He watched a group of angry PETA representatives on the opposite corner protesting the inhumane practices of racehorse owners and smiled. 

He found a vendor down the block selling leftover Miller Lites for one dollar a pop. 

He bought three.


Jameson Draper is a writer from Detroit. He currently lives in Baltimore. His work has appeared in Burial Magazine, Hobart and Michigan City Review of Books, among others. He loves his gray cat, a crisp negroni and a baseball game on a summer night. He is endlessly frightened and is wondering if he could maybe have a bite of your shawarma. Follow him on Twitter @jamdraper.

Categories
Across the Wire Vol. 7

Here We Are

By Conrad Joseph Walsh

Vegas heat is oppressive. It makes shoe rubber melt into asphalt. The kind of heat that requires dog owners to put literal shoes on their canine’s paws in the summertime. 

I drive to Smith’s Food King to buy some Monster Energy drinks. The white ones. I get the drinks and put them in my cart. 

I slouch down a few more aisles with no real goal. The cereal aisle screams with loud colors and cartoonish fonts. I add a box of Trix to my cart. A man starts talking to me, and I wish I had my AirPods in.

“None of this stuff is good for us, but here we are, right?”

“Right.”

“Health is the most valuable thing there is. It’s not money. If we’re rich but sick, then what do we really have.”      

“That’s a good point.”

“Have a good one, brother.”

“You too.”

I escape the aisle and head for checkout. Gotta get out before another impromptu conversation. Without AirPods, it’s too risky to be in here like this. 

The Dalai Lama once said that the ultimate source of happiness is not money and power, but warm-heartedness. But the Dalai Lama is rich. His net worth is 150 mil––so much for that vow of poverty. And before you tell me about how it’s held in a foundation and that he doesn’t have access to it, et cetera, et cetera, what I know is this: his rent is always covered, he has book deals, and that pad in Dharamshala isn’t exactly a dump. 

I feel myself atrophy in the parking lot. The palm trees look like candles on a birthday cake, waiting to be lit by the waves of heat radiating off parked cars and abandoned shopping carts on Tropicana.

Conrad Joseph Walsh writes fiction and essays exploring disillusionment, absurdity, and the quiet pressures of modern life. His work has appeared in Expat and elsewhere online. He lives in the American Southwest.

Categories
Across the Wire Vol. 7

short prose 

by Naa Asheley Ashitey

I’m not giving up, but I won’t lie to you: I’m starting to get really tired 

It feels like we’re going backwards. No, I know we’re going backwards. Everyone believes we’re the generation that’s going to fix this, but I don’t think we will. I don’t think we ever will. 

My dad might still have his November 2008 copy of the Chicago Defender, and I am still able to walk freely in the halls of these ivory towers because Brown V Board passed barely a decade after my father was born, and yet every single day I wonder if all my fuck ups are going to be the reason why the next incoming class in my med school might have no Black students.

The bold, defiant tone I speak with is somehow more hated by third-term Obama liberals I know as my fellow peers than the white man that called me a nigger when I went to pick up my chipotle order the other day. How broken must we be that when I scroll my social media I see more people crying over the fact that we will likely never live under an institution ruled by another Black war criminal. How broken must I be that I, who openly calls that man a war criminal, am still willing to waste 270 characters defending said war criminal in a tweet, because that term has been reduced to another dog-whistle; another word and phrase that I’ve come to hate, alongside “well-spoken,” “educated,” “polished.”

“Akata.”

How broken must we be that we’re going backwards because my people have always moved forward; that we are capable of occupying the spaces built by our own blood, at the cost of the morals and sufferings of our past ancestors being used in speeches about inclusion and progress, as we are now able to participate in imperialistic bombing campaigns and rewriting laws that if we had not undone, we would not be able to be the ones undoing them because we’d still be blocked.

I still hold sympathy for my people who once believed we could change the evil of this world, only to find themselves complicit. Even as I watch families torn apart and children born beneath rubble, I’m still getting text messages from my classmates who are more concerned with the language I use to fight oppression than recognizing the privilege of never having to have fight for the basic civil liberty of sitting down and studying for fifteen hours straight to take a poorly written med school midterm. 


Hush little baby please don’t cry, I want you to dream of lights and stars tonight. 

When I was a child, I used to have this nightmare about a dinosaur chasing me. If my mother wasn’t shaking me awake, it would often be my sudden jolt and eruption of sobs that would cause her to wake up. My dad would rush in from the living room to help my mom calm down my non-stop babbling about how I don’t want the dinosaur to kill me. Eventually, I would fall back asleep, clutching my favorite brown teddy bear, hoping she would absorb the nightmares. 

When I’d wake up the next morning, I could feel how puffy my eyes were. Sometimes as an extra present, I’d have more snot than usual falling down my nose. Though most notably, once I truly was awake and aware of my surroundings, I could recognize physically and mentally that something had shifted; I felt this notable disorientated feeling. At age four I did not know nor use that word, so in four-year-old terms, I felt “crummy” and “bleh.”

Sometimes, my mom was still asleep in her bed or the couch (depending on where I was sleeping that night), or she was already in the kitchen cooking breakfast (or lunch if it was a really bad cry that tired me out). I slowly walked to the bathroom, aware that my vision was slightly worse than normal, especially when I’d bump into the corner of the brown dresser in the room. When I looked at myself in the mirror, it was more terrifying to see how a silly dream that I made up in my head could put me in such a state in which I looked so awful. I felt like I was looking at a shell of myself. I was one year shy of seeing Evanescence’s “Everybody’s Fool” music video but it’s almost uncanny how I created the mirror scene on my own—minus smashing my hand and cutting myself. I’d touch the bags under my eyes, thinking if I pushed down hard enough, the bags would deflate. I’d try to smile and bring back the image of myself that I was used to seeing; one that wasn’t this disheveled. It was futile. The smile would dissipate, and it felt like I was looking at a horror scene. I knew if my mom saw how I looked, she’d worry. So I’d splash cold water on my face (I didn’t know about the ice-cube/spoon-in-freezer trick yet) to reduce the puffiness. Once my mom was awake or done in the kitchen, I’d call her to help me brush my teeth and get ready for the day. She never really asked me more about the nightmares. In retrospect, I’m glad she never did; it almost felt quite nice to leave the nightmare behind and simply move on. She’d walk away to get an extra towel for my bath, but in the seven seconds she was gone, I’d look back in the mirror, touch those eyebags once more and turn away.

I couldn’t swear away nightmares, but I certainly wanted to do whatever I could to avoid them. So, my bright idea: constantly do things that made me happy in the day. I would beg my mom to let us go on a walk in the park across the street or head to the playground two blocks away from the Jewel-Osco we bought groceries at. It was the distraction I needed. If we couldn’t get time to go out, I’d reread some of my favorite books (while complaining to my mom we needed another dollar tree or library run) to my teddy bears and barbies till it was TV time and I could watch Cyberchase. Ultimately, I was distracted, and it felt freeing. I felt so sure that as long I kept this routine up, the nightmares would cease.

And then I joined the gifted program in kindergarten and learned that nightmares could happen in the day and come in the form of other kids. In 1st grade, the arguments turned into yelling, and I started to fall in love with silence. In 2nd grade, I looked for new coping mechanisms and found sharpening a pencil and digging it into my right arm gave me the relief I needed. In 5th grade, I started hoping and begging my mind to give me the dinosaur nightmares in place of watching my home fall apart, and the fast-growing apathy and hate I felt towards myself.

I don’t remember when I stopped being afraid to see what I looked like in the mirror. All I know is that I started to become grateful to wake up and see my disheveled state.

It meant that I was still alive.


I want to be a mother

I want to be a mother. I want to be a good mother. I want to be a better mother than my mother was, not that she wasn’t good or that she didn’t love me, but that I don’t want my daughter to end up like me. I want my daughter to never think about the number of calories in a frappe. I want her to never fear telling me how she feels. She should be able to complete her sentences and not just fall into silence, keeping her true feelings to herself. I want her to always believe in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, maybe not forever, but longer than age 6. Maybe till she’s 10. That might be too old. I don’t know what age you’re supposed to stop believing in those things, but I know I didn’t believe long enough. I want her to walk in sneakers and heels, or whichever one she likes more, I’ll get her as many as possible in all her favorite colors. I want her to never wake up with the walls of her bedroom rumbling from audio vibrations, if so, it must only come from the TV, never from my voice or her dad’s. I want to nurse all her tummy aches, sing her songs even after she’s fallen into REM, and dance with her even when I don’t want to get up from the ground. I hope she never finds my pill bottles. I hope she never asks about the girls in old photos of mine that I don’t know anymore, and I can spare her from learning the complicated dynamics of friendships and the heartbreak that it can come with. Maybe she’ll know how to make friends better than me, so she’ll never have to learn how to heal from losing what you thought would be life long-friendships. Maybe she won’t have to learn that it will take about a year before you can talk about those people and recall memories without feeling that ache in your stomach and tears welling up in your eyes. Frankly, I hope she wakes up from nightmares about dinosaurs and unintelligible objects, and never from the things I said to her, or the things she says to herself in her head. I want to be a mother. I want to be a good mother. I want to be a better mother than my mother was, not that she wasn’t good or that she didn’t love me. I just don’t want my daughter to wish that her mother would’ve taken SSRIs and believed in therapists as much as she believed in the Lord. I don’t want my daughter to end up writing stupid prose poems at 11:28pm on a Saturday about how she hopes she doesn’t fuck up as a mother, not because I think my mother fucked up. But because I am fucked up, for a lot of reasons. Some of those reasons just happen to include my mother.


Dread without the Jenga Pieces 

1:23am:

I can sometimes be a scaredy-cat. Isn’t everyone? No, well, okay then. No, it’s fine, I might as well just be honest here. Yes, I am a scaredy-cat. Anytime I play Mario Kart with my cousins, I request levels that don’t have any of the chain-champers or whatever those fucking creepy blocks are called that fall on your head. Thwomps? Thwamps? Whatever. It is not even fear in a jumpscare manner. It’s just, like, seeing a face turn angry and move quickly to attack that freaks me out. I’m not explaining this right but whatever. Overall, I’m not into scary games or scary movies, though I know a lot about the Five Nights at Freddy’s games from watching all my favorite YouTubers play it. Their reactions to the jump scares are funny so it seems weird that I can handle that type of content, but I can never play any of the complicated Mario Kart levels with the things that scare me or I’ll cry.This is a really stupid confession. I don’t know, I have so many other things that I’m scared of, but I feel like they are things I bring up that inevitably separates myself from people. I’d rather confess about Mario Kart than all the intrusive thoughts I’m fighting back acting on every single moment. But it’s so hard, you know?

You’re supposed to be able to talk to your friends about how you’re doing. I want to tell people that I’m not doing okay. I want to tell people that I’m not really suicidal. I’m not suicidal, like, I’m not. I guess there are times that I just want everything to stop and be silent, but not in a dead kind of way. Or sort of in a dead kind of way. I know they say to reach out to your friends and be honest, but I think I share too much that it scares people or stresses them out. I become the stressful friend, instead of the strong friend confessing I’m having a rough time and I just want someone to know I’m working on it but I’m struggling. I don’t want to push people away, but I also don’t want to keep being open and honest with people about how I’m doing, just to wake up the next morning to discover I’m blocked. It’s a double-edged sword. When I keep everything in, I get hurt. When I decide that I need to free up some gigabytes of storage, I let the choir sing, echoing in a long, empty hall. I share, I laugh, I sob, and end up alone. I get even more hurt waking up to find out that the people I thought I could trust decided I was too much and completely deleted a relationship like it was nothing. Like those years of laughs and hugs was all for nothing. Like my honesty was some kind of contagious disease people needed to protect themselves from.


I just want to be like everyone else who has these struggles but can maintain friendships. What is wrong with me? Was there just some unspoken guideline everyone else got at the beginning of adulthood that never got updated for me? I really want to tell others how I’m doing but it’s nice having people to text and I don’t want my phone to go dry again. Please, I just need someone to tell me what the fuck I should do so this doesn’t dissolve once more.

“…… [chat gpt generating a response].”


Naa Asheley Ashitey is a Chicago-born writer and MD–PhD candidate at the University of Wisconsin–Madison. A first-generation, low-income Ghanaian-American and University of Chicago alumna, she writes at the intersection of race, medicine, and belonging.

Her creative and editorial writing examines how policy, media, and academia reproduce structural violence—and what it means to resist with truth.

Her creative work appears or is forthcoming in Eunoia Review, BULL, Hobart, Michigan City Review of Books, and editorials for The Xylom, MedPage Today and KevinMD. She has been nominated for multiple awards, including Best Small Fiction. More at NaaAshitey.com.


Twitter/Instagram: @foreverasheley
Bluesky: @foreverasheley.bsky.social

Categories
Across the Wire Vol. 7

Alternatives

By Jenn Salcido 

The DJ has just started a new job on a new radio station that plays Tori Amos and makes people in the small town very angry. 

The reporter lives in the small town and has noticed that the radio is playing Tori Amos instead of oldies. 

One of the things the DJ likes about the radio station is how he simply projects into cars and rooms he will never see if he doesn’t want to, which mostly he does not. 

The reporter clandestinely listens to him in one of these rooms. It is the Computer Room. The reporter is 14. 

#

The DJ lives in one of those townhome developments off the highway. He doesn’t yet know anybody in town, and his life is a vector between his townhome and the station. He is a little lonely but mostly fine. 

The reporter lives in a different development on the other side of town, one that is lush with sodded bluegrass carpets and Bartlett pear trees that shower rubbery leaves all over the damp sidewalk on days like today. 

The reporter’s parents have taken the modem from the Computer Room. I hate them, she thinks. 

Across town the DJ is cozy at work in the studio, sipping herbal tea between the different little on-air bits he does. “Hey, I’m The Oracle and that was Tori Amos, of course, with ‘Crucify.’” 

The DJ likes that record but honestly he’s a little pissed off about the new mandate he’s gotten from the media conglomerate who bought the station. He looks with disdain at the printout that lists the mandatory top 25 rotation, all of which he must fit in “organically” during his slot. “And next up? We’ve got Suzanne Vega with ‘Tom’s Diner.’” 

The reporter comes home and stomps up to her room and turns on her radio and she is SO HAPPY when she hears “Tom’s Diner.”

The DJ looks at his watch and is worried that if he doesn’t have enough time left to get through the mandatory top 25 rotation, he’ll get put on DJ probation. This would not be good; it has happened to him once before. In that case he was simply reading a public service announcement and made some unfortunate flourishes with language that were not appropriate for the time of day. 

The reporter is pacing around her room, thinking about all the instant messaging she could be doing were the modem not in modem jail. Recently, she has obtained an internet boyfriend and is now more eager even than usual to hear that clickity clack static and the “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!” 

Sometimes when her father wants to make her angry he teases her by announcing “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!” whenever he enters a room.

#

After school the next day the reporter comes home to find that her parents have relented and the modem is plugged back in. No one is home to tell her otherwise so she logs in, finds no mail, clicks around a bit. 

Inspired by her growing stack of SPIN magazines, she has started to make her own website, accessible via the World Wide Web. She has figured out that she can make Word documents and save them as .html files. She likes trying out different backgrounds. She has learned how to loop an image over and over and over. She can, for example, make a page with a background that looks like stars in an infinitely scrolling sky. It’s hard to read the writing on that particular background, though. 

Once she has her home page arranged enough, she opens her email and writes the DJ. He is going to be the first interview for her new online magazine on the World Wide Web.

#

The DJ wakes up to start his Saturday, and feels the paunch of middle age sliding down his hips when he gets up from the couch. He thinks he should start exercising soon, probably. He lights a cigarette and gets coffee going. 

He goes over to the computer and logs in. “WELCOME! YOU’VE GOT MAIL!” 

TheOracle107@aol.com clicks on his inbox. He skims the subject lines, deletes some scams. There is a note from an address he hasn’t seen before. He opens the email. 

Dear Mr. The Oracle, I am looking to interview respected figures in music culture for my magazine. I really enjoy listening to your show and have found a lot of my favorite artists because of you. Do you think I can interview you? We can do this over IM. Respectfully, Laurel M.” 

He cackles. Dear Mr. The Oracle! 

“Sure,” he writes the reporter. “Call me Dave, though. IM is fine. I’m around today.”

Sent. Whoosh. 

“YOU’VE GOT MAIL!” comes the call to the reporter’s post in the computer room. After she opens her mailbox and reads the note, she checks and sees that TheOracle107 is online! 

“Hey,” she types into the void. 

“Hi,” the DJ answers back. 

They get to talking. The morning zips by. The reporter’s questions are a bit timid. The DJ imagines she’s maybe just out of college, doing her first internship at a radio station somewhere. 

The reporter cannot believe her luck. What a coup for the first issue. 

They chat for a while, mostly about the music itself but a little about themselves, what they like, what movies they’re watching lately. The flow of their rapport makes the DJ relax a little bit too much and he catches himself complaining about work, about how that’s changed. He realizes he’s holding his breath when he thinks about that. 

After the conversation winds down, the reporter copies and pastes the chat transcript into a Word doc, which she plans to edit later. 

The reporter asks the DJ if he has a bio. 

“Sure,” he types. “All celebrity DJs do.” 

#

Later that night, the reporter is still situated in the Computer Room when she hears the shrill demand for her to appear at the dinner table “right this minute.” She complies.

“I will take this to go,” she says, grabbing the Schwann’s breaded chicken patty with rice pilaf accoutrement. “I am working.”

Back in the Computer Room, enraptured by the sallow light of the cathode ray tube, the reporter can feel a piece of herself float up from the top of her head and dissipate into a realm that knows neither time nor space. This piece bears little relation to the crepuscular creature in the chair. 

She opens the 30 second sample clip of “I’ll Be There For You” by the Rembrandts that she downloaded and plays it a few times in a row.

The DJ is alone again in his apartment. I should try harder to make friends, he thinks. Instead, he makes his way to his desktop and clicks the icon. 

“WELCOME!”

There is always a little pause between the welcome and the announcement of mail. In this pause, hopes and dreams are made and crushed; the reporter knows this as well, if not better, than the DJ. The reporter is in the throes of a full-blown internet addiction, whereas the DJ is just a bit bored. 

The DJ has no mail, but  sees the reporter’s handle in the chat box. 

The reporter is busily typing a very long-winded fiction to her internet boyfriend about her daily activities. In the fiction, she has been invited to a party, and she’s going to the mall with some friends to pick out an outfit. It’s hard sometimes to keep the reality from straining into the fiction, especially when she’s nearing the time of day when she has to shut everything down and prepare for the next morning. The mornings are firmly grounded in a horrible reality, with no room for the fiction. 

Because she is no dummy, she also includes a critique of a long, old book she has not read. 

Satisfied and clicking “send,” she is surprised when she sees a new window, an invitation to converse with Mr. The Oracle. 

“Hey!” she writes. 

“Sorry to bug.”

“Not bugging.” 

“Wondering if you needed anything else. For the magazine.” 

“Hmmm I haven’t really finished the article just yet. Been really busy at work.” 

The reporter re-enters her body. Her eyes flash around the room, as if some source of information could possibly leak details of her appearance or her life through IM.

“Oh yeah cool cool,” he says. 

The DJ thinks he sounds dull. Why does he care? 

“I’m really close though, like going to finish it soon. It’ll be great.” 

“Yeah.” 

“How are you? Are you doing well, or are you also staring directly into the meaningless nothing?” 

He laughs, out loud, at that, and starts typing again. 

#

For a few days in a row now, the reporter has been corresponding with the DJ in short bursts on instant message. They haven’t gone too deep on any one thing; mostly she talks to him about music she likes. She gets some recommendations from him and tells him a few lies to make her reading life sound smart. 

She tells him about how, at Circuit City, she sometimes hides CDs in the wrong alphabetical order so that they will be there the next time she comes, and that is when he asks her: “Do you want to grab a drink?” 

She blinks. 

Her cheeks redden. Even though she knows the doors are closed, she looks over her shoulder. She is smart! She is desirable! She is, as her internet boyfriend told her while they were having “cyber” yesterday, “so sexy.” The DJ wants to go get a drink with her. 

Don’t worry. This is not that kind of story. 

Her mind doesn’t go to the after school special place where older men take advantage of girls, kidnapping them from sleepy midwestern towns and making them their slaves in some creepy cabin in the woods. She’s not even thinking about age at all, or questioning the DJ’s motives, or remembering that she’s been frequently told she comes off as older and more mature in her writing. 

Instead, her thoughts go to a different place, a softer place. There is heat there, and she feels some possibilities opening up to her that she’d never before considered. In her life, there is an unbreakable wall that separates her from the notions of desire, and from being desired. In her internet life, she is the recipient of genuine feelings from her internet boyfriend, and also she begins to inhabit the life that she projects to him. When she wakes up in the morning, there is a small, clouded window of time when she is no longer inhabiting her life, but her other life, and her other life is exactly how she wants it. 

When her internet boyfriend ::leans in and plays gently with hair::, she feels the flutters in her heart that all the adult contemporary radio programming has promised there would be. 

She feels that finally, here in the other space, she has become desired, desirable. 

“Soooo ummmm” she types, and adds a smiley face with a nose, which seems less flirtatious than the smiley face without the nose. “I have a boyfriend actually, sorry.” 

Across town, the DJ is listening to the new Soundgarden record and flipping between windows of his web browser when he registers the sound of her response. He had gotten deep into a Usenet forum rabbit hole and had totally forgotten he had offered the reporter a date. 

It bloops again. “Sorry, r u mad?” 

“Oh no haha all good,” he assures her, then closes the window. 

Jenn Salcido is a writer from Los Angeles. Her short fiction has appeared in Vlad Mag, Zac Smith’s Chrismzine, X-R-A-Y, JAKE, and Back Patio Press. You can read her work at www.jennsalcido.com

X: @jenneralist

Categories
Across the Wire Vol. 7

The Fifth Hit

by Tyler Plofker

September 2, 2026

Robert D. Manfred Jr., Commissioner

The Office of the Commissioner of Baseball

1271 Avenue of the Americas

New York, NY, 10020

Dear Mr. Robert Manfred,

I hope you and your family are well and looking forward to the Labor Day weekend. The sun is so warm this time of year. This is Jimmy Granes of the Baltimore Orioles. The reason for this letter is to apprise you of my efforts in identifying the Fifth Hit. I hope you will be patient with me; I do not want to leave anything out or anything unclear.

Being a student of the game yourself, you will recall that during Game 1 of the 1886 World’s Championship Series, Chicago White Stockings’ cleanup hitter Fred “Dandelion” Pfeffer was thrown out at second base trying to stretch his RBI single into a double. It is my contention that Pfeffer’s mistake was not an unintentional baserunning blunder, but rather, the first public attempt at finding the Fifth Hit. Before Game 7 of the 1925 World Series between the Washington Senators and the Pittsburgh Pirates, the infield dirt was doused in gasoline and set on fire; ostensibly to dry the rain-soaked diamond, however, contemporaneous records paint a different picture. The diary entry of William McKeen (second-in-command groundskeeper) for October 15th, 1925, reads simply, “It did not work.” Again and again, these trials show up. Aparicio’s fall at third. Germany Schaefer and his steals of first. Manny being Manny? More accurately, in my view: Manny being an astute and diligent investigator of the Fifth Hit.

Single, Double, Triple, Homerun. Single, Double, Triple, Homerun. When did the thought of a fifth emerge? Infielder Mike McGeary and Third Baseman Warren White’s letter correspondence from the years 1885–1891 provides the earliest written evidence. McGeary writes of his ideas (“[A] plump Belgian Draught, salivating on an autumn day”) and White gives his own. McGeary rails against the fools who accuse him of “game-fixing.” White writes, “Time is no longer of a benefit to us.” I have seen these letters, have been allowed to study them through the goodwill of their descendants. White’s great-great-great-grandson, Paul, is a fabulous baker, a wonderful baker; the man can really bake.

In the 1930s, there were a number of ballplayers—dimwits, morons—who argued that the Fifth Hit was merely an inside-the-park homerun; i.e., that the homerun can and must be separated into inside-the-park and outside-the-park and, therefore, five hits. But this was rightfully and forcefully mocked by their successors, and is clearly absurd—inside-the-park and outside-the-park are two different manifestations of one kind of hit, in the same way as one can have a ground-rule double and a traditional double, or a single and a bunt single. These are different flavors of the hit they correspond to, not entirely new ones. Dobermanns and Shih Tzu are both types of dogs. I am sure you agree, Mr. Manfred.

I learned of all of this—though unconsciously, I feel it must have been with me from the start, from the very beginning—only this past off-season. Reading Christy Mathewson’s 1912 baseball history/instruction manual/collection of anecdotes, “Pitching in a Pinch; Or, Baseball from the Inside,” I was struck by this passage:

Then Lobert, the tantalizing Teuton with the bow-legs, whacked out a home run into the left-field bleachers and slowed at third with a mocking smile on his face which would have gotten the late Job’s goat. You would have thought he’d done something more than knock a four-bagger.

“[S]omething more than knock a four-bagger.”

From there, I simply followed the thread. Clear on the history, from the first day of this year’s spring training, I began.

I have attempted more than could possibly be listed here. I have concluded a triple by springing up on my left foot and then striking the base with the intermediate phalanx of my right pinky. I have—and I’m sure you’ve seen the footage—I have hit a bouncing single up the middle and marched, half-step, straight from the bag to the bleachers in center, pulling up my uniform, revealing my pale belly, slapping it as if a dholak drum. I have hit a smoking line drive while visualizing the preposterous mustache of Dr. Thomas Wang (more on the languid doctor later). I have smashed (absolutely barreled) balls with all manner of things in my mouth. A grape. A roofing nail. A hornet. One night, with no one else in the ballpark, I sliced a ball down the line, slid prone into second base, and slowly and meticulously gyrated my groin against it until fruition; but, while a pleasurable double, the hit remained, no less and no more, a double.

Once, on an off day, I thought I found it in the maneuvers of a gas station attendant. I had hit what appeared to be an infield single the day before—could every moment since then, every step and every breath, the shoveled putout in the bottom of the inning, the bumper-to-bumper drive home, the morning coffee with too much Sweet’n Low, could it all have been part of it, part of the Fifth Hit which had now just ended with my gas station attendant, a Mr. Francisco Marcello Capionne—whose hair leaves a lot to be desired—a Mr. Francisco Marcello Capionne, jiggling the aluminum nozzle free, letting the gasoline drip and drip and drip onto the back wheel of my 2024 Lincoln Navigator? But the thought left me as quickly as it came. No, not this time. I paid the man in banknotes.

You know, of course, that I am slashing .314/.427/.658, good for a 193 wRC+, Mr. Robert Manfred? I am leading the league in fWAR by a two-win margin. Over the last three seasons combined, I have accrued almost 28% more value than the man behind me. This is to say: the manager lets me do what I want. Old Tony Mansolino does not believe, but he does not stop me. “Keep it mostly in blowouts,” he says. “I’ll try, skip,” I say, winking. Yesterday I licked home plate clean.

Sometimes I have doubts. Sometimes I wallow. Sometimes the thought pops into my head that this life is nothing but an inexhaustible maze of horrors. But then I remember Mike McGeary’s 28th letter to Warren White, McGeary’s 28th letter to White in which he states, “I know it in its absence.”

In the 17th chapter of the first Book of Samuel it is written, “And he took his staff in his hand, and chose him five smooth stones out of the brook, and put them in a shepherd’s bag which he had, even in a scrip; and his sling was in his hand: and he drew near to the Philistine.” Plato claims the five regular polyhedra—tetrahedron, hexahedron, octahedron, icosahedron, dodecahedron—to be the fundamental building blocks of the physical world. The Hadith enumerate five distinct pillars of Islam. The Pandava brothers (Yudhishthira, Bhima, Arjuna, Nakula, Sahadeva) of the Mahabharata number five. The Fir Bolg chieftains of the Lebor Gabála Érenn number five. Celestial mechanics describes five points, referred to as Lagrange points, where the gravitational pull and centripetal force between any celestial masses are necessarily and always in perfect equilibrium. There are five basic human senses. Five fingers to a hand, five toes to a foot. The Five Holy Wounds of Christ.

Let us not beat around the bush any longer, my esteemed, handsome, well-groomed friend. Let us put all the marbles from the bag onto the end table. The fact is this: My languid, hilariously-mustachioed Dr. Thomas Wang, he of the curled, trembling upper lip and eyes like golden rubies, told me a week ago what I already knew: I am dying. My pancreas is not cooperating with the rest of my body. My remaining time is best denominated in months. You, as such an intelligent baseball man, Mr. Manfred, may have noticed the 193 wRC+ mentioned above, while exceptional, is a whopping 34 points lesser than what I was running as of the end of July. My production will continue to dip and soon I will no longer be able to play; soon I will be counting scuffs on the ceiling and my only hits will be into the bedpan. 

Really, this letter is not a briefing; it is a request. If I do not find the Fifth Hit in my dwindling inhales—and I may not, I have no doubt I may not—this letter is a request. Open the fields, Mr. Robert Manfred. Open the fields. That is my request. Fields across this great, lush, green country; men and women and children swinging, experimenting. Making the rules up as they go. New rules no one has ever thought of and old ones no one is left to remember. Thousands and thousands of baseball diamonds, at every school, at every campground, at every workplace. At every prison and every hospital courtyard. In the abandoned alley behind P.S. 112 and in the middle of the White House South Lawn. Long-tressed women snorkeling in Chesapeake Bay. Maybe there is a horseshoe crab. Men of all sizes giving yellow-throated birds something nice. Perhaps a small bear filled with sand. Young girls eating cotton candy through their nose and wiggling out their last baby tooth, tossing it, hitting it real good alright with a metal bat. Little boys hopped up on Shirley Temples, so many Shirley Temples, outrageously above any reasonable serving size recommendation of Shirley Temples, jitterbugging wild to Songs of the North American Bullfrog. A film projector that doesn’t work well. Big-time scrapes, thorn bites left unbandaged. Pencils. Become the commissioner of the Fifth Hit, Mr. Robert Manfred, help us find it. It will require a great deal of funding, I understand. I understand that. Start at the top. Reach out to the President. If the fool can get but one thing right, let it be this. And if he refuses, turn to local government, private money. Problems there, then turn to the charity and the goodwill of the people. The people, Mr. Manfred. Get the funds however you must and build. If you don’t want to admit what the push is for, that is okay. If you don’t think the public is ready for that, that is alright. Just say the initiative is to “grow the game” or to “positively impact health.” The people will understand, intuitively, what needs to be done. You, Mr. Robert Manfred, born into a family of five—mother, father, brother, sister, and you, born a boy and now the commissioner of the Major Leagues—you, Mr. Robert Manfred, know that better than anybody.

Grass is something to smell. The sun is so warm this time of year.

With love and sincerely yours,

Jimmy Granes

Tyler Plofker is a writer in NYC.

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Across the Wire Vol. 7

Two Stories

by Kent Kosack

Zuidema

When I was a kid, David Zuidema would pump our septic tank. Each lawn in our neighborhood had a container full of sewage buried in it. He told my mother to get my sisters to stop taking such long showers. Said they were making him rich. But they never stopped. Teenage girls have needs that younger brothers and the septic tank man can’t fathom. I took normal-length showers. I liked to stand under the red heat bulb recessed into the ceiling. It felt like a second sun up there. Maybe that’s how God feels to His faithful. I don’t know. I’m not religious. But it’s cold where I’m standing now, and I want to believe in something.

Quantum Leap

My sister is visiting for Thanksgiving. My girlfriend C. is drunk but managing. I put in the Quantum Leap DVD I borrowed from the library. Sam leaps through time, righting historical wrongs. My sister and I watched it as kids. The house has all the right smells. Turkey. Stuffing. Various casseroles. C. is drunker. Rambling and scattered. She thinks she’s charming. My sister eyes C., me, asking a question too complicated to answer. We watch one episode, another. We think about leaping through time. Think about fixing our lives. We’re on the edge of our seats. A crashing sound from the kitchen. C. swears. Fumbles with something. We miss the parade. The dog show. The football games. Miss all that might have been. I put in the next DVD.

Kent Kosack is a writer with work forthcoming in Subtle Body Press, the Heavy Feather Review, Magazine1, L’Esprit Literary Review, and 3:AM Magazine. You can find some of his essays, reviews, and short fiction at kentkosack.net

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Across the Wire Vol. 7

Archie Cruz and the Bridge to the End of the World

By Albert Rodríguez

Archie Cruz moved from Greenwich Village to Williamsburg, then from Williamsburg to Bushwick, and eventually to Fort Lee.  Each relocation felt less like a move than a gradual subsiding, a slow fizzing-out, like champagne left open overnight.

The retreat hadn’t been entirely voluntary. Archie had worked in finance, living by the old grammar of ratios and balance sheets, the faith that hid in the small, haunted pauses between trend lines. He’d built his career the traditional way—patiently, with a restraint that now seemed almost anachronistic. In the altered order of things, this steadiness passed for a defect.

Artificial intelligence arrived with a different tempo. It came into the world like a polished guest at an overcrowded party, fluent and ingratiating. It charmed executives, soothed analysts, and slipped into Archie’s chair without ever needing to announce itself. What others welcomed as innovation looked like a form of extinction—a quiet undoing of human sovereignty.

Archie was replaced suddenly and with a kind of surgical neatness, the way a tiger removes the throat from its prey. The machines hadn’t seized the world; they’d been invited in, settled at our desks as if we’d always suspected we were an interim species and deserved to be replaced.

For a time, Archie’s unimpeachable reputation kept him afloat. The company offered a new title, a new set of responsibilities—a gesture of continuity more than anything else. He was to “oversee” the machines, a phrase that carried its own quiet joke. Human oversight, they called it, though the term made him wince. What he actually did was stand guard over the forces responsible for his disappearance. The euphemism of the day was that he provided a human touch, though everyone knew that the only thing a person could reliably add was delay and the occasional mistake.

His presence functioned less as labor than as sentiment, a ceremonial remnant of the old order.

The demotions came for others with the steady rhythm of tides. Titles dissolved, duties floated away, offices migrated without explanation. The structure of his career thinned out, until finally he resembled a forgotten filing cabinet someone had neglected to push to the curb.

Then came the call. A short meeting. Polite regret. No hard feelings. And with that, he was dismissed—sent out to pasture with the gentleness reserved for things no longer needed.

After that, Archie drifted—lightly, almost politely—toward the edge of his own life. Later he would say it was the closest he’d ever come to despair. For most of his adulthood he had moved through the world in a confident stupor, buoyed by the unexamined belief that things, in the broad run of time, would work out. He had been, in the plainest sense, a cheerful man.

The collapse of his career stripped his defenses. He lost his footing in stages. The absence of steady income, the fading prospect of marriage, the quiet death of the family he once imagined—all of it pressed on him in ways he couldn’t articulate, a set of blurred weights that made each day feel slightly narrower. The future no longer seemed indifferent; it felt adversarial.

His finances were pitiful. He had six, maybe eight months of rent in a savings account. After that, New York—his city, his arena—would cast him out. The odd jobs kept him afloat only in the way aspirin steadies a fever: briefly, symbolically. A delivery route for a week. A stint as a nightclub bouncer. Painting work in Kips Bay. None of it added up.

If he couldn’t find something that restored both solvency and a sense of self, he would be pushed to the perimeter of the map: Newark, Trenton, Bridgeport—places that felt less like destinations than sentences.

Now and then Archie caught himself making peace with his status as an exile—not only geographic, but existential. He wandered through ideological cul-de-sacs, dipped into digital subcultures devoted to grievance and squandered promise. At one point he even considered whether “incel” might be his new station in life, though the forums rejected him outright.

He was, they insisted, too fit, too credentialed, too conventionally presentable. Someone accused him of “aesthetic fraudulence.” He decided to take it as a compliment.

It was in this suspension between former usefulness and looming irrelevance that Archie met a new kind of sadness. And with that sadness came the bridge.

Late spring. The sunlight felt provisional, the air unsure of its own warmth. Archie left his apartment in Fort Lee and went for a run. It wasn’t fitness he was chasing but escape, the hope that motion might quiet the mind.

He usually avoided the George Washington Bridge. The vast steel colossus had a way of amplifying his darker thoughts. But on this afternoon he made an exception. The views, he told himself, were worth the risk.

Halfway across the bridge, shirt damp, breath thinning, he saw her—a woman gripping the rail, disheveled and trembling. For a moment he couldn’t tell whether she was resisting the drop or reaching for it.

His body acted before thought arrived. He pulled her back. They went down hard on the walkway.

The wind tangled her hair like ivy across her cheeks. She was beautiful. Her name was Mendi, an Ivy League graduate.

Later, over dinner, she tried to explain.

“I wasn’t trying to die. Not exactly. It felt like… something inside me stepped forward, and I couldn’t step with it.”

“Like you wanted to be near the edge, not past it.”

“Yes. Yes. God. Exactly. I wasn’t jumping—I was leaning. I just didn’t know how to step down.”

“Most people don’t.”

She watched him then, her eyes glassy yet alert.

“So what are you? A guardian angel in gym shorts?”

“No. Just unemployed.”

Her laugh burst out of her, small and sudden, like a hiccup of joy after a long illness.

In the weeks that followed she brought him fruit baskets, as though the debt of being pulled from the brink could be settled in kiwis and candied pecans. The deliveries grew increasingly ornate. 

One came with a note: Thank you for standing between me and the wind.

Archie Cruz began returning to the bridge. Not every day, not even with intention, but often enough that a ritual took shape. He stood there in the evenings, collar raised, keeping watch.

It surprised him how many others came. People approached the bridge the way some approach confession: not always to jump, but to take stock. Many resembled him—tired, decent-looking, strangely invisible. Former executives, displaced engineers, solitary figures with shoes too polished for the lives they were living. They weren’t there to die, not exactly. They were there to test the drop. To confirm its existence.

Archie spoke with them, first with clumsy concern, then with something steadier. He grew familiar with the signals: the twitching hands, the gaze slipping past the skyline, the unnerving quiet that seemed to detach from the person producing it. Listening became its own discipline.

In time he constructed an education for himself. He read late into the night, studied case files, took online courses in crisis intervention. Slowly, almost accidentally, he became a presence on the bridge—a secular priest tending to the threshold. He talked to people on the verge of their own disappearance, coaxing them back toward the ordinary daylight of their lives.

He never accepted a payment. The work was compensated in another currency, one that renewed something in him that the world had written down to zero.

Inadvertently, Archie Cruz had stumbled into a vocation. He grew so skilled at talking people back from the edge that a magazine sent a reporter to profile him. Soon he was a local hero. A television crew followed, filming him in winter light as he walked the length of the bridge.

The story kept expanding. The mayor presented him with a ceremonial key. A billionaire, stirred by his improbable compassion, offered several million dollars to help Archie establish an institute to study and counter the social fallout of the AI revolution.

The institute evolved into a foundation. Then came a Time Magazine profile. After that, the opportunities  multiplied. Through it all, Archie carried himself as though he were only incidentally involved in his own success, standing a little offstage, bemused by the spectacle. He considered himself fortunate, knowing that others had not been so lucky.

Archie and Mendi married in a small ceremony overlooking the Hudson, their vows composed not of promises but of recognition. In the farmhouse they bought upriver, they grew tomatoes and raised daughters. This, he felt, was the one certainty he could hold without reservation: his loyalty to his family. Everything beyond that—the weather of the future—remained unstable, a rumor of a world still waiting for its proper name.

He never entered politics, though overtures came. The notion of campaigning struck him as faintly indecent. Instead, he finished his PhD and began teaching at NYU, offering courses on social entrepreneurship and the ethics of intervention. For him these subjects were not abstractions but continuations of the work that had reshaped his life.

Students adored him. In their online reviews they mentioned his quiet voice, his understated humor, and the sense that he was a modern prophet pointing the way forward.

Once, a perceptive student asked him what had saved him at the bridge. Archie paused, as if testing the question for sincerity.

“Nothing saved me,” he said. “I just kept showing up.”

Albert Rodríguez is a Brooklyn-based emerging writer whose fiction has appeared in Litro Magazine USA, Five on the Fifth, White Wall Review, Platform Review, Across the Margin, Mr. BULL BULL, Modern Literature, INK Pantry, Literally Stories, and other outlets. A graduate of Borough of Manhattan Community College, he draws on his years working as a handyman in Manhattan’s historic buildings, a vantage that continues to shape the texture and temperament of his work.

Categories
Across the Wire Vol. 7

Significance

by Frank Carellini

He was sure the banging outside his door was one of those dreams within a dream. He had planned too diligently to get a full night’s sleep: the last coffee of the day before two PM, a six PM dinner with low acids, an eight PM wine, a double dose of the sleeping medication at ten and, an hour before swallowing little pill after little pill, abstaining from any screens, even for telling time, which he substituted by getting up from bed to squint at the little green numbers ticking away on the microwave until it was ten-thirty, by which time the medication would move everything into a slow motion frame and put him to rest. 

He resisted the urge to lay down at eight-thirty after the tipsiness of the large glass of barolo began to lull the room around him into one giant warm velvet curtain by reading a light novel that required little work and was in the category he regarded as entertaining but not informative. His eyes burned when they closed and opened in slower and slower intervals, but he resisted until he urinated at least twice more, not wanting to be woken up by the urge to pee until at least five AM, from which he could slowly start the day in the bronze, purple dawn of the morning and set the coffee maker to brew a bold, rich, perfectly opaque cup. 

He settled under the covers, with the automatic temperature controls set to a perfect sixty-eight degrees of a hotel room. The coolness of the linen envelope him. He put on the satin eye mask from the luxury airline he used to fly back and forth to Paris, where in his second home, he drew the curtains at six AM with a strong dark tea, and would run along the Seine until the museums opened and he could be first in line to say hello to Monet in the l’Orangerie, accompanied, of course, with the complete Das wohltemperierte Klavier through his noise canceling headphones. Would listen to completion day after day, until his stomach called for a meal, until autumn called him back to New York, where by five PM or so the sun already set. 

It would’ve hardly been possible that anything outside of an earthquake, which didn’t occur here, would wake him up. The noise continued for a few moments. Was that the trash compactor? What, he thought, could possibly be the significance of the trash compactor activating in his dream. A trash-like smell of leftover meals floated into his room. Dr. Stevenson had warned that vivid lucid dreams could be a side effect of the medication, which he welcomed as they occasionally inspired a small painting he could make while sitting on his window ledge, using the period of uninterrupted natural light between one and three PM in the afternoon, and kept him busy even if they would never be seen in a gallery, but could be given as unsolicited gifts to the doormen or the women he encountered in cafes who had not heard of his writing. The trash compactor continued to chew, now accompanied by the opening and closing of an apartment door, letting out a whirl of clanking champagne glasses and boisterous, inaudible bursts of conversations. A party? Which hardly would occur without him having known about it or at least being alerted to it on courtesy. Usually, he’d find a cream-colored envelope regrettably, but kindly, informing him of a soiree with a live musician from the Juilliard school hosted to play Chopin’s Nocturnes, all of them, on the baby grand piano that occupied its very own room in the four-bedroom penthouse that sat across from his studio. He was welcomed if he wanted, but they knew he preferred Schubert to Chopin when it came to nocturnes, an irreconcilable difference that had caused him to clamor with zest at the first party such that he spilled red wine onto the white coat of the mr. host, and since had received the cream-colored envelopes informing him of the parties, rather than the ultramarine ones inviting him. It continued to clap, the trash compactor, for what must have been half an hour, which of course in the dream could have been only a few minutes or several hours, he forgets which way it goes, and of course may not have been the trash compactor at all, but some nightmare of Chopin being chopped into clunks by a Juilliard student, which was a possible side effect of the double dose of medication.

In this part of the dream, he rose from the bed naked and watched his shadow splay on the ochre floor, fast like a demon, as he drifted across the room to get his computer, which according to Dr. Stevenson should sit on the opposite end of the room when it was time to sleep as the new studies showed that a ten foot radius from anything electronic was best for full REM recovery, a discovery by one of the billionaires investing in living forever. The night mode of his screen shed a mild yellow light around him in an abbreviated aura that lit the upper half of his body. He searched for a while about the significance of trash in dreams, coming to some conclusion or the other that it had to do with cleaning up, cleansing, resetting, a perfect premise for a perfect night’ sleep. Reassured, he went back to sleep in his dream, watching the shadows of fanciful animals cast by the WiFi router sprint across the ceiling, counting them one by one. 

In the next dream, he woke around midnight.This time it was his door. What is the significance of that, he wondered. Squinting through the eyehole, a man in a short beanie cap and round glasses peered inward. He had seen this man before, a patient of Dr. Stevenson’s, buzzing into the apartment directly next to his. The man must have been having another late-night episode. Wrong door, he whispered from inside, as the door began to visibly shake with each knock, as if it was going to shatter. Hadn’t the resident manager received his note about Dr. Stevenson’s patients visiting outside business hours? It hardly felt appropriate. This was a home, after all. Perhaps in the dream, he hadn’t yet written the request to the resident manager. He found his phone, buried in the drawer and unlocked it through one squinting eye and a hand partially shading himself from the brightly lit background of his self-portrait on top of the white snowy mountain, a photo chock-full of symbolism. He drafted the email, sent around one AM, and received an immediate automatic reply that the request would be addressed within business hours starting Monday at nine AM, and if it was an emergency to please dial 9-1-1.

He laid back in bed, squarely into the four plump pillows, which again surrounded him in coolness. This was refreshing. Hadn’t Dr. Stevenson told him no scrolling? Oops, didn’t even realize he took his phone to bed. The medication had worn off, and a warm sweat began to displace the coolness around his body, which we refreshed in intervals by rolling side to side. Scrolled through the new videos that had been posted since yesterday evening. Oh wow, hadn’t seen that comedian in a long time, thought he was a goner. He propped the computer up on his knees and watched the old comedian’s new routine, letting out little laughs in bubble-like exhales. Through one of the three tall windows, a bright white light blared. That goddamn neighbor again, doing whatever he does on that big computer all hours of the night. Doesn’t this guy ever stop? Hardly a neighbor, as he didn’t live in this building, but the newer apartment one building over. It was one of those modern ones like a sideways shipping container. He stepped onto the window ledge, like a model in some sort of display window and banged against the glass naked, his body swinging in motion to get the attention of the neighbor who sat in a headset back in a chair with a video game controller. A woman in a bra and underwear came and went in the background, making eye contact with his fully naked body, dodging away and yelling to the man from behind the wall, directing his eye contact upward towards the window. Dr. Stevenson knocked at the door. He just got a call from the resident manager. You promised me no more nude flashes if I prescribed the sleeping meds, he called from right outside the room. His shadow dissipated as he walked away. He let out a little laugh. Dr. Stevenson said sometimes he would make an appearance in these dreams, but not to take it at face-value. Don’t forget to have some fun, it’s just a dream, right? A thump thundered from under him. What, had the floor below him been turned into a nightclub? It blurted out in bursts of bass-heavy thumping. He hadn’t danced in a while. Have some fun, he thought, feeling the house music thud on his spine. Dr. Stevenson had reminded him to now and again throw in a boogie or twist. Ah, that’s right, he mouthed, wiggling his body in bed to the ambiguous thump that seemed to shake the walls into a rhythm. This vibrated his body and its associated shadows against the wall cast by the WiFi router, and then subsided. The sheets became cool again. That was refreshing. A cream-colored envelope slid beneath the door. Tonight, he was informed, regrettably but kindly, of a reading by Flaubert. Well, that didn’t make any sense, he thought. He wasn’t in Paris until spring.

Frank Carellini was born in Connecticut in 1993.

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Across the Wire Vol. 7

Holy Oral History

By Brooks Egerton

Last time I heard from God, he started reminiscing about the kinks of the early Franciscans. Hang tight, buddy, I said, hang tight, let me grab my recorder. By the time I got back to the phone with it, he was chuckling about a couple of characters named Hansel and Gertrud. Here’s the transcript of his monologue:

This was in January of 1299, or maybe 1300, in Vienna. A medieval backwater then. He was a monk — cute boy, wise beyond his years, but hormonally still very much a teenager. She lived near his church with other beguines — a supposedly celibate community of women, bundled up in ridiculous habits like nuns, but with no permanent vows, no obedience to anyone up the Catholic food chain. A pope soon tried to squash them, of course. She was in her mid-fifties. Gaunt and feisty. Old enough to be his grandmother.

Hansel wasn’t a priest yet, so he couldn’t hear confessions. Not that Gertrud was seeking to confess. What burdened her mind were visions, not sins. The older monks had grown awfully weary of her. Some questioned her sanity, especially when she reported seeing licentious clerics shrieking in a pit of brimstone. That sort of thing. Hansel, however, was intrigued. And an excellent listener. We should all be so fortunate as to know a Hansel.

Now, Gertrud didn’t just want a sympathetic ear. She wanted to leave a record of her sojourn upon the earth. But she couldn’t write. Most people couldn’t, women especially. So he became her scribe. They’d made significant progress toward completing a manuscript when her nerve seemed to fail. Then she sent word that she was ready to try again, which led to this scene:

Hansel is reaching into the embers of a fireplace, clutching a thick beeswax candle like his most beloved body part. He lights the wick, impales that meager cure for darkness on a pricket, puts it on the dank room’s one table. Now he adjusts his mud-brown robe and sinks to his knees. Dear Lord, he tells me, gazing at the crucifix on the wall as if it were more than an object, I know I am unworthy even to speak your name, but nonetheless I beg you, please, extend your mercy to the virgin Gertrud, give her strength to endure her weakness, weakness to temper her strength. And dear Lord, guide my hand today so that what I set down will be pleasing to you, and true to what the sister at last may tell me of your son. Amen. 

He’s crossing himself when there comes a rapping on the door. Who is it? he asks, although he knows. Without answering she glides in. And they carry on like this:

O Sister.

O Brother.

Thank you for returning.

Thank the Lord for giving me another hour of life.

My God and my all, Hansel says. He lays a log on the fire, motions to a chair, takes the one opposite. Their dark eyes meet. He opens an enormous book with his left hand, and with his right dips a goose feather into an inkwell. Silently she begins to weep. He offers no consolation, as he did at their last meeting. That had driven her away. Now he just starts writing about the tears.

Fear not! Gertrud almost shouts, raising her bony hands from beneath the table, squeezing them together and then wiping her cheeks. Fear not! That is what the Lord our God told me.

He spoke to you? the monk asks, looking up wide-eyed, even as his right hand races on across the page.

Yesterday, as I prayed. But he did not speak in words.

Is there some other way?

In love, she says, flashing a smile of pity that the kid doesn’t see. She waits for more questions, feeling freer to answer than to offer. He also waits, quill still moving. He already understands the power of silence, of discomfort.

A great rushing love, Gertrud says, the words fast and fierce and whispery. Rushing through every part of my body. Flooding me with heat and light, making me shudder. 

[Not transcribed here are a tasteless crack I made about the Big O, and God’s rather stern request not to be interrupted again.]

It is this love that frees me to speak to you, the sister says.

Again she halts, again he waits.

No, it doesn’t free me, she says. It compels me.

And Hansel asks, Have you experienced this rushing before?

No, she says, then takes a vast breath before continuing. But ever since I was a young girl, a lowly peasant’s daughter in a world of reeking muck, I have cried joyously and inconsolably as the feast of the circumcision approaches. I cannot eat, I cannot sleep. All these years. It never changes.

Another burst of weeping and wiping ensues. 

I’ve always pictured the blood, she says upon resuming, the blood our blessed savior spilled for us not during the Passion but on his eighth day outside the blessed womb. The blood, the blade, the screaming baby. A scarlet prophecy. Last week, though, when I went to mass on the feast day — here she closes her eyes and opens her mouth wide, as if to reenact the ritual. Then her hands cover her face.

Hansel catches up on his writing, taking his time. Finishes, fidgets, eventually feels unable to outwait her again. What happened, Sister? 

Gertrud drops her hands back to her lap and says, As I knelt before the priest and he brought the host toward my face, my mind’s eye beheld nothing but Christ’s severed flesh. Washed clean now. Anointed with oil. I closed my mouth and walked away, without receiving the bread. Questions fell upon me like hailstones. What did Mary do with that tiny hood? Did it ascend alone to wait for her son, or did it go with him thirty-three years later? Could it properly join with the fully grown member? Will our Jesus be whole when he returns?

Did any answers come to you? 

Not in words. Nor in thoughts.

In love, then?

This is what I was most afraid to tell you. 

Fear not, Sister!

Fear not, Brother! The answer that came to me, as soon as I reached my room, was the holy foreskin itself.

You think you saw the true relic? Not just the image?

I felt it. Here, she says, touching her pale lips.

Oh my.

[another tasteless crack from me, another stern request from God]

And I knew I had to taste it. So sweet! Sweetness that could turn honey bitter with envy. Sweetness that could tame a forest full of wolves.

Now she leans her head back and howls. Isn’t the human imagination glorious? One of my greatest creations? Ah, but I digress. Hansel steals a glance at Gertrud, goes right on writing. His hand begins to tremble a touch.

Then I swallowed it, she says.

O my my my.

But soon it came back into my mouth, as sweet as before.

[another tasteless crack, another stern request]

O heavenly angels, he says, and right then a big log collapses in the fireplace. Sparks shower the hearth. Both of them look over, diverted only briefly.

So I swallowed again, she says. 

He stifles another exclamation, struggles just to keep his shaky right hand moving. His left hand, which has been on the table, slips below. For hopeless suppression purposes of its own.  Poor boy.

It went on and on like that, she says, growing moist herself — but accepting it, even enjoying it. On and on and on, she says.

How many times, do you think?

A hundred? she replies. A thousand? A hundred thousand?

Holy Virgin. Holy Virgin.

And gradually it grew. So it could join properly, I feel sure.

[tasteless crack, stern request]

Yet you still could swallow?

With no trouble. When I tried to touch it, alas, I could not. It always moved down my throat, out of reach.

O Sister, where is it now?

O Brother, I do not know. But by the following morning, it had left me. I fell into the deepest emptiness I’ve ever known. I lay on the floor for days, denied myself the bed. Finally I rose and reached for my cherished tool.

Here she does exactly that: pulls a leather sheath from a hidden pocket, slides out a knife. Caresses the edge. Slides it across the palm of her other hand, drawing several drops of blood. The monk stops writing, transfixed. If I were anyone other than God, I might well have held my breath.

I began to clean my teeth with this, Gertrud says, beholding the implement. I scraped out all manner of dead insects — flies, locusts, moths — and an angel’s voice said, Just as they sicken you, so your sadness sickens the savior.

  Yes! Hansel cries, grateful for the erection-melting effect of her story’s twist. Yes!

That revelation is what inspired my last visit to you, she says, when I couldn’t quite find my voice. So yesterday I prayed some more, prayed for the foreskin’s return, and lo, there it was, for one perfect moment, on my tongue. And with it came a message, Brother: that the Lord will grant you special blessings for your service to me, as well as the power to vanquish the darkest temptations. 

Amen, they say in unison. He puts down the quill. She puts down the knife. They join hands, her blood smearing his skin.

Jesus H. Christ, I said. And right then my recorder ran out of juice. Gotta go buy some batteries now, I told the big guy. Call me back whenever. He let out another of his divine chuckles and said something like, Let’s talk about the Jesuits next time, OK?

Brooks Egerton is the organizer of Sewanee Spoken Word.

Categories
Across the Wire Vol. 7

three work poems

by DS Maolalai

A Trip

I’m somewhere in Meath or Kildare with a man to assess an insurance claim.

we’re discussing the injury – somebody walking apparently tripped. 

the drain has been patched over since.

with cement to stop anyone tripping. 

he wants to know why, because that’s evidence.

I have nothing to say except “somebody tripped” so we look at the path and repairs. around us.

it’s a housing estate out in Newbridge and never not raining.

there’s guys up on ladders, clearing the gutters of caked-earth. 

Joe says hello and curses the damp in his gloves.

the insurance man doesn’t comment. 

he is no mystic – no mind toward the future. 

he jigsaws together what has already happened.

and who should have known it might. 

Solstice

standing in sunset

behind the brick back wall of maintenance dispatch

on saturday.

the motorbikes are stacked in the bay 

like teeth on an old five-comb. 

we take a minute

while the phones at our desks ring other emergencies,

and talk about what we would rather

be doing. 

matt offers cigarettes to each of the boys 

and to ciara.

I hurry one down. 

you can almost tell time by the shadows of buildings.

light between stones at a neolithic solstice

the staggered approach of shift-change.

An unpolished shoe

they work together 

carefully, cutting up weeds between cobble 

like surgeons attacking a tumour.

fresh, healthy sunburn has thickened their cheeks 

to something approaching the toe on an unpolished shoe. 

I meet them onsite – ask what they’ve done

and where they still have to get to.

I don’t like to criticise their work. 

they do it better than I ever could,

these healthy young immigrant men.

felipe’s getting married this summer. 

we have to find someone

to take over his round for the week.

DS Maolalai has been described by one editor as “a cosmopolitan poet” and another as “prolific, bordering on incontinent”. His work has been nominated fourteen times for BOTN, ten for the Pushcart and once for the Forward Prize, and released in three collections; “Love is Breaking Plates in the Garden” (Encircle Press, 2016), “Sad Havoc Among the Birds” (Turas Press, 2019) and “Noble Rot” (Turas Press, 2022)

Categories
Across the Wire Vol. 7

Blue Shines Through

By Sophia Krich-Brinton

I noticed it the night my first child was born. I was nursing her, in awe of her tiny hands, my stomach rumbling but no food in reach, when I realized I could see the blue hospital blanket right through my fingers. 

Turning my hand forward and back I could see bones, muscles, tendons, and beyond, the blue patterned blanket. 

It wasn’t clear like glass. More like an early morning mist, so thick you can only see rooftops, the hint of a window, but you know there’s a building there.

It got worse as my child grew. By the time she was six months old, both my hands were transparent. On her first birthday, my arms were completely see-through. I could still hold her, which was the oddest thing. I kept expecting her to fall through my embrace, but she didn’t. She gripped my arms with her tiny hands, chewing and sucking on my invisible fingers as if nothing was wrong. 

And maybe nothing was. Nobody else seemed to notice. When I held up my arms for my partner, he shrugged and said, “Everyone gets that way with the first kid.” No panic. Just a smile as he turned back to his computer. “Give it a few more months and you’ll feel better. Everyone says this part’s the hardest.” 

Maybe they did. I didn’t know a lot of people with kids. 

We had another soon after that. We’d always wanted two, as close in age as possible, and though I had second thoughts when the time came to push, it was too late to back out. Soon we had a son, a tiny, mewling creature as different from our first as he could be. She’d been quiet, an easy sleeper, but he came into this world screaming as if he knew his mother’s see-through arms weren’t right and he wanted everyone else to know it too.

Within a day, it spread to my waist, then into my chest. I felt constantly chilled, as if the foggy autumn air had pierced my skin and settled in my bones. 

When my jaw went clear, I woke my partner up. He was asleep in the living room now, otherwise the kids kept him up. We’d agreed that since I was staying home and didn’t need to be alert, I could deal with them at night.

And during the day, too, apparently, since he left before breakfast and came home after they were asleep.

He woke when I shook him, sitting up with a frown. “Who’s there?”

“It’s me. I’m really worried.” I held my arms out. “It’s way worse. All the way to my chin.” 

“Hello?” He looked around, his eyes moving through me. Then he lay back down and rolled over, pulling the blankets up.

I glanced at the mirror over the couch. Fear shivered through me. 

I was completely gone.

I rushed back into the bedroom and over to my son’s crib. He looked up at me with those huge eyes, not blinking. 

“Can you hear me?” I whispered. 

He cheeped.

Relief barreled through me so hard I had to sit down on my bed to catch my breath. “I don’t know what’s happening to me. I don’t know how to make it stop.”

My daughter sat up in her crib. “Mama sad?”

“Love, can you hear me too?”

“Hear Mama,” she said, nodding.

My son cheeped again. He raised a tiny arm, reaching for me. I bent down to kiss him and he grabbed my invisible chin and squeezed. 

In the morning, my partner woke up, made coffee, and packed his bag for work. He kissed each kid and left the apartment without a word. He didn’t feed them, or call a sitter.

I chased him down the stairs, shouting his name. He brushed his hand across his face as if he’d walked into a spider web, but didn’t seem to feel me grabbing his arm or beating on his back.

Life wasn’t much different after he stopped seeing me. 

He left for work early, came back late. I spent my days with the kids, as always. We couldn’t go out in public, but I took them into the small green space out back and we sat in the sun together. The heat felt amazing on my invisible body. I took my shirt off and lay back. Why not?

I watched the kids enjoy the bright, quiet day, and smiled. “I love you both so much.” 

They looked up at me with their large eyes, so like my own, almost as if they could see me.

Sophia Krich-Brinton (she/they) lives in Colorado with her partner, kids, and cats. They write weird stories at dawn when the world sleeps and the cats try to sit on their keyboard. Her work has appeared or is upcoming in HAD, The Argyle, Moss Puppy Mag, and more. When not writing, she boxes, plays the banjo, and goes backpacking. Find them at sophiakbrinton.com or on Twitter/Instagram at @sophiakb_writes

Categories
Across the Wire Vol. 7

The Islands

by Walker Rutter-Bowman

At parties we stood around the newest statue. The host described intent, the extraction of stone, the weather of genesis. This time it was Charles. His pants were new and stiff. When he lost his train of thought, he defaulted to saying, “Galala marble.” Those were important words, and he clung to them. The statue was almost beautiful. We tried not to look at its bent genital, its implausible balls. Or we tried to look closer. When Charles lost the train again, he spoke, with feeling, of his adopted son’s agoraphobia. It had been diagnosed by a real doctor via a videoconferencing portal. The fear came to light as a nightmare: the boy pinned against a wall as people backed up, the backs of their heads growing as large as balloons, black hairs coming into focus. The reason the boy gave for not coming downstairs was the poor health of his lizard. The vet sipped champagne and said, “The lizard is fine.” He shook his head sadly. “The lizard has never been finer.”

These people wore watches and rings. Their shirts looked like normal shirts but more assured. To them and their methods, wealth meant island. My money was new, and so were these friends. I had never been an island man. I was from an interior state shaped like a muffin. Islands have sun and sand. They crawl with things that kill. They have grooves and protrusions, inlets and sides. They sneer.

One night, while everyone was discussing island life, some people pulled out their new passports to the islands they owned. These were official-looking documents with pictures and dates. While others looked and laughed at the photos, I shook my glass with a landlocked vigor, making the ice bang together. 

Why no island? they asked me. They knew my net worth. They had read the profile of me in the lifestyle magazine. You can still find the profile online. The writer called me a transit magnate, and it’s true I’m in bridges. That’s how I made my money. Why no island? they asked. They doubted my holdings. They lacked a fiscal literacy when it came to the great bridge. But I had funds. I’d adopted a daughter despite the towering cost. I could afford an estranged wife who sometimes sent me cards, and from the handwriting, by the angle of the stamp, I could tell she came by her loathing honestly, like a farmer. Adopting a daughter had to do with a single office where you went to fill out forms. And then the fenced-in area where you met your daughter. But having a daughter won’t protect you from island pressure. She’ll love it, they said. In good weather your adopted daughter will sail around the coast, they said. As the sun sets, you’ll sit on the terrace and watch her boat go by, and she’ll look up at you and wave, and the wave will mean something to both of you. She’ll sail all around and make you a worthless map, and you’ll attach it to the refrigerator with a magnet, and every time you go in for ice cubes, you’ll tap the map with your finger, and you’ll think, Here I am.

Sometimes this is your house, your new statue, your adopted daughter. Sometimes, despite what you’ve been told, Shauna is not agoraphobic, she just likes to read. Sometimes a lizard is not the perfect pet, and it ends up being you who feeds it and rubs its crested head. I liked the lizard but not my new statue, which had a small and sneaky face. He looks like you, the people said, and they mimed kissing it. That was their notion of a joke. I described to the guests how the artist was eager to disprove traditional metrics of abundance. The statue was small and ugly because the artist aimed to desexualize, or was it sexualize?, the height of men. Smoochie smoochie, the guests responded. I left doors open so they could poke around, find proof of my money, like pictures of Shauna in various stages of the latest orthodonture. They studied the photos to see if we had skipped steps. We had. But we had also doctored photos to hide the fact that we’d prioritized certain teeth over others. Half-satisfied, they put down the pictures and studied my clocks. I turned away to signal I didn’t care if they pocketed some of my clocks.

It’s not nothing, they said, roughly handling my timepieces, tossing them back and forth like baseballs. Meaning: a clock is not an island. Two clocks is not an island. Three? 

I knew it wasn’t. A clock is much more than nothing, but even the rarest clock in the world is no island. And if, one day, there’s an island that’s also a great big clock, it won’t come cheap. I was rich but I wasn’t clock-island rich.

But I could buy the average island if I wanted one, I said. But do I want one?

Their embarrassment rose up.

They looked deep into the faces of my very own clocks to hide how stupid they thought it was, a man holding himself apart from island desire. Money can buy a lot, but it can’t buy you the sense to keep things to yourself. It can buy you a clock that looks like a coconut with a hinge hidden by soft, brown fibers. It can even buy you the service of a man who stands in front of you to block your words with his broad body, a man named Jim who was a respected member of the team. For years my words struck him and fell to the ground, and for this he was, in my view, well compensated. But he couldn’t always be there. Jim needed a day off from time to time. Jim had a family.

So I bought the island. I had another party. I bought another sculpture. I was in the red. The bridge business was sputtering. Shauna wouldn’t come down because her book was getting good. The vet came in the door and said he heard the lizard was ill. I said the lizard was fine, and he said, That’s a relief, and helped himself to a flute of champagne and some canapes. He shook hands with the members of the group. His daughter’s teeth were straight but not as white as Shauna’s. His daughter had a lizard, but she would never have a lizard and an island, a lizard on an island. I helped him help himself to another flute or two.

I walked the guests around the statue and pointed to the contours. You see them there, the contours? They looked, but they took them for granted.

But of course, this location is temporary, I yawned. I could see Jim scrambling towards me. Soon we’ll move the statue to the island.

You bought an island?

I didn’t mention it?

Which one? they asked. Their maps were open.

That one.

That’s the one Kurt wanted. 

They were impressed. I knew because they went quiet and still, like certain birds in the presence of larger birds. While Jim was in the cellar getting more champagne, I took advantage of his absence to quote a poet who loved to fish.

But now they wondered what was left of my holdings. Any liquid? Was I hurting? Island-rich is one thing. Island-poor is another. They said I had the stink of it on me, the smell of a man over-leveraged by his land. So I bought one more. Jim said I was only doing it to shut them up. He was grilling for us because I’d never mastered the art. From time to time he’d complain that grilling was not really his job. I said maybe he should shut up and focus on the burgers. But he burned them anyway. His mind was elsewhere. He had been playing piano at Petit Chapeau Rouge for ten nights in a row, and it was starting to take its toll. The subject was sensitive. I’d told him he could do both until one of the jobs suffered, and now they both suffered. He wasn’t blocking comments at a satisfying rate, or grilling with the precision of former days, and word from Petit Chapeau Rouge was his playing was plodding and lacked dynamism. He was overworked. Jazz piano was teaching him vindictiveness, and he was leaving me unprotected. This burger is burned, I said. It’s flame-broiled, he said, hanging his head.

If I bought the second island close to the first one, they would criticize me for making decisions based on convenience. Accuse me of intending to build bridges between the two islands. Say, Oh, he made his fortune from building little bridges, now watch him try to connect his islands with two or three little bridges. I fooled them all by buying a second island quite far from the first. No bridge in the world could connect them, and I should know. Part of working in bridges is knowing when you’re ahead and when you’re not, and another part of working in bridges is proving your point.

Jim, who was helping me with motive, said it’s all right to prove your point. He was proving one himself with his sad piano playing and his burned burgers. Now I’m in a position where I can comfortably say upon reflection that the second island didn’t measure up to the first. It was covered in ants—one kind of ant, special for its aggression and orange thorax. A man lived on the island, a scientist, who had stretched his research grant longer than anyone thought possible. He called them Hofmann ants. His name was Hofmann. Either it was a tremendous coincidence, or he had named them after himself. He was covered in bites, and when you thought of all the pieces of Hofmann the ants had bitten off, the name began to make sense. He lived in a brown, single-flap tent. His papers declared he was allowed to study the ants for two more years, but I think he had changed the dates. He held his papers up as if someone might read them. He clutched the documentation like someone might take it away. When he talked about the ants, Hofmann could really get going. His face would grow red, his newer bites would begin to glow. The bites looked like little islands themselves, volcanic chains of red craters surrounded by ashen crusts. He was very skinny. Jim and I wondered what he ate. There were no fruit trees. Very few fish in the surrounding waters. But there were ants. And his tongue, when it showed itself, was short, thick, and coated in an orange gel. Maybe it was love, maybe it was revenge, maybe it was as simple as a dependable source of protein.

Two islands impressed my new friends. They had to rethink the sources of my wealth. Little bridges, sure, but maybe little tolls, too? That’s right, that’s right, many streams. Bridges was big. The people who had once asked, Is bridges really a living, is bridges really wealth?—they were now rethinking what they knew about the revenue of the load-bearing causeway. Plus I had invented a dongle that changed people’s lives, turning one port into another. Because a dongle is a bridge, too. A dongle is a bridge, too.

I hated playing favorites, but one island had ants and the other didn’t. One island had an unwashed and righteous scientist and the other didn’t. I built an airfield and a road going all the way around the antless island. Jim said we could call it Island I—that’s the kind of creative thinker he was. I built a house on the cliff overlooking the bay where the sun set, splashing down into the ocean in a fine display of leaking reds and oranges, like it was the first or last day on earth. I pointed to the bay to show Shauna where she could sail her boat, but she wasn’t there, she was upstairs, reading her book and picking her blisters. But nothing could kill the mood. Jim popped a bottle, and our thoughts turned to God, the color and loneliness at the start of all things. 

We must have brought an ant or two over on the plane. Shauna showed up at breakfast covered in bites. Jim set out traps that might’ve worked on your ordinary ant. Instead, they began to chew on some foundational elements of the new house.

I was hurting a bit financially. People knew I was island-rich, and, like the Hofmann ant, sensed opportunity. The vet began to call and ask when was the best time to visit. He asked, How’s the lizard? and, Are you liquid? Then Jim realized he might be undervalued. He must have got to talking to the other men and women who stood in front of their employers, operating their grills, blocking their words. I think there’s a group. Maybe his long nights of stale smoke at Petit Chapeau Rouge gave him a taste of independence. He brought me some charts showing how much money he had saved me by blocking certain words. He handed me a pamphlet about the dangers of eating uncooked meats. It was hard to believe they were accurate, but they were compelling and certainly colorful. Under each bright bar was one of the stupid things I had tried to say, or a type of raw meat, and then the bar extended upward to a point of potential fiscal damage. And then the last bar, the total, extended off the page and he had to fold out some sections of the graph to show how far it went, and like a tongue of orange flame the bar unrolled and kept going: that bar was the financial damage I would’ve incurred from eating uncooked meat and then speaking about it in an honest but fiscally ruinous manner. Jim knows better than the average man that the meat lobby is a powerful force, and bridges must work with meat to reach the state of synergy we all crave in business and the American meal.

The bars had words on them. These words had hit Jim’s chest and fallen to the ground. We were safe, thanks to Jim. But now the words had returned, printed on a color-coded graph Jim used to shake me down. The words had come back, after all. I signed some papers, and Jim was rich. He had always been good to me, but now? With his bad attitude? What if all those stupid things I said didn’t actually hit Jim and clatter to the ground, but became embedded in his skull, his soul? I’m not saying he became dumber, in body, mind, or spirit. But uglier? I’m saying he remembered the words I thought we’d agreed to forget.

“Let’s say, for the sake of conversation, some of the ants made it off Island II and onto Island I. What would you do?” I cut Hofmann’s steak for him but encouraged him to hold the fork. We were broadening and deepening his diet via imported goods.

“I would worry about the survival of the habitat, as the Hofmann ant is one of the most destructive organisms in the world.”

I knew my builders would agree. My new house was sliding down the cliff before it could even be finished. I watched the workers move about, welts covering their bodies, and I thought, Is it too late to be someone else?

When asked about indigenous self-determination, I said I was all for it, on paper. A truly rich man? the advocates said, with two islands such as yours? One of which has had people living on it for centuries? Wouldn’t the truly rich man concede that the land was more theirs than his? and that they should be allowed to govern it as they see fit? Not only do you not have the right to own the island? but you don’t really have the right to be there at all? The fake passport you wave about raises a notion of nationhood? that is not yours to raise or really even listen in on? Before responding I locked eyes with Jim, who was not going to stop me, though it would pain him to see me step forward and shoot off my mouth, which is what I did, and I quoted a poet with a passion for fishing but also for fascism, and I regretted saying those words then and then regretted them even more once I saw them punctuated in the last surviving publications of print.

Sometimes, island-rich means being able to give up Island I. Sometimes, island-rich is a feeling you once had, not a life you get to live. At least that’s how Jim put it. I saw the logic, but I didn’t like it. I agreed to meet with the indigenous, and I can’t say I liked them either. I didn’t dislike them because they were indigenous. I disliked them because they disliked me. And because they killed Jim. There was a misunderstanding with Jim and the manner in which he opened his arms in a gesture of welcome. I thought it was a nice gesture, but they shot him with a very long arrow. Jim’s wife and son said after all the shielding Jim had done for me through the years, that perhaps I, for once, could have shielded, etc. They said Jim’s threats of further litigation led to my hesitance to step in front of that arrow, but it had very little to do with that. It had much more to do with the arrow, and the fear that filled my heart when I saw it flying through the sky. Even if Jim had survived the puncture, the arrow was poisoned, and the fever brought out a burst of language I had never heard from the man who took great care with his words. With some gasping and an agitated frothing at the lips, Jim died. The last thing he said was, “Is it blue? Is the body really blue?” No one knows what he meant. But from time to time, I find it useful to ask myself the same thing.

After Jim, I stopped responding to others. I went a bit mute. If I had to say anything, I wrote it on a scrap of paper and kept it in my pocket until I could gather more information on what kind of thing it was. It slowed me down. Sometimes I dropped a scrap of paper, a thought, and it blew away, and after a few moments I didn’t miss it. 

Shauna says it’s interesting that islands are places of exile and objects of desire. Shauna says it’s interesting what wealth does to men of a certain susceptibility. Shauna says it’s interesting how expensive her school is, though not even she knows the real figure. She wants to want to help others, but she wants other things too.

We listen to old recordings of Jim from Petit Chapeau Rouge. I can detect things I said to him that influenced his playing, as though the words found their way into his fingers. The playing is plodding, it lacks dynamism—and that’s exactly how I want it. Sometimes the last thing you want is dynamism. His grave is on the island. The island has a bird with a very recognizable call. Somehow Hofmann never noticed it. The bird drowns out what I’m about to say. I want Jim to be that bird. Jim didn’t believe in bridges, and neither do birds. Shauna puts flowers on his grave, and I sprinkle it with scraps of paper. She questions if the scraps of paper are a good way to honor Jim. I believe he would’ve valued it for its human comedy: the scraps of paper carried away by the wind, the way I chase after them and trip over my own two feet, the way Shauna sighs, the way they blow into the water and drift into the distance, the way I wade into the shallows without even rolling my pantlegs. The papers soak up the sea, the ink bleeds into the water. Hofmann makes an orange stew. I open my mouth to speak, but the Jim of a bird screams again. A bird is a bridge, but to what? To more birds?

Walker Rutter-Bowman is a writer and editor living in Brooklyn.