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Across The Wire Vol. 3

2 Micros

By Cletus Crow

Excaliburs

I forge a sword that cuts through passive aggressive bullshit. It’s the only way I can love you. You forge a sword that cuts through bipolar mania. It’s the only way I can listen. When our blades clash, we’re happy. We fight to the death. 

T.H. White’s The Once and Future King

Lancelot is one ugly cuss. He fucks Guenever, King Arthur’s queen. Arthur is one spineless cuck. Arthur and Lancelot are friends. If I’m Lancelot, I don’t know it. If I’m Guenever, I regret it. I’m Arthur sitting on the edge of our bed. Mascara runs down your face like lava. There is no joust.

Cletus Crow’s poetry collection, Phallic Symbols, is available from Pig Roast Publishing.

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Across The Wire Vol. 3

NDA

By Julián Martinez

Good morning, I am reaching out today to make clear some topics that came up during our interview last week regarding my prior employment. I was formerly employed by a public figure known across the globe for their ubiquitous impact and influence across culture, media and beyond. What you may not know is that this public figure is, and has been, a company and not one individual.

I was responsible for the management of paid actors who portrayed this figure in public and sometimes private spaces, while the operation was overseen by a think tank that included investors, political advisors, financiers, and myself since November of 2023. Prior to that, this public figure (who I am not legally allowed to name) was a living individual by whom I was originally employed in 2018.

My legal obligation to maintain the anonymity of this person has been in effect since my signing of a non-disclosure agreement, although this may have been nullified on October 23rd, 2023, when this individual set the paper copy of said agreement on fire in my living room, shortly before what was later referred to as “the personal-professional merger.” Thus, because of the uncertain status of this agreement, I am unsure of what can and cannot be shared without direct retaliation. 

I feel it is only right to inform you, looking ahead to my in-person interview with you tomorrow afternoon for the Director of Development role, to address the gap in my resume which you remarked upon in conversation. To clarify, I am sharing some of the more sensitive, “gossip-y” (for lack of a better word) details to give context to the skills and capabilities I would bring to your team.

Though my time with Drake— fuck! Fuck. Sorry! Didn’t mean to write Drake. I could backspace and delete that, but you know fucking what? It feels good to type that. It’s like, oh, who’s that one pop star? I know his name. Tip of my tongue. Oh, fuck me! Drake! Lil’ ole Canadian rapper and entrepreneur, now a nominal figurehead for what is projected to be one of the most powerful groups of leaders in the world. I mean, you name ‘em. You think of a fucked-up rich person, and they’ve got their meat hooks in Drake’s carcass and I’ve shaken those hooks like hands.

The shit I’ve seen! You don’t know the half of it. You don’t know at all! I’ve never even said this shit out loud in the privacy of my bathroom or over text or even thought about it. God forgive me for all the suffering I’ve helped put innocent people through. God forgive me for what I had to do to Aubrey.

I don’t think the rich and famous, if they believe their own lies as much as he did, have any real friends, but we got to trusting one another. When he broke into my house, I thought he was my then-girlfriend Gina, but I reached for the other side of the bed and there she was, asleep. So I hopped out of bed and turned the light on and I saw a big dark blob in front of me ‘cause I’d forgot to put my glasses on. I said, “What the fuck are you doing?” and he said my name, all soft like I was the in-the-flesh angel my mother named me after, the way he was so good at making his words gentle and pleading in love songs, and I just broke down crying ‘cause I hadn’t heard that voice in months.

Once I threw my glasses on, I saw he looked like shit, which was surreal. Gone was the manicure and face care. He’d lost a lot of weight but his face was bloated. He was wearing all the same designer clothes as before but he smelled like alleyway. He was crying but when I went in for a hug his face hardened and he punched me in the stomach. Speaking of hardened, you don’t want to know the people I’ve seen with James Harden. Anyway, he hit me and I went down and Gina screamed and called the police. That’s when Aubrey really lost it. 

He thrashed everything onto the floor— tables, dressers, cabinets— then he sounded like he was crying for real and asked where I kept the work documents I’d told him about, licensing agreements and actors’ contracts. I wanted to tell him no, but I just walked into my office, found the key to the drawer and held the folder out to him. It wasn’t fear. It felt like opening the door to a restaurant for your friend as the two of you walk in. I mean, I was going to name my firstborn child after this guy for changing my life. Gina never agreed with that, but Gina and I never had a kid, so it doesn’t matter.

I knew he’d been keeping money from me and the team, that he’d been hiding all sorts of secrets, leveraging dirt on us to other industry players, playing mind games to keep control until he disappeared when the merger was first discussed by the Board. Aubrey was a liability to OVO and the Drake brand, so we kept our careers alive even if he couldn’t do the same for himself. He was an unstable megalomaniac who I knew I’d never see again, so I gave him the papers. I watched him burn them in front of me then drop the ball of fire onto my couch. “We’re free, baby, we’re free,” he said as the red-and-blue lights painted his face.

The cops took him away and the firefighters put out the flames but no one came back to ask us any questions. The patrol car was involved in an accident on the freeway. After the merger, which would’ve finalized whether the B&E by Aubrey had happened or not, my new manager called me to the conference room and informed me that my position as Assistant Coordinator would be phased out as the operation moved forward. I didn’t ask any questions— I was so zonked from pills in those days.

Drugs were how me and Aubrey got close. It’s like I was doubling my dosage to make up for his absence. Jesus, this feels good to write out. To just not stop, to say it all— and that’s not even all of it! I could write books about this shit, but they’d kill me first. I thought they were trying to for a while, what with all the Jehovah’s Witnesses that came by my front door around that time. They’d leave pamphlets in my mailbox about repenting from the Devil twice a week. Business insider magazines, pharmaceutical freebies, pink slips for the car note, notices about soon-ending medical insurance, and Devil letters. 

I couldn’t repent from the Devil. I was the Devil my entire twenties. One time I answered the door and— I mean, I was too fucked up— told the missionary at the door or whatever they call themselves that I would shoot them before they shot me, and I did. Well, I thought I shot them but I’d just thrown up a rocket of tequila and tomato juice onto their shirt. They never rang again but they kept leaving their pamphlets— I wonder what codes of silence they’re bound to.

Anyways, I’ll delete this shit in a second. Just feels good to let it out over a couple drinks. Not good, really. Dumb that I haven’t put it into words before. What I should say in this email is don’t fuck with me, Mr. New Probably Boss, because I will have a goon chop your child’s fucking lips off your face with the push of one button if you so much as cut me in line for the Keurig tomorrow. And if I don’t get your stupid little job I swear to God I will sever yo

Sent from my iPhone

Julián Martinez (he/him) is the son of Mexican and Cuban immigrants and is from Waukegan, IL. His work has appeared or is forthcoming in HAD, Hooligan Mag, Little Engines, The Sonora Review and elsewhere. His chapbook, ThisPlace Is Covered Head to Toe In Shit, is out in August 2024 with Ghost City Press. Find him online @martinezfjulian or martinezfjulian.com, or IRL in Chicago.

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Across The Wire Vol. 3

HI I REMEMBER YOU BUT YOU DON’T REMEMBER ME

By Alexandra Naughton

originally published by Cosmonauts Avenue, November 2017

I tell you it’s okay, and you won’t think it again, but I’ve already filed it away to torture myself with whenever I want to bring myself down a notch. Another little trophy to take home from a plot against myself.

I’ve wanted to disappear, just be nothing. It’s so alluring to feel like nothing and then actually be like nothing, but still be present. Like it’s an ideal, a fiction. It’s only something you can try to do. 

I’m writing out only the parts I like to remember.

I can be nothing, like how I feel at parties: you can see me but I’m not there. Colors and sounds wash over me like I’m miniature, standing inside of a pinball machine feeling lost and everything’s banging around and lighting up and making noise and I keep turning my head to try to keep up like a floating dust particle to focus on.

I can be invisible inside the chattering cacophony of a sweaty crowd, covered in so much, too much. I can block me out and lose me.

I can make my expressions invisible, like friends really don’t even get it, so I try to describe it calmly while getting brushed off and eventually overheating but frozen on the outside like a surprised animal about to get hit by a car that other people talk about and it sounds unbelievable until you see it yourself, until you are that animal in the crosswalk.

You, my new you of the moment, the you who finds me waiting for a friend at a coffee shop, the you who finds me online where I post my thoughts, you tend to like me better when I’m bendable, when I don’t voice preferences. You like me better when I open myself up for your inspection. All laid out on the asphalt, straddling me and wetting yourself in my cold sweat. Asking so many questions, wanting to know things that I don’t. You like poking at my soft parts. Pulling meat out and squishing it in your fingers like plastic wrapped factory bread. Examining me, taking me apart out of curiosity and discarding when it gets too messy and you’re just over it. Starting something you don’t want to finish or put back.

You can shrink me, make me feel small. You can empower yourself that way. Lean on me until you’ve sunken me into the mud and I’m stuck there for a while. Make me invisible that way, that ordinary way you do. That subtle way you do. Make me not know myself, make me lose myself so you can find yourself.

Make everything feel invisible like you’re not as nice as you think you are. So accustomed to taking up space, making yourself loudest. Make me invisible like I made a joke and only you heard me, so you said it louder and everyone laughed. Like this happens so often I wonder if I am even speaking out loud sometimes, start gaslighting myself, under some invisible control. Make me invisible for your satisfaction. It’s a secret, not something you would share.

Make all the efforts of others invisible because it isn’t cool to care but you are still the only one who matters and if you’re unhappy then we’re all unhappy. Waysided because even though I am neglecting what matters to me to better suit you it is still not enough. Getting projected onto. And at first I am happy to be whatever you want me to be. I offer myself up freely, willingly. You ask and I oblige. And I’m happy to, at first. Because I’m not sure what to do besides listen and trust you.

Why make invisible always my first choice, my go to? I guess I’ve always wanted to be a ghost. I guess I’ve always tried to make myself smaller. Make it harder for people to find me.

Make it easier, existing on an at-will basis. Silently watching, listening, wandering around aimlessly, and enjoying it unseen. Easier to slip away.

What am I saying here? Something about commodification of the flesh. Something about finding it customary. Something about being just another bitch who is feeling things.

Is there subtext here? Maybe we should workshop it. Let it become someone else’s text. Edit me out, flesh and all.

Invisible like something insidious. Invisible like destitute. Invisible like displacement. Invisible like disassociation and you think I’m just being dramatic. Invisible and there is no one who can help. Invisible and no one can hear you scream, or they hear but no one looks up. Invisible and you know they can see you, they’re just pretending they can’t.

Invisible and they’re laughing about it.

Alexandra Naughton is the author of ten poetry collections. Her first novel, American Mary, won the 2015 Mainline contest by Civil Coping Mechanisms and was published in 2016. Her work has been featured in Dusie, Sporklet, sin cesar, Maudlin House, carte blanche, and elsewhere. She writes Talk About It on Substack, and organizes the Bring A Blanket reading series in Philadelphia. Find her on instagram @alexandranaughton and twitter @alexandranaught

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Across The Wire Vol. 3

This guy from my court-mandated alcohol classes was on NBC’s The Voice

By Matt Starr

The other night, my in-laws texted my wife: There’s this guy on The Voice from Matt’s hometown. 

They texted his name and age, and my wife asked, “Do you know him?”

I said, “Yeah, I know him.”

I pulled up the clip on Twitter, and sure enough, it was him. Looked a little different but sounded the same. Voice like a rock blanket, smoothing out a stone. Scraping away the rough edges. Not perfect, or really my cup of tea, even, but compelling in its heartfelt way. He was singing a country song.

I don’t watch shows like The Voice, but my understanding of how it goes is this: There are four judges sitting in chairs. They start off with their backs turned to the stage, and a contestant begins singing. If the judges like the voice, they hit a button, and their chair will dramatically turn to face the singer. 

When one of the judges smacked her button about thirty seconds into the number, it was like I was spinning around with her. Back to this bar from my early twenties. The Speakeasy was all wood and old-school fixtures and dim lighting. They’d tell you that was on purpose. To create a warm, nostalgic ambiance, but it was really so we couldn’t see how sad we all were. Maybe you were supposed to feel better drowning your misery at a place that wasn’t suffused in seedy neon, the Prohibition vibes intended to feel classier than, say, the sports bar down the road with its quarter wing nights, swarming flatscreens, and Journey cover bands. I don’t know. I didn’t feel better anywhere.

That night the guy who would later be a contestant on NBC’s The Voice was on this platform they’d fashioned in the front corner of the bar. Growling something or another into the mic. Long hair, highlight-streaked and curly. I’d seen him somewhere, but I couldn’t put my finger on it until he finished his set and ambled over and plopped down on the stool next to me.

We sat beside each other for a few minutes, sipping our beers out of pint glasses, separated by that awkward void in which someone wants to say something but doesn’t know how. I was buzzed, and by buzzed I mean drunk. He broke the silence.

“Do I know you?” 

“I think we take classes together. Over at Genesis.”

“I knew it.” He snapped his fingers and we shared a laugh.

The laugh said: Ain’t it some bullshit that people get away with the things they do every day, but not us, no, we just happened to get caught when we did, and now we have to drag our sorry asses to class at eight o’clock every Saturday morning and fork out sixty bones to hear some poor underpaid social worker read off of a page that has About.com printed across the top, and if we’re lucky, if, at eleven o’clock, after all the group therapy and cigarette breaks, we blow and hum into this tiny plastic box and it comes up goose eggs, we get to come back and do it all over again?

“How’d you wind up here?” I asked, meaning the situation rather than the place. But were they really all that different?

“They got me coming home from a gig. Blew right at the limit. Can’t beat it, huh?”

I shook my head. Pretty standard stuff.

“I don’t know, man,” he continued, looking into the backbar mirror. “My dad’s a preacher. I always felt like I let him down by trying to do music instead of preaching like him. And now this.”

I’m still not sure what I did for him to volunteer this information to a stranger. But in a way, I guess I knew. Sometimes you speak truth into the darkness, hoping it won’t find its way back to the light. Or, that by the time it does, it won’t be the truth anymore.

“What about you?” he asked. 

It hit me in a flash. The abbreviated whoop of the cruiser’s siren at 7:30 in the morning. Saying my ABCs backwards. The bald cop who put me in cuffs. The expression on my mama’s face.

“My dad’s dead,” I said to him.

He nodded. You don’t always have to understand.

On The Voice, across time and space, he finished his audition. Told the judges where he was from. I hit the home button.

If, after all is said and done, on the day of my judgment, if there’s even a God in the first place, if I am faced with the backs of four chairs, surrounded by a constellation of souls, an audience of faceless angels, if I sing about pain and heartache and regret and everything in between, if I belt the words until I am hoarse, if I empty my lungs, will anyone turn to listen?

###


Matt Starr is from North Carolina.

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Across The Wire Vol. 3

The House on Hickory


By Justin Carter

The only time I ever went to Manny’s house, I thought someone was fucking with me. I was out with a couple of the guys and we were trying to find somewhere we could go to smoke some weed, and R.J. suggested Manny’s place. I didn’t really know Manny—he was one of R.J.’s friends out in Newell who he worked with. I’d only met him twice, both times out at this coffee shop that a lot of people frequented. But he had a house and didn’t live with his parents, so that was good enough for us. 

Soon as we pulled into the driveway though, I knew we were making a mistake.

One of the front windows was shattered, part of it covered up with a blue tarp and the rest of it was just hanging open. The garage door was off its hinges. Half the driveway was just trash bags.

“Dude. What the fuck.”

R.J. was unfazed. “A place is a place.” 

We walked right through the unlocked front door and found Manny inside watching the Home Shopping Network on mute and listening to Dragonforce on his phone. He looked at us, nodded, turned back to the television. We just kind of stood there for fifteen seconds.

Manny motioned to the screen. “Y’all ever try one of those air fryer things? Shit looks sweet.”

R.J. laughed and we made our way to the couch. The room was real sparse—a couch that looked like it’d been pulled out of a dumpster, a recliner that was in surprisingly good shape, a coffee table that I’m pretty sure Manny built himself, and then this huge television playing infomercials for cooking equipment. I mean, it was the nicest fucking television set and it was so out of place.

We got high, because that’s what we were there for. At some point Craig, the third guy, left. I guess he must have called someone for a ride. I dunno, he got up to go to the bathroom and never came back. I was too blitzed to really pay attention.

When I smoke too much weed, I do this thing where I just like to wander around, so I did that. Walked in and out of all of Manny’s rooms. And then I opened the door to this spare bedroom in the back of the house. 

And Jesus, I immediately regretted that.

The whole room, every wall, window, even the ceiling, were covered in these sigils drawn with a Sharpie. I mean, there were hundreds of them, and then I looked down and saw this huge pentagram carved into the floor. Fuck. We had to get out of there.

I turned around and Manny was standing right behind me. I screamed. Didn’t mean to, but I couldn’t help it.

“Shit man,” he said. “Didn’t mean to scare you.” I just stood there. He pretty quickly realized what was up. “This shit was like this when I moved in.”

“Oh.” I wasn’t sure I believed him. 

“Yeah, I try to not come in here. It gives me the fucking heebies.”

He took a step toward me. At least I think he did.

“It’s…weird man,” I said.

“Bad vibes, for sure.”

I heard R.J. cough in the other room, but it didn’t sound like a weed cough. We’d shared enough joints for me to know what that sounded like. This one was different. Something was wrong with it, something was wrong with all of this. Manny took another step, or maybe I was the one taking the steps. R.J. coughed again. It sounded wet, like he was choking.

“Is he okay?,” I asked. 

“Why wouldn’t he be?” Another step closer. I looked down and I was standing in the middle of the pentagram. Had I always been? There was one more cough. Another step from Manny. I want to say he was smiling but I was too scared to look at his face.


Justin Carter is the author of Brazos (Belle Point Press, 2024). His short stories have appeared or are forthcoming in BULL, HAD, Passages North, Rejection Letters, and other spaces. Originally from the Texas Gulf Coast, Justin currently lives in Iowa and works as a sports writer and editor.

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Across The Wire Vol. 3

MULTIDIMENSIONAL LOVE IN A LOOK

By Alex Rost

My wife – not the mother of my daughters – told me that when I die, the world will thank me for all the women I left behind.

When my daughters’ mother – not my wife – left me she said, “All you’ll ever do in life is try to drink up an ocean.”

A few sober years later she told me that my drinking was the best thing about me.

Despite what she says, I don’t have a warped sense of self.  Just your standard college degree.

From her, I learned to leave my guilt by the side of the road.  That even those born without ambition accomplish a lifetime.

When my daughter was young, she hid around the house – behind doors, under blankets, in closets – and waited for me to come by, then with a scowl of sincerity she jumped out and screamed, “Huuuuuug!” and threw her body at me with everything she had, wrapped her arms around my neck and dangled there like a baby sloth until her arms gave out.  These were called hug attacks.

Sometimes, she lay in wait for ten, fifteen minutes.  Silent and poised and patient.  I wondered how she’d treat men, how men would treat her, how she’d allow herself to be treated.  What the word ‘romance’ would mean to her.

One day, I came walking through the kitchen doorway and heard her blood curling war cry.

“Huuuuuuuuug!”

She caught me by surprise.  I jumped, stutter stepped.  

She leapt off the kitchen counter, hurled her little body at me before I could recover from my shock.  I felt her hands grasp at my neck, miss their hold.  I threw my arms out and caught air.  She bounced off me and crashed into the open dishwasher.

She was fine.  The dishwasher was not.

I could feel a little pop in the hinges when the door closed.  I tried to run it.  A tiny trickle of water came from the bottom.  Nothing crazy.  I stuffed a towel under it, satisfied that it could have been worse, and left the room.

A few minutes later I heard excitement from the kitchen.  Horseplay.  Then a scream.

“Daaaaaad!”

I rushed in.  Two of my daughters were on their stomachs, sliding across the tiled floor through a river of foaming suds.  My oldest, the one who hollered for me, stood above them pointing at the mayhem.  

She learned the devastation of misplaced water the summer before, when a toy clogged running toilet brought a waterfall to the downstairs bedroom.  I made sure to remind her often while I hauled out the soggy mattress, ripped up warped floorboards, replaced moldy drywall.

“This is what water can do,” I said.  

“THIS is what water can do,” I said.

Over and over.

I told my daughters that when they turned eighteen, they should each expect a bill for what they destroyed.

It will go like – 

Acrylic painted TV……………………….… $350

Gas tank filled with hose water………………$820

Tennis racket to sister’s eye/eleven stitches…..$380

Laptop cleaned in tub…………………….….$400

Hidden milk cache spilled under bed………..$650

I’m still working on it.

I learned through my wife – not the mother of my daughters – that time can and will stand still.  That a moment can be multidimensional.  That an emotion can tear down the walls of reality.

Because there are no supposed to bes.  All is chaos.  All is beautiful.

Alex Rost runs a commercial printing press in a small shop outside of Buffalo, NY and writes most of his stories on break behind the dumpster. Twitter is @arost154

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Across The Wire Vol. 3

HENRY MILLER SAVED MY LIFE

By Mather Schneider

When I was 30 years old, my grandfather died and left me 6,000 dollars. Never having had more than 500 dollars at one time, I went a little nuts. I quit my job at the collection agency and broke up with my girlfriend, telling her “I just want to stay home and write, that’s all I want to do.” Which wasn’t true. I also wanted to drink and smoke pot and get call girls to come over.  

In 3 months, the money was almost gone and I was miserable and eating beans and eggs and wondering what I was going to do. I’d written a few crappy stories, got an std, blew the engine out in my car and developed a case of the alcoholic shakes. I needed to drink a 12 pack before I could even leave the house. My right eye was completely red from blood vessels that had ruptured while vomiting. 

I regretted having left my girlfriend, and tried to reconcile with her. I made a fool of myself in email after email and phone call after phone call. One day she told me, If you really wanted me back, you would come to my house and try to convince me. She told me if I really wanted her back I needed to “act like a boy scout”. She was dead serious. I had very little pride, but one thing I did have pride in, without knowing why, was that I’d never be a boy scout.

Before I got the 6,000 dollars, I was already thinking about leaving her. 5 years earlier, we had moved to Tucson together from Bellingham, Washington, where we’d met. Her parents lived in Phoenix and she wanted to be closer to them. As long as we don’t see them too often, I told her. Oh, no, she said. Once-in-a-while maybe. 2 months after we moved to Tucson, as if unplanned, her parents moved to Tucson. They were good people. Irish upper middle class. A comfortable, sober, loving, normal family, the kind of family that I never quite understood and felt I could never be a part of. They gave me the heebie-jeebies. After that, every single weekend was spent with my girlfriend’s parents. Before I broke up with her, her parents were planning a trip to Disneyland. For all of us. The thought of this trip to Disneyland haunted me for weeks. It terrified me, kept me up at night. I could not imagine myself going to Disneyland.  

Then a week before we were to go, I got that 6,000 dollars. I never did find out how their trip to Disneyland went.

After the last email to my ex, I decided I never should have come to Tucson and wanted to go back to Bellingham. I wanted to wander, to run away, to escape. I threw all my belongings into the yard of the tiny apartment I rented and had a yard sale. I didn’t sell much and the next day I left it all laying out there. I put a sign that said FREE and got on a Greyhound bus heading to Bellingham. I still knew some people in Bellingham but I didn’t tell anyone I was coming. I made a sack full of bean burritos. I had a backpack with some clothes and a notebook, a pouch of rolling tobacco and 100 dollars. I cried as the bus left town. Stupid, self-pitying tears.

It had been 5 years since I’d left the rainy northwest for the desert and when I stepped off the bus the greenery, high trees, low skies, humidity and gentrification made me immediately claustrophobic. I thought, this is not right. Another mistake. The place had changed. I walked down to one of my old bars. It had been called The Beaver Inn but they had changed the name to “The Uptown.” The same bartender was there but he didn’t recognize me. He looked the same but I had aged a lot. You couldn’t smoke inside anymore. I ordered their famous fried chicken which had soothed me through many hangovers in the years past. The chicken now cost twice as much as before and was half as big. A side of ranch dressing was now an extra 50 cents. I got wasted sitting there for hours, feeling isolated and alone with my backpack on the floor at my feet. Eventually, the bartender asked me to leave.

I woke up in a nearby park in the early morning and vomited. I was suddenly ravenous again. One of the things I missed about Bellingham was the food. The fish and chips at The Waterfront Tavern, the French Dip at The Alley Bar, the bagels at the Bagelry, the pizza at Mario’s. I checked my funds. I had 50 dollars left.

A guy on the bus had told me of a bank scam. Some banks will let you overdraw your account, he said. I went down to the bank and opened a bank account with my 50 dollars. I still had my old driver’s license from when I lived there and used that for credentials. I waited a few hours and went to an ATM and tried to withdraw 500. It worked!

Before I’d arrived in Bellingham I had looked forward to seeing some of my old friends. Now, I didn’t want to see anyone I knew. As I walked around I was paranoid I would see an old acquaintance. The park where I had passed out was near an old friend’s place but I didn’t knock on the door. I walked down to the nearest store and bought a bottle of whiskey.

I spent the day wandering around. The town was all cleaned up. The China Delight Bar was now an ice cream shop. All the Indian bars were gone. Some hippies and grunge rockers were still around but they were better dressed than I remembered, certainly better dressed than me. It was all extremely fashionable, like an outdoor mall. Business was booming. People were working, living their lives, hobnobbing. Nothing out of place. Everyone seemed to belong. It felt good to have that money in my pocket but I still felt like a stranger and had a bad feeling about everything.

At 11 a.m., right when they opened, I went into The Alley Bar and ordered French Dip. The place looked the same and smelled the same. They roasted their own meat and the sandwich was just as wonderful as I had remembered, though more expensive. I began to feel some hope.

“Well if it isn’t Matt Glasford!”

I turned in my barstool and it was my old friend Dave Longstreet. He sat down.

“What’s going on Dave?”

“Haven’t seen you in a long time! Shit, you’re getting kind of fat and gray aren’t you? I hardly recognized you.”

Dave was 10 years older than me but he still had that cherub face and rich black hair.

“Yeah, I guess I am.” 

“Where you been?”

“Arizona.”

“Arizona? You don’t look very tan.”

“I had an indoor job.”

He caught me up on a lot of people I hadn’t thought about and didn’t care about.

“Hey, Dave, you wouldn’t be able to loan me a few bucks?”

“I’m kind of strapped right now, man.You gonna be in town long?”

“Not real sure.”

“All right, well take care of yourself.”

“You too.”

Before he left he bought me a beer. I drank that and had a few more but I couldn’t stay in there all day and spend all my money. I walked out into the cloudy, misty afternoon. I walked up the hill through the university to the library. It wasn’t planned that way, I just ended up there. It was summer, did I mention that? Summer vacation, but the library was still open. It was open 24 hours, in fact. There was hardly anybody in there and I thought it was about the nicest place I’d ever been. I fancied myself a writer but I really wasn’t much of a writer. I wasn’t much of anything. Still, I had read a great deal of books. But I had never stepped foot in a University library. 

When I lived in Bellingham I hung out at the public library and a couple of bookstores that let you lounge around. And in Tucson I had done the same. Something always scared me about a college campus.

I went up to the 4th floor where the “literature” was. I was the only one on the whole floor. I guess there weren’t any literature majors going to summer school. They were probably all working on their novels. I was so sick of books and reading by that point. So few books really touched me, really talked to me. It all seemed like a pastime, reading novels and writing novels and talking about novels, being that way. Still, I didn’t know where else to go. The fourth floor was absolutely silent and surreal and peaceful. I found a big soft chair and plopped my backpack on the floor and sat looking out the giant windows. I sipped from my bottle of whiskey. It started to rain against the glass and I watched the drops run down. Below on the brick plaza a few students walked around.

I fell asleep and when I woke up it was early evening, not quite dark. I was still the only one around. I got up and went to the bathroom. I looked terrible in the mirror. I hardly recognized myself. I had dark circles under my eyes and I was bloated and sad looking. I had bug bites all over me. My hair was a rat’s nest and more than half gray. My teeth were yellow. I looked at least 50.

As down as I had been, I never really considered killing myself. Until that moment. I thought of Hemingway and how he’d done it. I thought of Hunter S. Thompson and how he always said that suicide was a comforting thought for him. He said that just knowing he could end his life at any time made it easier. Thompson had a lot of guns, but I didn’t. If I was going to kill myself, how? Jumping from a building didn’t seem very appealing, nor did drowning in the ocean. I didn’t have any pills or know how to find any. I could slit my wrists, but that never seemed to work. Someone would always find you and call an ambulance. It seems silly now, looking back. But not then. I thought about a guy I knew who lay down on the train tracks in Tucson.

I scanned the shelves as I walked back towards my chair by the window. I smirked, looking at all those books. Thousands of them! It seemed like a joke, a maze, a nightmare. I wasn’t looking for anything in particular, except maybe a way out. I had some favorite authors but I’d read them all and didn’t feel like reading them again. And then, I swear to you, I saw a book sticking halfway out from the shelf. This sounds made-up but it’s not. I’ve never been able to make shit up, never had much imagination. I pulled the book out and it was Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller. I knew of Miller but had never read him. I’m not sure how I missed him all those years.

I took Tropic of Cancer to my chair and read the whole thing well into the night. Nobody came to bother me. The lights stayed on. Almost every word I read seemed written just for me at that moment. The fact that a human being like this had existed, had written these words, was a revelation. His poverty he somehow made hysterical, his travails seemed predestined and purposeful, his energy contagious, his optimism like a balm. In the following days I only left the library to smoke and to buy food and bottles of whiskey. Henry Miller talked about food a lot and it made me hungry. After going days without eating, he would find some rich guy to treat him to a great meal. He was always hungry. And how he would describe those meals! And the wine! Never get bored, never take anything for granted. People say words like this all the time, but somehow Henry Miller made me feel it. He meant it. He knew it and lived it.

I gathered all the Henry Miller books they had. I read one after the other. Was it possible that this man was born in 1891? Was it possible that he had abandoned his family, quit his job and traveled across the ocean to a strange city where he knew no one, where he did not even know the language? Was it possible he arrived with 10 dollars and survived? And not only survived, but wrote these miraculous books? Was it possible he met all these crazy, brilliant people? Was it possible he traveled around the states and wrote The Air Conditioned Nightmare? Was it possible he lived in Big Sur and dragged his mail up the hill to his house wearing nothing but a jock strap?

Why does everyone have to work? he said. Yes, yes, yes! I thought. Why? No hope, no despair, he said. I had known that Miller had the reputation of being a smut writer, but the sex was hardly 10 percent of it. His zest for life, in such ridiculous conditions, blew my mind. And here I was, depressed! Why in the fuck was I depressed? I was sick and Henry Miller was the medicine.

He seemed like a free man. His writing was certainly freer than anyone I had ever read before, his attitude also. He seemed above shame, above pettiness. He seemed wise. But also fun, and no dope. He was a man who had had all his values smashed, and he embraced it, he rejoiced in it. He said, yes. Maybe he was a lunatic. If he was a lunatic he was the sanist lunatic I had ever encountered. 

I read every one of his books in the library. When I got done with those I found the old tape room down in the basement and I listened to old audio recordings and even watched some videotapes. There he was! The grinning swordsman! In one interview he was talking about a book called Siddhartha by Herman Hesse. I immediately found that book in the library and read it. I suddenly understood what Miller meant when he said, “There’s two Buddhas, see? Two Buddhas!” One was the classic Buddha, the archetype, the godhead. And the other was Siddhartha, the one searching. Which was to say, the Buddha that is in everyone. The Buddha that is you. The Buddha that is me.

He claimed to never worry about anything. He was beyond good and evil. And man I wanted to be there too.

I stayed in that library for 3 weeks. It rained every day. I read several books that Miller had mentioned, and some were good, but none measured up to what I had found in him, so I decided it was time to move on. When I left, I knew I had to go back to Tucson. I thought about going to another country, like Miller, but I didn’t have the guts or any boat to hitch a ride on. I was still drinking heavily, but I felt a change in myself. It was a sense of life opening up. The idea of killing myself suddenly seemed absurd. 

I barely had enough money for the bus ticket back to Tucson. I arrived in the middle of the night and slept in a park. The desert air was intoxicating. In the morning the sprinklers were on me. I called my ex-girlfriend on a payphone. I was ecstatic, but I still needed money. I asked her for 100 dollars, and she said no. She made 69 thousand dollars a year at the insurance job her brother had got her, but she wouldn’t give me 100 dollars. I understood. I even laughed. I understood that she was still hurt, that she didn’t owe me anything. But I also understood that she had never missed a wink of sleep or a meal in her life. I went to the economic security office and got a food stamp card which provided me with 50 dollars of food every week. I spent the next few weeks buying cheap food and hanging out in the park. I had no money for beer or whiskey. Those were some of the best days I’ve ever had and I will always look back fondly on them.

One day I was walking down the sidewalk and I saw a HELP WANTED sign on the door of a photo lab. This was before all the cell phone photos, when film had to be developed. I went inside and filled out an application. I wrote “writer” on the job history part. The manager was there, and he read it, and it turned out he was also a “writer.” He asked who my favorite writer was and without hesitation I said, Henry Miller. His eyes lit up. Henry Miller was his favorite writer, too! I am not lying about any of this. His name was Jeremy. He hired me and we remained friends for years.

With my first 2 paychecks I found the smallest, cheapest apartment studio available. 200 dollars a month. I had no computer, no typewriter. The cheapest typewriter I could find was 100 dollars at Office Depot, but I didn’t have enough.

I hadn’t been to a bar or had a drink in weeks. One day I passed an old dive bar, The Buffet Tavern. I had spent many days and nights in there. There was no buffet in the Buffet Tavern. It was a buffet of people, they said. The only food they had were hot dogs boiled in a crock pot. The most mouth-watering hot dogs you ever tasted! They opened at 6 a.m. and had a small crowd even at that hour. I had a few bucks in my pocket and I stepped up to the door. It was mid-afternoon. Before I could open the door, I saw something on the ground, blown by the wind up against the old concrete block wall. It was a 100-dollar bill. I took that money and held it up to the sun. I looked around for a minute. Then I walked over to OFFICE DEPOT and bought the last typewriter they had in stock, a Smith Corona.

I got back to my apartment and plugged it in. I had no typing paper so I put in some yellow lined notebook paper and sat looking at it. I must have written 12,000 words that night. All bad, all lost, but I didn’t care. It didn’t matter.  

When I got tired sometime in the early morning, I made myself a quesadilla. A quesadilla with yellow cheese, sour cream and tomato salsa. I don’t think I’ve ever eaten such a satisfying meal. I kept thinking about Henry Miller. Every once in a great while an author comes around like that, if you’re lucky. If you don’t believe in it, I’m here to tell you. It seemed there were Buddhas all about me, and they were all laughing with delight.

END

Mather Schneider’s poetry and prose have been published in many places since 1995. He has several books of poetry, one book of stories and his first novel, The Bacanora Notebooks, was recently released by Anxiety Press. He lives in Tucson and works as an exterminator.

Categories
Across The Wire Vol. 3

Evidence I’m Mentally Ill

By Tyler Dempsey

When I was in eighth grade I got so depressed I was delusional, convinced everyone at school knew how terribly unhappy I was but they were all pretending they didn’t. But, every now and then, someone would give me a look or a smile and, in that moment, I knew they knew.

I carry my stress around in my stomach, always have. When I was a teenager, I’d have diarrhea or vomit on a weekly or daily basis. Despite owning no money or health insurance my mom took me to the doctor. The doctor sent us home with a plastic container that I had to scoop diarrhea out of the toilet into so they could send it to a lab somewhere. The results were inconclusive. 

I used to fantasize in bed about my stepdad’s gun cabinet glowing on the other side of the wall. Thinking of the act, or the word “suicide” would start me hyperventilating. I would desperately try to redirect my mind elsewhere before the thing that had power over me reached a point that was irreversible. 

I didn’t know if the depression was a result of my circumstances so much as a byproduct of violence and anger that lived in me but tried so hard to hide. The effort of hiding was causing it to consume me. When I was fifteen, I had a moment during a night like so many other nights where I heard my stepfather yelling at my mom, calling her names. But this time I broke. The anger and other feelings wouldn’t stay back. They oozed and my body convulsed and when it was over it felt like my brain was emptied of electricity. Like everything that used to be the thing or person that was Tyler Dempsey had left. I was a shell that looked like me. I call what happened that night a panic attack but actually have no idea what it was. 

A week later, I experienced my first auditory hallucination. It’s hard to describe, but a voice that was both in my ear and also outside whispered like a scream. What did it whisper? Tyler. It said my name. What’s more, the voice was one I recognized. It was Joe Tiger. A friend in grade school that wasn’t my friend anymore. I’d said something that made him mad and he never got over it. It made me sad that he had been a part of this really scary thing. Like fear wasn’t enough, whatever it was wanted to hurt me, too. 

When I was in college, more things happened that made me wonder if I was, just maybe, insane. The last day of Freshman year my best friend, Brendan, and I drove to Denton, Texas, for a Pinback concert. It was late getting back. Brendan took backroads and it was raining extremely hard, the sky opening and the wipers fighting but you could barely see the road or our weak headlights. A burst of lightning hit and something very small appeared in the center of the windshield, then expanded, then expanded more, then took over the whole frame. It was veiny and a shade of brown I’ve never seen before or since. It didn’t splatter into the glass but simply vanished as quickly as it appeared. Again, just rain and wipers. Brendan said, “Did you see that?” 

Fast forward to Sophomore year. We’re living in the dorms, Brendan and I, one wing apart from each other. We start having dreams. Cryptic, demonic kinds. I started hearing what sounded like a pool ball dropped on the floor of the dorm above me, rolling into the corner the whole building slanted toward. But no one lived in that room. No one lived in the whole wing actually, except me. Another time it sounds like something very, very large, running full speed, ducked its shoulder and tried to burst down my door. But you know dorms, it’s just one long hall with room after room in a line. There’s only the width of the hallway, no way something could get a running start like that. I eventually worked up the nerve and looked but nothing was there. Brendan watched a black thing with long arms walk across his room into his closet. A week later it visited me. I was in bed with my back against the wall facing a window that faced the streetlight. The light flickered and slowly went out. Then my vision distorted. I felt suddenly, irrationally terrified. I realized I couldn’t move. Then it walked into my peripheral vision. Tall, black arms, everything black. It lifted one arm and pointed out the window. Then, just as unexplainably as it appeared, it was gone. Things like this continued till one day my phone rang. The ID said “Brendan.” I picked up and there was a silence so heavy and somehow, I knew exactly what he was going to say, then he said it. “My brother killed himself.” All of the weird stuff stopped after that. 

Fast forward some more, a year after my brother was arrested, I got really, really into smoking weed. I lived in California and had this bong as tall as I was. On occasion, I’d get super stoned and different parts of my body would spasm. Kind of like what I’ve read about restless leg syndrome, but it was restless everything. Around that time, I had my second, and, up until now, last auditory hallucination. Again, a voice I knew. It was a previous stepbrother I hadn’t thought of in years. This is what he said: Tyler. In a whisper, just like last time. I didn’t tell you this when I mentioned Joe Tiger, but each time, two months after they said my name, in real life, that person died. Joe was in a car with a friend who’d been drinking and they clipped a guardrail on a bridge on some backroad. My stepbrother, Colton, was caught robbing a convenience store. The details get fuzzy, but somehow a cop shot him. Poof. Gone. 

Speaking of spasming, I quit doing it after Colton whispered my name, but one time—this was just a few years ago—I was coming home from a strip club with my friend and he told me something he’d never told anyone but his parents. The jist was: my life could have been irrevocably fucked if we hadn’t had the financial means to fight my way through court. I sat in the passenger seat and he caught himself, and said, “Shit, man, sorry, I didn’t even think about your brother…” but it was too late. Once again it was like a dam in my mind broke. Thoughts and feelings were suddenly flooding out and I started shaking. By the time we got to his apartment it was done but I could barely walk. I sat on his couch like my body and mind were a huge sponge that had gotten wrung out. That feeling continued, accompanied by growing depression and a fear it would happen again. Eventually, it was like the sponge filled back up. Life once again came at me faster than I could process. I never did get that checked out.

Tyler Dempsey is the author of three books and host of Another Fucking Writing Podcast. He lives in Utah with his dog.

Categories
Across The Wire Vol. 3

Two Poems

By Scott Neuffer

Trip: NYC, 2023

I will say on the plane over I saw elevators
descending in passengers’ eyes.
I will say when I saw the Empire State Building
it was pointed in the gray light like a compass needle—
if only I were built stiff enough for that sky.
I will say at the Met, the Monets were less than lustrous?

What’s most real in New York are the lurches
between bricks, the way a corner splits
sense,
sewer steam, snuffed ass,
the ache of the unfeted. 

In dusk I come to 83rd Street, metal bench.
Crouched hand to ear, I assume it’s blood running
through my head that makes a gritty sound,
and I wonder if every person also shudders
at the thunder of their own blood.

I will find my way back to you, I believe.
There is a world where we listen to each other;
it lies at the bottom of the poem. 

Pondering the Art of Poetry during Super Bowl LVII 

We didn’t host the party this year;
a broken patio chair sits against the house.
In a friend’s neighborhood to the north, where the river touches
the desert and grows the Northern Nevada Correctional Center,

I sit in a luxury chair and dream of mass transit 
that took the copywriter from Brooklyn to Manhattan 
for thirty seconds of gloss, their million-dollar slot–
but something is off, human.
Maybe before the game the copywriter had a moment
pulling a snake of hair from their apartment sink
and sink from drain in a miraculous fit bruising the drywall.
Maybe it was enough to remember how ink can bleed on the page.

It’s funny how I am not alone but want to be alone
as the TV commercials glow like radiation, 
and the prison windows gleam like half-decisions.
Inside me is something like ice on fire, primal, without ink, 
conjuring words to stay lined up dancing in the air. 

Scott Neuffer is a writer who lives in Nevada with his family. He’s also the founding editor of the literary journal trampset.

Categories
Across The Wire Vol. 3

B L A C K  A U R A

By Bill Whitten

A Georg Jorgenson retrospective is at the Whitney. Georg has been dead for almost twenty years. Among the two-dozen paintings on display is one called Disancorato – Georg’s only known portrait – wherein a pair of disheveled brunettes with brown eyes and insolent faces stare at the floor. I am (or was) the young man in the torn t-shirt and filthy blue-jeans while the young woman in tattered bra and panties was Georg’s sister-in-law, Carolina. The painting is valued at 3.5 million dollars. On the other side of death, Georg’s ambivalence about success has become irrelevant. 

I was reading the Autobiography of Benvenuto Cellini on the F train when a man seated across from me remarked that Cellini, an embezzler, rapist and murderer, differed from contemporary artists only in the fact that he was honest. 

At least, I’d responded, Cellini hadn’t collaborated with the Nazis like Picasso. We exited the train together at the Broadway-Lafayette stop and as if predetermined by fate, entered the nearby Bleeker St. Bar to drink beer.

We discussed the use of the camera obscura by Brunelleschi, the type of motorcycle Antonio Ligabue drove and a film I’d recently seen called Accion Mutante, about disabled terrorists bent on exterminating beauty from the world.

He nodded his head as he lifted a pint of Guinness. “Terrorists and governments despise beauty; it’s too destabilizing for a controlled society.”

Georg Jorgenson was a 6’5” redheaded Max von Sydow lookalike, a graduate of Yale, a boxer of some talent and a reckless alcoholic. A person to be feared in certain situations. He behaved like an aristocrat, like someone without problems or cares who’d grown up surrounded by servants, which as far as I knew wasn’t the case. Fifteen years older than me, he was not only a painter but had designed and fabricated the black shoes, shirt and pants he wore like a uniform. 

I was a rock musician living in Soho amid the ruins of the ’80’s art bubble and had met enough of its former fantastically prosperous denizens – while plying the trade of art-handler/furniture mover – to have cultivated a genuine hatred for artists and the art-world. Georg, I discovered, was no different; he looked down on his fellow artists and considered his collectors – those who occupied the commanding heights of the capitalist class – to be among the worst people on the planet. He understood that the very same cohort who bought his art and kept him in whiskey and cocaine were responsible for despoiling the environment, mercilessly exploiting the working class and more or less destroying Western civilization. But Georg – an avowed hypocrite – needed to make a living. 

I thought his technically masterful canvasses lacked the visceral punch of his personality; they seemed to turn a cool, blank face to the world. That was the influence of Georg’s hero, Lucien Freud. Unlike Freud, Georg’s interventions were devoid of anything resembling a human subject, instead they presented the ghostly interiors of abandoned, uninhabited mansions that were populated by obscure ’70’s architectural motifs and occult pop-culture references. Georg claimed the inspiration for his paintings derived from his drug-fueled career as a teenaged house-breaker in Ridgefield, Connecticut. As the leader of a circle of young friends inspired by Charles Manson’s ‘creepy crawling’ expeditions (in middle of the night the Family would enter a house, quietly rearrange the furniture and then leave) he’d become addicted to nocturnal breaking and entering. To Georg, the vacant structures in his paintings ultimately reflected the architecture of the cosmos, which according to his bleak, clinically depressed worldview, was empty. The Creator – deus absconditus – was long gone.

When Georg suddenly jetted off to Italy with a fellowship and teaching position at the American Academy – due in no small part to the influence of his new (third) wife, the daughter of an Italian diplomat – we carried on our friendship via airmail. He often sent me hastily scrawled, telegram-like notes – I SHALL DERIVE MY EMOTIONS SOLELY FROM THE ARRANGEMENT OF SURFACES – or pornographic sketches made on copies of the Coriere della Sera. 

Returning to my apartment on Broome Street one evening after work, I found a postcard in my mailbox: I’M SICK OF ITALY. EVERYONE IS FIVE FOOT SIX IN THIS FUCKING COUNTRY. COME AS SOON AS YOU CAN. 

I arrived at Georg’s doorstep in Monteverde Vecchio in a white taxicab. I carried a brown leather suitcase that had belonged to my grandfather. In the bright morning light the neighborhood looked forgotten, even abandoned. Its occupants were either still sleeping or at work. I rang the doorbell and five minutes elapsed before Georg finally opened the door.

Georg’s studio – scattered with requisite rags, canvasses stacked in piles or leaning against walls, sheets of paper covered with half finished charcoal sketches, stalagmite piles of newspapers and magazines, broken charcoal sticks, brown paper bags scribbled with words or images, overturned chairs and stools, rat and mouse droppings, hoghair paintbrushes, a photo of Gabriele D’Annunzio torn from a magazine and nailed to a wall, saucers full of pigment, empty coffee cups, unstretched canvasses – was formerly a bicycle factory.

  “Look at me, I have Cushing’s Syndrome; I’m in the same frame of mind as Che Guevara when he went to Bolivia and got himself killed by the CIA. Have you ever seen pictures of him from that period? Moon-faced with a psychotic glint in his eyes? That’s me baby, that’s what I see whenever I look in the fucking mirror. A black aura is hanging over me.”

Shirtless and bearded in a paint-spattered, unzipped white boiler-suit with the arms tied around his waist, he took a step back from a canvas, paint brush dangling from his limp wrist, shoulders hunched, head bowed, looking like Bill Walton just after completing a free throw. The painting was of a chest X-ray. Instead of alveoli and bronchiole there were nebulae, white dwarfs and strands of sidereal light. Behind every image is another image that is more faithful to reality and behind that another image even more faithful.

‘Painter’, I’d come to understand, was a magnetic category. Painters were monks or criminals, eunuchs or satyrs. Paintings were a sacrificial offering that implied the inevitable destruction of their author or a non-stop celebration of the self from which there was no escape… 

Georg looked as if he’d gained fifty pounds since I’d last seen him and his face had indeed taken on a moon-like countenance. Bruises, some yellowish, some blue were distributed across his torso like countries on a map. Ghastly pale with little splotches of red beneath each cheekbone he walked across the studio to a gigantic mahogany desk piled high with books, magazines and videotapes. He sat down behind the desk, opened a drawer, pulled out a mirror and then opened another drawer, removed a foil packet and dumped a pile of iridescent whitish powder on the mirror. Sighing, he rose from the desk and carried it to me.

“I get my drugs from a former member of the Brigate Rosse, a real fucking mensch. When I was in better health we used to shoot his machine-guns together.”

“What’s wrong with you Georg? What happened?” I held the mirror in my hand and looked around for somewhere to put it. I didn’t feel like snorting cocaine. Hungry and thirsty, I suddenly remembered that in Georg’s presence I became a lesser person, a sidekick, an underling. With any two friends, one is always the slave of the other.

Georg walked back to his easel, picked up his brush. “I have Sarcoidosis – something usually only blacks and Scandinavians get, I mean what a mindfuck – its in my lungs, it’s in my eyes and its even gone to my brain. The same disease killed Thomas Bernhard, maybe Gide too. Usually it’s a manageable chronic illness. My case is different. I’m supposed to be treating it with 50mgs of prednisone everyday single day…but it drives me mad, madder than I already am and it makes me violent. It was a rational choice on Alessandra’s part to leave me. Perhaps, when I eventually return to the hospital, after they’ve given me Last Rites, she might stop by…” 

Nothing is so unbelievable as exact truth spoken in a calm voice.

“What a nightmare.” 

I found it difficult to look into his bloodshot eyes. His personality seemed to have expanded along with his bloated body; he was somehow more Georg-like than he’d ever been before. What was the opposite of apotheosis

“You must be seriously jet-lagged, Robert. Snort a line of the coke. It’ll sort you out, cheer you up.” 

I looked down at the mirror. “When did she leave?”

Georg began to cough, a long series of dry sounding, lung-scraping coughs. Red-faced, out of breath, he spoke in short, halting bursts: “You don’t…understand…I am a prisoner here…like the man in the…iron mask…She’s waiting for me to die…Prays for it…You know…how… Italians…are…about…divorce.” 

“Come back to New York with me. They have the best doctors in the world.” 

Georg walked back to the desk and pulled out a pack of Lucky Strikes, removed a silver Zippo from a pocket of his boilersuit, flicked it open and lit a cigarette. He exhaled smoke through his nose and smiled. He seemed to breathe easier. “I’m totally broke Robert. I have huge gambling debts. You can’t imagine how much money I’ve simply thrown away. I can’t stop working. And even then I can’t paint fast enough to cover my losses.”

“What can I do to help you Georg?”

“There’s a painting I need to make. It would be of you and my teenaged sister-in-law. The inspiration comes from a photo of Belmondo and Seberg. I don’t do portraits so this might be dicey but there is a dealer who has…who has…made a kind of bet with me that I can’t do it. A huge bet. Tomorrow, you and Carolina will sit for me.”

…Later that evening, we walked up Monte Testaccio, the eighth hill of Rome and one of the world’s most famous middens. Monte Testaccio was formed entirely from broken, discarded amphorae (something like 25,000,000 of them) between 50 and 270 AD. Georg wanted me to see the spectacle of Roma at night – the Pantheon, the Castel Sant’angelo, St. Peter’s, the San Carlo al Corso Church, Santa Maria Maggiore – from the vantage point of an ancient trash heap.

Cold winter wind blowing off the nearby Tiber, we crawled through a hole in a chain-link fence and followed an overgrown path up a slight incline. Above us, the bright machinery of the Roman sky. It seemed that the point of my trip to Italy was to reinforce my belief that things could go wrong at any moment and artists made their best work when they were on the brink of extinction. 

Ancient pottery sherds crunching beneath our feet, nightbirds spreading their sound around us, Georg, his words punctuated by gasps, spoke of exile: “I don’t really miss New York, you understand, but I do miss my memories which were left behind in the subways, on the sidewalks, on the facades of tenements…”

“You can go back, Georg. You’re not going to die.”

Georg pulled a handkerchief from a pocket of his tweed jacket and wiped his mouth. “Exile must be accepted in the same way a terminal illness must be accepted; graciously, without defiance or shame.”

He stopped and coughed for forty seconds. Then he pointed his chin at the Eternal City: “If Emperor Julian had remembered to put on his breastplate that morning in Ctesiphon, the first moon landing would have taken place in 1342.” 

A voice rang out. “You are trampling on the dust of empires!”

  We turned toward the voice. It came from a wraithlike figure – a girl – backlit by the glowing city. Tall with brown hair that fell in straight lines from beneath a black felt beret, she wore a black cape and under that a man’s black suit and white shirt. Was she an apprentice waiter fired after her first day of work? A child refugee fleeing a war-zone? 

  When she smiled her sharp white teeth protruded slightly.

“Carolina, this is Robert.”

A new painting is like an animal glimpsed at the edge of the forest. Is the painter the hunter or the prey? If he has courage, the painter will dissolve into the painting, he will – in an act of faith – become it and live in the ecstasy of that trembling moment of dissolution.

And thus at dawn on a somber day in December, Georg positioned our bodies before his easel and painted us with paintbrushes as fine as eyelashes.

  “Think of yourself as hostages not subjects.” 

Carolina, who smelled – like all beautiful women – of cigarettes and dirty hair, sat on my lap. She wore tattered black underwear of unknown provenance that had been procured by Georg. They are clean was all Georg would divulge. 

I wore a white tank top with slashes across the chest and ripped blue jeans that were stiff with black paint and automotive grease. 

“I distrust anything that hasn’t been weathered or worn out.”

For most of the day Carolina and I barely spoke to each other which was what we both knew Georg wanted; any rapport or complicity would have excluded him or set us against his project which was to put onto canvas an image or shadow of a dream.

  “Seeing is the paradise of the soul.”

Occasionally, Carolina would rise and pace around the studio. She’d pull on an old Russian greatcoat, walk over to Georg, take the cigarette from his hand and smoke it. 

I’d wander over to Georg’s desk and try to read from a paperback copy of Borges’ The Aleph, in particular The Circular Ruins which seemed to be an allegory of exactly what was happening in Georg’s studio. 

“Illness is servitude.”

After nine or ten hours Georg began coughing and cursing simultaneously then picked up a Ka-Bar knife and seemed ready to slash the canvas. Not long after, he announced that it was finished.

“We’ll go for drinks now. I have unlimited credit at The Tomb of Cestis. Come on.”

In The Tomb – the ceilings were so low we practically had to crouch – a man in a tracksuit and shaved head led us (come Giorgio) to a tiny, dirty room that was empty except for a round cafe table and four plain wooden saloon chairs. He left a bottle of Liquore Strega and three glasses. 

A single dangling light bulb lit the space. On one wall was a poster of Maradonna, on the other a framed reproduction of Parmigianino’s Bardi Altarpiece.

The room smelled of bleach, sweat, shit, piss and Lysol.

Georg sat, chest heaving, gasping for air.  

  I was becoming smaller and smaller to the point of vanishing completely. Mingled with galloping fear, I felt a kind of ecstasy. The Rome I encountered was entirely made from this fear, this ecstasy. It was like a stage set. Everything meaningful had been undermined, destabilized. When I closed my eyes, images of earthquake, plague, riot, fire, mobs of people flickered before me. 

Carolina drank two glasses of Strega and leaned her head against my shoulder. A woman – early sixties, five feet tall with black eyes, steel grey hair and the demeanor of someone resigned to face a firing squad at some point in the near future – entered the room and placed three bottles of Peroni on the table. 

  To know what something is, we need time to recognize it, thus we always miss when it happens. Conversely, if we want to know when something happens, there’s no time left to say what it was. 

When Georg finally slid from his chair to the floor, I could at last comprehend the situation. 

The onset of horror has something fresh about it; it shines, it clarifies.

The ambulance arrived twenty minutes after Carolina ran screaming from the room. Then we were hurtling through the narrow, dark and beautiful streets of Roma.

On the Alitalia flight back to New York, I was seated in the rear of the plane, alone in the last row and the stewardesses were merciful and brought me drink after drink. I eventually slept, not waking until the plane taxied on the cinematically lit JFK runway. As I hoisted my bag, deplaned and walked towards customs I thought of Georg lying in a hospital bed in the Machiavelli Medical House, oxygen masked affixed to his face, an IV bag of antibiotics dripping into his arm, the last line of defense as pneumonia bacilli waged war on his lungs. His eyes had scanned the ceiling repeatedly, without pattern, as if guided by some faltering reflex action. Was Georg ‘gone’ or merely in hiding as his body tried desperately to repair itself? I had seen that look before, I’d seen the same eye movement in the days before my father’s death. 

Carolina had been grim and preoccupied as she drove me, in her sister’s Fiat 124 Spider, to the airport, smoking cigarette after cigarette, fiddling with the radio, her eyes seemingly never on the road ahead. Death lurked everywhere as we careened along the A90 ring road. Eventually she pulled up to the departure terminal, kissed me on the cheek and handed me a bulging envelope with my name written on it. 

“From Giorgio. Your salary for sitting for him.” 

Neither of us was aware that Georg had written the word Disancorato in charcoal on the back of the canvas. Did Disancorato – which means unmoored, adrift – describe the painter, his subjects or a way of life? 

It was twenty-two degrees when I landed in New York. After clearing customs I opened the envelope. One million Lire. I changed the money and bought a bottle of Strega at the duty free and still had seven hundred and twenty-five dollars. It would be just enough to cover my rent.

Bill Whitten is a rock musician, writer, reader….The singer and songwriter for St. Johnny (1989-1995), Grand Mal (1995-2010) and William Carlos Whitten (2018-?)…author of BRUTES, a collection of short fiction (2022)