Categories
Crayon Barn Chris

June 22: Art’s Barn

By Dylan Smith

Spitgum sprawled down the hillside like the shadow of a falling tree. Telescope in their one hand, my walking stick in the other. All along the way they stopped in bright clearings to peer out at the shapes of distant leaves and at the bodies of darting birds, and they asked me a lot of questions. What’s that bird’s name? What tree’s this? My fever blazed and flared in the late morning light, yet I couldn’t believe how clearly I could see. To reveal, to uncover, to unveil, I thought. I put my sunglasses on. Did my best to answer Spitgum’s questions. Dragging the heels of their boots down the hill they had kicked up trail dust and now it settled into hollows of woodbine ivy and wine berry brambles, the air all aswirl through streams of sheer light. That’s when I noticed for the first time how the leaves of certain trees had curled inward, burning a yellowish red. Drought-sick, I thought. Or like a kind of blight. I touched the trunk of a rock oak tree. Identified the call of a wren. Spitgum babbled on and on about nothing. I felt drought-sick too. I could feel the birdsong vibrating in my hair. 

Arriving at a ridge halfway down the hill I noticed what looked like a ribbon of wood-smoke rising up from a field just south of the farmhouse. Art was walking slowly down the freshly mowed slope, a five gallon bucket full of tools in his hand. In the other was a plastic gallon jug of water. Alma’s garden gate gently opened in a gust of wind and I scanned the landscape searching for her, tracing the tangle of wisteria vines along the winding road, the tall swaths of summer flowers leaning over stone paths as they dove down and snaked around the farmhouse and woodshed and the garden. A rain cloud had gathered above the sloping fields. Art took off his hat and stopped to rest at the stump of the lightning struck black locust tree, his body no bigger than my thumbnail. I could picture the tree even though it wasn’t there. Apple. Purple. Fountain. Paint. The rain cloud came apart. Art looked up into the absence where the tree had once provided shade. Saw us at the edge of the wood, waved, and walked on. Spitgum led me down into the field and we met Art standing by his van in the shade of the barn. 

“Didn’t Hippie just mention something about a fire ban?”

Art looked up from the messages on his phone. His phone is a Samsung Galaxy. It looked like a tiny stone tablet in his hand. 

“That’s not a fire, Sunshine. What you see up there is worter.” 

“Water? Up out of what, the well?”

Art set his phone on the dashboard with some dark green gloves, then he opened the van’s side door to unload his bucket of tools. “Just west of that well’s a quick-coupler. Like for hoses. Found this cap shot way out into the field. I guess the pipe must’ve burst once I got the water back on.” Art turned to show us the metal cap. It said Rain Bird on it. Spitgum snickered. “First thought was maybe I’d run something over with my mower. But the situation seems more mysterious than that. Look at all that pressure, Sunshine. Never seen anything like it. Must be something to do with the hydrostatic pressure of the ground. Like at Yellowstone, you ever been to Yellowstone? I hear springs out there bubble up all scalding hot from magma. At least in our case the farm water’s cold. Cool clear worter. Just mysterious is all. A mysterious mist. Looks like we won’t be needing the telescope, Spit.”

“I’m so grateful for the mystery,” they said. 

Spitgum and Chris have the same exact smile. 

Art looked at them and laughed.  

“Anyway, Sunshine — I’ve got to get going in a hurry. Emergency call just came from up on the mountain.”

The van with all its black and blue graffiti shone purple in the barn shade glow. Art slammed the side door shut and handed me the empty bucket. It took me a moment to remember which mansion he meant when he said up on the mountain. Art looked at the sun. Nearly noon. Then he ducked into the dark of the barn. 

Spitgum kicked a rock and followed it out into the road. Picked at a runover snake with their stick. I took my dead phone from out of my pocket. The screen was cracked badly, but I thought it should still work. I plugged it into the charger I leave in Art’s van and noticed a giant book on the passenger seat. It was Lumbersweeney’s copy of Capital Volume 1 by Karl Marx. I had no memory of stealing the book. It still had his highlighter in it. Art emerged again with the jug of fresh well water and a plate of microwaved pizza from the night before. The two inverted phases of the movement which makes up the metamorphosis of a commodity constitute a circuit: commodity-form, shedding off of this form, and a return to it. Grease threatened holes in Art’s paper plate already. Spitgum’s shoulder blades rose up into the light like demon wings, or maybe angel wings, and I felt increasingly sick.

“The wren came back,” Art declared. He handed me the jug of water. I took a long drink, and then I pointed up toward the well with Lumbersweeney’s book. 

“You’re saying that call is more of an emergency than this?”

“Correct. It’s their furnace, Sunshine. Bad oil leak. And there’s nothing to be done here for now. Those fields will happily soak up all the worter. Let me show you the work I have planned for you at Diane’s.”

Spitgum and I followed Art to the north side of the barn where the truck and tractor had been parked in the sun. I looked up the hill through the field toward the well. The fountain spray looked like a kind of endless explosion outside the farmhouse. Art had leaned several shovels against the truck along with two iron prybars for rocks and two posthole diggers. I loaded the tools into the truck while Art stood there eating pizza. Spitgum had already wandered off again and was looking into the back of  my Volvo, their pink skull pressed against Chris’s in the glass. I sighed loudly and wiped the sweat off my face with my shirt. 

“I went to Diane’s this morning and marked out where I want these holes.” Art lowered the tailgate and flattened out a piece of paper. A drawing in red pencil of Diane’s yard and house. “About a half dozen holes. You’ll see the red paint in the grass. I also marked the handles of these shovels here for your height. You’ve got concrete form tubes too. Those are in the barn. For the footings of the deck. Just do your best, Sunshine. There will be rocks.”

 “Yo, Billy—what’s up with this CitiBike back here? You steal this thing or what?”

I locked eyes with Art through my sunglasses. He shrugged as if to say, What the hell’d you want me to do about it? I’d forgotten all about that bike, the city. The Tarot Card Guy named Calder and all the things I’d taken from Chris. 

Daylight glanced off the body of Art’s truck. I went to pick at some rust at the bottom of the tailgate where it joined with the busted light, but stopped myself. Art saw me stop and smiled. The truck was essentially disintegrating, falling apart. Everything was. I almost said so, but I couldn’t bear to repeat the same old endless conversation about chaos and entropy and the truck, its low mileage in spite of the rust, all that salt they spray on the roads in winter and on and on and on and on. My fever deepened like a cave. Entered the bones of my back. I folded Art’s drawing into Lumbersweeney’s book. Art had fixed the busted taillight with some see-through packing tape and red spray paint. I could still see the rock Spitgum kicked into the middle of the road. It was the size of a little dove. 

I ran a cold hand trembling through my long wet red dirty hair and decided it was time to lay down in the grass. 

Art turned over the empty bucket and took a seat above me. 

He chewed on his last bite of pizza. Wiped his beard with a rag. 

“You drank too much again last night.”

“You’re the one whose eyes are all bloodshot,” I said. 

“That’s just the dust. You don’t see me coiled up under no tailgate.”

“I was fine an hour ago, man. That kid did something weird to me.”

Art looked back across the lawn, chewing. 

“I did nothing weird,” Spitgum yelled over my Volvo by the road. “All I did was fix the hater’s eye.”

“I have this fever now, Art. I can’t shake it. The breeze cuts through like November and all the leaves look red. You didn’t even ask if I wanted it fixed,” I yelled at Spitgum. 

“You just feel sick because you’re scared,” Spitgum yelled back. “Bill went and betrayed his only brother and now he’s blaming me for the fact that he’s scared and lost and probably just sick from the guilt. Who would our Billy Willy be if not his brother’s half-brother? That’s a scary thought. Enough to make anybody sick. No — I’d come over and unfix your eye right now if it’s what you really wanted. But I don’t think it is, Bill. Pretty sure that would just hurt.”

“Come out from under there and let me see, Sunshine.” 

Art nudged my busted rib with the toe of his boot until I came out from under the shade of the tailgate, groaning. 

I took my sunglasses off. 

“Jesus Christ — it’s an actual miracle. Barely a scar, Sunshine. Did you see your eye turned blue? The right eye’s still green, but the other one went fully blue.”

Art handed me the jug of water again. There was pizza sauce on his dark green shirt. I thought it looked like a blood mark. I drank the fresh water and poured some on my head and then I struggled to my feet to look at myself in the driver’s side mirror. Art was right. My left eye was blue. I immediately new that I liked it. Somewhere in the distance someone stopped shoving tree branches into a wood chipper. I hadn’t noticed the sound, but now I noticed the silence. Spitgum came up from behind me and I jumped. They had Calder’s wizard hat in one hand and a big chunk of green chalk in the other. 

“And now, for my third trick, I will make a horse appear out of thin air.”

“Third? What the hell was your second trick?” I demanded. 

But Spitgum stepped toward the side of the barn, fit Calder’s hat onto their shaved pink head, and with the green chalk against the red barn they drew another weirder, smaller barn, and inside that barn they drew a large strange green animal and a big green circle with wavy rays of green falling down on the animal like the sun. 

“Horse,” Spitgum said, pointing at the horse and writing out the word. Art laughed and clapped. I was going to ask why the green sun had been drawn inside the barn with the horse — but out of the corner of my new blue eye I noticed a flutter of paper pinned under the windshield wiper of my Volvo. 

I went toward it. 

A letter from Alma. 

Her handwriting wide and open and blue:

Hi — I want to write down these things which feel like the harder things before we see each other again in person… 

Two black lumber trucks boomed passed the barn. The first swerved violently to avoid Spitgum’s rock, its six tires screeching as it burned marks onto the wavy blacktop road — but the other truck floored it right up over the rock and drove on as if it had been nothing. 

I walked out into the road through a whirlpool of dust. 

….hesitancy or space coming from my side is most likely a reflection of where I am in the circle shape, and not a difference in care… 

Unthinkingly I picked up Spitgum’s rock. 

but my heart is still craving time to untangle myself from him so I can rebuild… 

And that’s when I stopped myself. Folded the letter back up. I needed to be alone to read it. I took Spitgum’s rock back toward the barn where their picture had been wiped away already, and in its place Art was drawing a giant green illustration of the light spectrum while lecturing Spitgum with the telescope in his hand. 

The diagram looked like this:

dylan smith crayon barn chris art barn june 22

“Take this light inside Bill’s telescope for instance — we’re talking about just a sliver of what’s actually expanding beyond the visible eye. Infrared light, ultraviolet light. You want to talk about the mystery, Spitgum? Let’s talk dark energy, dark matter. Almost everything in our observable universe is invisible. Not to even mention space time or the speed of light or how with a serious-enough telescope, these scientists have seen all the way back through the fabric of earth time already. Right straight through to the very beginning of. I just heard it on the radio again today — I’m talking James Webb again, Bill — it’s happening as we speak. A telescope that can capture pictures of First Light.”

Spitgum took the telescope back from Art. 

“But that would just be God,” Spitgum said. “You’re saying they took a picture of God?”

“Correct,” Art said. “Widen out far enough and we’re nothing but tiny particles in an unspeakable pattern of light that is everything. Particles of dust. I’ve seen videos of it on my computer.”

From where I stood I could see Chris’s two favorite trees. A pair of sugar maples which always merged into one great giant-looking tree in the window of Alma’s kitchen. 

In that moment I wanted nothing more than to know what Chris was reading. 

“You know Cain killed Abel with a rock,” Spitgum said, pointing at the rock with my telescope. 

“Excuse me?” I said. 

Just then Art’s wren landed in a barren patch of grass at our feet. 

“Wow — there she is,” Art whispered. “Spitgum, look — she comes back every summer to nest on the sill above my saws. How was winter down in Florida little birdy? Bring us back any plastic from the beach?”

“I wonder, Bill — Do you think bodies decompose more slowly during drought years?” 

“What kind of fucking question is that, Spitgum? What, are you threatening me?”

“No, I meant it from a scientific perspective. Seeing as all the worms are probably dried up.”

I experienced a sudden and confusing urge to injure Spitgum physically. 

Fugitive. Mountain. Flower. Fist. 

Instead I set the rock down slowly, picked up Lumbersweeney’s book, and then I started for the farmhouse. 

“Sunshine, wait — I figured you would give Spitgum a ride to the church on your way to Diane’s. My oil leak is in the opposite direction. It’s coming up on noon. ”

“I’m not taking that kid anywhere,” I said. “First of all, Art, I already told you I’m sick. Second of all, just make the kid drive their goddamn self.”

“Ain’t allowed to drive no more, hater. Hence the whole reason why my meeting’s inside a church.”

Barn swallows swooped in and out of the barn, spiraling in the shape of an eight. 

The wren wrangled up a living worm. Looked me in the eye. Flew away. 

“Sorry, Art. But I need to go find Alma.” 

I started for the farmhouse again. 

“Wait — I have a deal for you, Billy Willy. Lend me that CitiBike, just this once, and I’ll get your Volvo running again for free.”

I turned back around. 

“No,” I said. 

“Look, Billy — Art says all your Volvo needs is a starter. That’s kid stuff. Let’s make this happen like a barter. You pay for the part and I’ll be your mechanic. Free labor for free rides on the CitiBike this summer. I’m desperate for a way into town. It’s a win-win-win for all three of us. Just like Marx.”

Spitgum presented their pale hand as if I’d shake it just like that. 

“What do you know about fixing cars?” I asked.

“My best friend back in the desert’s a mechanic. Name’s Ever. I helped him here and there, could easily call if I run into trouble.”

I looked over at the Volvo. It looked like a bottomless pit of black dead moon water. 

“Consider it fixed, Bill. Seriously. Let’s shake on it. Fair and square.”

Art laughed. Shook his head. Shrugged. 

“Deal?”

“Whatever, man. Fine. Deal.” 

After shaking my hand Spitgum said, “Ready to see what my second trick was?”

“No,” I said. 

They reached out toward my face again and before I could get my hands up to defend myself they’d pulled a ring out from behind my ear. “Tadaaaaa,” Spitgum said. They dropped Alma’s engagement ring into my hand and broke off into a run toward the Volvo. Before Art could bend down to pick up his empty bucket they had already pulled out the CitiBike onto the grass, Calder’s wizard hat like two hands clasped into prayer atop their wild pink head. 

“Kid’s a total trip, Art.”

“You got that right. Like the drum major of some kind of fucked up parade.”

“Battery’s still some life in it!” Spitgum shrieked. 

Art had leaned over to look at the cover of Lumbersweeney’s book, his head almost upside-down to see it. It’s a dark painting on the cover. I showed it to him. Three men working in an old iron factory, a kind of spiraling white fire burning at the center of it. 

“The Forge (A Modern Cyclops),” I read. “By Adolph von Menzel.” 

“Looks like they’re working an old rolling mill,” Art said. “I’m guessing for the railroad tracks. See how they don’t have any eye protection? All they did back then was squint. No gloves either. That poor bastard doesn’t even have shoes. I guess some things never change, Sunshine. Reminds me of this old timer I knew back out in—”

“Shouldn’t you be heading up toward that oil leak?”

“Oh, shit. Yes. Thanks.”

I handed Art the water jug. He took a long, slow drink, then sighed. 

“Everything returns to chaos, Sunshine.”

“I know, Art. I know.”

“Tell Alma I’ll be back down tonight to fix her worter.”

“Is anything reaching the house?”

“Nope.”

“Alright.”

After shaking my hand Art patted me on the back in a paternal way that actually made me feel a little better. Turning to go I heard the familiar quiet vroom of the CitiBike taking off toward the south, and turned in time to see Spitgum speed off shrieking for the church with my walking stick. 

I walked up the slope through the field toward Alma’s well. 

A storm had established itself above the mountains to the west, and that fountain beside the well looked like a tower endlessly falling.

Dylan Smith works at Brooklyn Botanic Garden and lives in a shared house with nine people and a Steinway piano the size of a boat. 

Categories
Crayon Barn Chris

The Letter

By Dylan Smith

Read by Ana Ratner 

June 22

Hi — I want to write down these things that feel like the harder things before we see each other in person. They are things I want to be transparent about before anything more happens between us, things I know to be true for myself but that might affect you if we continue down this road together. I think writing them down will help me understand them and clarify them and even though they are somewhat future-oriented they feel like a future I feel really sure about. I’ll write them out as a list even though they are a little looser than that and tie into each other more than a list format would make it seem.


1. The biggest one of the moment
is where I am around heartbreak. I have been seeing heartbreak as this kind of cyclical circle shape and I worry maybe we are on opposite sides of it. One of the most confusing things about Chris being gone is that his hands once felt like extensions of my hands and I don’t understand where they will go now that we’ve broken up. I feel like I am still untangling our bodies. Rationally I understand the absence of his presence but my heart is still craving time to untangle my body from his so that I can rebuild.  New love for me would have to be like faint music. But I still want you to experience all you are experiencing from your side and am writing this just so you know that any hesitancy or space coming from my side is most likely a reflection of where I am in the circle shape and not a difference in care.


2. Future Thing #1: Something that started coming up for me with Chris was realizing an excitement I have around exploring non-traditional relationship dynamics. Something I do know about the future is that when I feel untangled from Chris and have found some of those parts of myself I lost I will want to put romantic dating energy toward exploring these different relationship structures and communities. This is in part why things didn’t work between me and Chris. I think non-monogamy really freaked him out and threatened him and made him crazy controlling and jealous which is probably why he cheated on me and now I just feel like I have a lot of healing and exploring to do in this area of my life and have really no interest in falling into another monogamous relationship for the time being.

3. Future Thing #2: This thing is in the intense future and probably doesn’t need to be discussed or thought about too much, which is that after understanding what I want to incorporate from Future Thing #1 I want to experience the stability and excitement that comes from having a more traditional relationship and family. I am talking about kids. I do feel like because God hates women my timeline for figuring this out is short, which is why it feels worth mentioning. Like if I were 27 instead of 33 this would not be in this letter.


That’s all! You now have all the information that I have. I just wanted to set everything out on the table for both of us because I have no interest in having a hint of sneakiness or dishonesty between us now or ever.

Alma

Dylan Smith works at Brooklyn Botanic Garden and lives in a shared house with nine people and a Steinway piano the size of a boat. 

Categories
Crayon Barn Chris

June

By Dylan Smith

For the last three days I’ve been alone up here in my shack. Drying out, coming down, recovering. It’s been hell since I took the last of Chris’s pills but I’m through the worst of it at least. No more mirages on the edges of imagined things. No more violent voices in the night—no visions. Just a gentle breeze through the midnight leaves, a soft gust swirling through the eye of the storm of my life. My shack is like a hole in the side of this mountain. I’m holed up inside it like a vagabond, a fugitive, a thief. Nothing left but bandit rations now. Shitty coffee, cans of beans, blahblahblah—I’m hungry. Dawn fires built to boil water brought up in buckets from the muddy creek and this mountain wind moves through me tonight—I am no man, a ghost. My outhouse hole is almost full. Subterranean snowcapped mountain. Winter’s ashes and sawdust sprinkled down on decades upon decades of human shit. I wonder if Alma ever took one in there. God, I hope so. Then a part of her would be near. Art certainly has—that I know for sure. Still no sign of him yet. Nightmare from last night: Art mowing lawns in denim short-shorts and a wizard hat. Chris coming up behind him on horseback in the dark. Come and see. The barn down below both black and brightly burning. 

No rain. No moon. No beer. 

Still no word from Alma either.

June 16

Today I woke early and limped up to the Glasshouse to find some food. A freezer in the basement full of bags of fruit and fish. I let the fish thaw bare on the bluestone poolside while I floated in the salty blue water. From the pool ledge I looked out over familiar trailers and trees and in through the windows of giant empty mansions, and through my telescope I spotted Alma’s greenhouse, the creek, her kitchen. My Volvo looked like a grave newly dug in the grass beside Art’s barn, the dusty dead black of it reflecting no light. Let the dead bury the dead. No light. I thought about my poems as I floated. My narrowing path. My secrets. My vision’s been blurry in the left eye still, but back in the city Chris’s new girlfriend, Sarah, she super-glued the cut. I never should have buzzed up to that apartment. I had holes in my socks, no boots, so I had to—it was a necessary mistake. Sarah noticed the cut above my eye right away. Asked a lot of questions, reasonable ones I had no honest answers to. She looked me up and down a lot. Said she thought I was crying blood. The place was incredible though. Windows overlooking the park. Sarah told me the apartment had once been her grandpa’s. Apparently her grandpa was dead. I’d taken the last of Chris’s pills on the elevator up and was stealing a lot of paranoid glances out the windows: the cathedral, my Volvo, the torn up city street. I think it freaked Sarah out. The cathedral bells rang out at random with the rise and fall of the playground down below. I have to be sure I’m not getting towed, I told her. Sarah had bright eyes. Paint covered pajama bottoms. Green crocs. I thought I recognized her from somewhere, I still don’t know where from yet. I asked if I could take a shower. Sarah hesitated. I offered up more lies and she laughed and led me into her room. This is where I work, she said. Left me alone with her paintings for a while. They were big. I loved them. Each seemed to be throwing a birthday party for itself. I found a bag of Chris’s stuff in the closet. Some clean underwear and socks, Chris’s boots. The disco ball from our first apartment in the city, and this new journal. I stuffed it all into my duffle bag. Got cleaned up. That’s when Sarah knocked. She had a tube of super glue for the cut. Okay, I said. She sat me on a stool in front of my favorite painting. It had an umbrella in it, an actual umbrella. I asked about the painting. Up top and to the left she had flattened the black umbrella and underneath that was a row of upside-down yellow inventory paper. A perfectly balanced composition. Powerful work. Purple glitter paint swirled and smeared and Sarah pointed to a splatter of shining confetti letters. That’s the alphabet, she said. And some numbers. Right. And this white stuff on the umbrella here is Glass Balloons. I looked up at her. Glass Balloons? Yeah, Sarah said. She was looking at the picture. I just find this stuff, you know. The umbrella I found in Chinatown, the yellow paper I think came from a friend. I looked closer. Glass Balloons! The white stuff seemed to be what glued the umbrella down over blurry streaks of dayglo blue and orange buildings and glitter and the picture looked like a curb in the city to me now—like a birthday party had blown up downtown and this was the perfect happy rubble of it, the colors streaming in a kind of easy crayon rain, and the graph paper even formed a grid. 

Sarah had pink and blue paint on her wrist. Even her smell was a little familiar. First she cleaned the cut with alcohol. Q-tips and gauze were involved. My hair still dripped wet from the shower and I asked how she knew how to do this. I grew up with a lot of brothers, she said. Sarah squeezed the cut. Applied the glue. She did it all gently though, gently. You’re going to have a gnarly scar, she said. That’s okay. I don’t care. Your hands smell just like flowers. 

The Glasshouse refracted the daylight into rainbows and spangled them across the pool water at dusk. I washed the bird shit and blood from my jeans, then flung the legs over a tree branch to dry them. I could have ironed my clothes with a rock. That’s how hot it’s been. Birds soared up into the sun-shot air and dove back down in whirling black circles through the heat. I made a fire. Ate the fish. The sun went down behind the smoke drift and mountains. I wonder where the wind comes from?

I’ve been avoiding the inevitable, the unfolding calamity of my life. 

Alma. The city. Everything I’ve taken from Chris. 

It’s midnight now. Starlight shining through the pines. 

I can still feel the sunshine in my jeans. Glass Balloons.

Every time a tree creaks I think it’s Chris hiking up to kill me.

June 17

This morning I found Art standing over a hole in one of the barren hay fields behind Alma’s garden. His hands were on his hips, his hat pulled down low against the sun. We waved as I approached but he didn’t smile at me or nod or speak. I watched him notice my new boots, my limp. He made a show of shaking his head. I stood beside him and put my hands on my hips too, kind of mocking him, trying to get a laugh. It didn’t work. I looked down into the hole. The hole looked deep. I didn’t know what was going on. Art knelt down and pulled up a tangle of red and blue wire from within it. The back of his sky blue shirt had been bleached from the sun and a length of rope led down deep into the narrow dark. The rope was attached to a back plastic pipe. The hole was as wide as the middle of a sunflower and it was lined with thick black metal pipe and the wind sounded like water rushing down through the trees. 

Art looked up. 

“It’s like the Endless Hole.”

“What?”

“You never heard of that guy? This guy from back in the day. On the radio. He’d always call in about having an Endless Hole in his yard.”

“Never heard of that.”

“Figures.”

Art stood. A red car came struggling around the corner. An old lady from up the road named Ruth. Art and I had done some work on her cottage. We waved as she went slowly by. 

I took off my sunglasses. Art noticed the cut above my eye. 

I hadn’t been to work in over a week. 

Finally Art smiled. 

“Somebody sure kicked your ass.” 

“Yeah.”

“How’d you get ahold of new boots?”

“Chris gave me these,” I said. “Hand-me-down boots.”

Art laughed. Shook his head, scratched his beard. He laughed and laughed. 

“What? I’m serious.”

“Sure you are, Sunshine.”

“No, seriously. What? They’re steel-toed. He gave me these as a gift.”

“Guy kicks your ass and gives you the boots to remember him by? You can’t bullshit me, Sunshine. I know Chris didn’t give you any free boots.”

I looked down at a burn hole in the right tongue of my boot. From when Chris left them leaning against the wood stove to dry. That was just last winter. Stepped straight through some ice as we walked across the creek. 

The air all around us felt huge and hot and still. My rib still hurts whenever I laugh or cry or scream, so I tried to hold everything in. A bird cried out. I didn’t know what kind it was. I took shallow breaths. Another rush of wind came down from high up on the mountain and it flattened out along the tops of trees and banged open the gate to Alma’s garden. All around us the leaves turned inside out, sparkled a thousand shades of Beck’s. Art’s favorite beer. The gate slapped shut—then it flew open again. Now the air was still. 

“Is she home?”

“Is who home?”

“Alma, man.”

“No—nobody’s home. Not anywhere. It’s been a ghost town.”

“Have you heard from her at all?”

“Heard from who—from Alma? Why would I?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t heard from her either.”

“Says the guy who’s never had his phone charged for as long as I’ve known him alive. You expecting her to write you a letter?”

“I don’t know.”

“You see that’s your problem, Sunshine. You’re even worse than I was. At first I thought she might be up there with you. Like a honeymoon kind of thing. But then I saw your sorry broken tracks limping up the trail alone.”

“You could have come up and checked on me at least. I was pretty sick.”

“Yeah, well. Seemed natural enough to me. You and that lonely poet life. Even lone wolves come down from the hills when they’re hungry.”

It was hard work pulling up the well pump. A hundred feet of water line and rope. The water line was slick and dark with earth and mud and it got lighter and more clay-colored the farther it went down. I didn’t have any gloves and my newly cleaned jeans got immediately muddy. Art walked the line out across the drought clenched field, holding it above his head as he went, and I struggled to pull the last of it up by the rope. The pump was fancier than I imagined it would be. Stainless steel cylinder. Somehow pretty shiny still. Art came back through the field, heat waves shimmering above the swaying burnt hay. More like something you’d shoot into space, I said. But the connections were all rusted and shitty above the pump, and I noticed the rope had frayed. Art examined the wiring. Said the thing had burnt itself out. 

Art pointed at the date imprinted on the metal. 

“I was your age when this went down.”

His shirt was soaked with sweat. 

I looked closer. The date said 1991.

“That’s the year I was born,” I said. 

Another car came around the corner quick—“Cop,” I said, standing. 

Art looked up. No sirens or lights. The sheriff just waved as he hauled ass past the barn. Art waved back. I did not. The sheriff disappeared into the trees. 

Art cut the well pump wire with his knife. 

I knelt down again. 

“You make everything we do look suspicious,” Art said.

“Weren’t you about my age when you found work up here?” 

“Something like that.”

“Then wouldn’t you have been here when this well pump was put in?”

“It’s possible,” Art said. He looked up at the cop dust being blown away by the wind, then back down into the hole, frowning. “Yes—I guess anything’s possible. Maybe I helped the last guy do it. I don’t know—probably not. Long time now. Don’t really remember either way.”

Back up at the barn Art offered me a beer. I told him I’d been dry since my cathedral experience in the city. Something strange must have happened in there. Spiritual maybe. Art just shrugged. Alma’s well pump dead in his hands. Like a caveman carrying some kind of futuristic bone. He ducked into the dark of the barn. 

I walked over to where my Volvo was parked in the grass. The Citibike was in there still. That was not good. My stomach rolled. I saw my duffle bag there too and remembered hiding Calder’s wizard hat under the seat. That was also not good. Shame. Fear. Guilt. I sat in a shady spot where the grass meets the gravel. 

The grass was dry from no rain and my arms felt tired from the work. It felt good to be tired in that way again. It must have been right around noon, the shadows of the trees all coiled up and black. Art lunged back out of the barn with a beer and took a seat on a stone slab by my car. He had mowed all around the car and the grass underneath it looked greener than the rest. Tall and healthy to the bumper. Art looked down at the grass now too. The bottle in his hand was green and dewy and it dripped in a wonderful way. Beck’s. A beer did sound pretty good. I didn’t know what day it was. Not that it mattered. Art opened the bottle with his knife. 

“I need you to move this car off my grass.”

“I can’t,” I said.

“Why not.”

“It’s broken.”

“Broken how.”

“I don’t know. It broke down. I had to get it towed up here.”

“You had this vehicle toward up here from New York City?”

“Yeah.”

“Sunshine—”

“Somebody down there would have charged me money. I figured we could fix it up here for cheap.”

“Cheap? You make no sense, Sunshine. You’re out of your goddamn mind.”

“Chris pays for whatever it’s called—roadside assistance. I happened to have his card. Free tows for the first ninety-something miles. The lady charged me an extra eighty bucks for the Citibike. But it was still pretty cheap.”

“And did Chris hand-you-down that bicycle too?”

“Look. The tow truck lady tried to jump it. The radio comes on but it wouldn’t start. Nothing happened.”

“Okay.”

“Will you help me fix it?”

Art shook his head and laughed. My jeans were heavy with sweat and muddy water. I looked up the hill. The air was so hot that it rippled, and Alma’s farmhouse flapped like a flag in the heat. 

I heard another screech from that unfamiliar bird. I couldn’t figure out what it was.

“Next time you’d better taper off instead of cold turkey,” Art said. “It’s supposed to be safer that way. They say cold turkey like that could kill you.”

“Okay. But will you help me fix the car? I’m out of water.”

“Fine, Sunshine. A lack of power. I’ll try to take a look at it tomorrow.”

The bird call came from high up in the woods. I felt relief. I wanted to ask Art what kind of bird it was, but suddenly a silence had settled in all around us. The air felt still like the surface of calm water. I didn’t want to disrupt it. I closed my eyes. Some time passed. Art went back and forth to the barn for Beck’s but I stayed still, and soon there was a kind of opening, and a door, and beyond that everything was wonderful—the moment I entered upon was everywhere, it was perfect—something had separated me from my senses and now there was no space and no time and no language (so no me) and it was all spiraling up and up and down into one formless edgeless endless red door way deep down within me opening, opening in me where the light and dark had never been divided. 

“This stone has a sparkle to it,” Art said. 

His words sounded distant, lovely, alien, strange.

I opened my eyes. Art had three empty bottles beside him on the rock and his hat was hanging from his knee. We’d left Alma’s water line out in the field and it unfurled down below like a hundred foot snake. I took a deep breath. My rib didn’t hurt so bad anymore. The shadows of the trees had lengthened back out. I wondered how much time had gone by. 

“Wow—Sunshine, look up—it’s the hawk.”

The hawk looked dark against the blue sky soaring, hanging as high as the well went deep.

“You ever read any Homer, Old Man?” 

“Hey, easy. I’m not that old.”

“ that hawk is an omen,” I said. “It’s a drifter, no mission—floating just for us. How wonderful.”

“Speak for yourself, Sunshine. You sound like a dirty hippie. We’ve got missions—go look inside that barn. We’ve got plenty of missions.” 

Art finished his Beck’s. The hawk’s shadow spun counter-clockwise over the roof of the barn and a blurry truck passed by blackly. Still not Alma. Art got up to get another. 

“What the hell,” I said. “I’ll take one.” 

Art came back with four and handed me his knife.

“Plenty of missions, Sunshine—too many missions. The only thing we lacked today was a little bit of, whatever—whatever it is—wait, what was it?”

The hawk cried out—it screeched. 

I laughed. Beck’s. Pop-pop. The logo is a key. 

I always figured I knew what a hawk sounded like. 

I guess I was always wrong. 

Dylan Smith is looking for a job if anyone knows of any jobs in Brooklyn.