By Jon Berger
Valentine’s Day
Pothole emergence time
Miles Teller drives down to Detroit
Miles Teller refers to Detroit as NPC land
An NPC
Driving an NPC car
Ass packs an asphalt truck
You know the type
The road crew who shovels asphalt into the potholes on the highway
The asphalt is hot and steaming and molten and black
They take up a lane of traffic and have a giant blinking arrow sign on the back of the truck
But the NPC people cannot see the Asphalt truck
Miles Teller keeps driving on I 96
Because this happens all the time in Detroit
Miles Teller Hates Detroit
Miles Teller Hates Traverse City
Miles Teller lived in Traverse City when he was too young to remember
He moved because a bunch of Detroit people bought second homes in Traverse City
And Miles Teller’s family could not afford to live there anymore
Now
Driving in Traverse City
Is just like driving in Detroit
Miles Teller drives everywhere in Michigan
In every condition
Miles Teller can feel the curvature of the earth when he drives
Miles Teller drives a delivery van with over 300,000 miles on it
With brakes that go to the floor
Miles Teller delivers tools or parts or some bullshit to machine shops
Miles Teller does not know what he is delivering
Ever
Miles Teller’s boss
Sits in his office and watches
Right wing conspiracy theory videos
On YouTube
Miles Teller’s boss owns a bunch of tactical guns
Miles Teller’s boss doesn’t know anything about tactical guns
Miles Teller had to tell his boss which caliber of bullet each gun shoots
Miles Teller only owns two old hunting rifles
That were given to him by family
Miles Teller’s boss is an NPC
Miles Teller’s existence is an unbearable burden on the world
Just ask everyone in the world
Everyone yells at Miles Teller and tells him what to do
All the time
Miles Teller gets yelled at everyday
When Miles Teller gets back from Detroit, he has to figure out what all this paperwork from Detroit means
Nobody else knows what the paperwork means and the order for the tools is always wrong and Nobody knows why
Miles Teller is standing in the warehouse and all these people start crawling out of their cubicles To yell at Miles Teller as a group crucifixion activity
Miles Teller gets accused of stealing parts for CNC and Mills and Lathe Machines
Miles Teller doesn’t know what CNC, Mills and Lathe Machines are
Miles Teller did not steal the parts
And even if he did, he would not know what to do with them
Miles Teller imagines that if he did steal the machinist parts, he would try to create a giant mech Robot in his basement and use the robot to gain freedom
When Miles Teller gets yelled at, he doesn’t do anything
He just stands there motionless and without expression
But his eyes change
Miles Teller’s eyes sink in and become pot holes
They don’t see anything in front of them
Instead
They see tentacles reaching up from the dark below
They see a beast sunk so far down it has intertwined with the core of the earth and the earth can’t get rid of this beast and overtime the earth has learned to rely on the beast for survival
The tentacles shoot up from the core of the earth and through Miles Teller’s feet and then out of Miles Teller’s eyes and the end of the two tentacles have mouths and inside the tentacle’s mouths Are serrated teeth. The mouths open and hiss and venom drools down to the floor and one of the tentacles chomps off the head of a sales person and another tentacle chomps off the head of someone who works in the billing department
This makes everyone feel uncomfortable around Miles Teller
Miles Teller’s boss calls him into his office and tells him that he can’t shoot evil tentacles out of his eyes and bite people’s heads off anymore. If he keeps doing it, he will be fired
Miles Teller reminds his boss that he makes the same amount of money as unemployment benefits provide
The eyes of Miles Teller’s boss are not connected to the beast at the center of the earth. Instead, they’re connected to a cotton candy machine at a community center downtown
Hot Pink and Baby Blue cotton candy blooms out of Miles Teller’s bosses’ eyes. His boss screams in terror and tries to keep the cotton candy from spilling out
While this is happening Miles Teller begins to tell his boss how a junkie has recently stolen sentimental belongings from his mother, who is sick
Miles Teller’s boss is sobbing now and the cotton candy is coming out of his eyes and is getting wet and deflating kinda like how cotton candy does when you eat it. But instead of saliva its tears
Miles Teller tells his boss he needs to take a couple days off work to locate the junkie and get the stolen items back or get revenge
Miles Teller is good at locating people like this
Miles Teller still has lawyers call him and ask him to locate people for them but Miles Teller hates lawyers
Miles Teller is owed favors by the most bellicose spirits in the cosmos
Miles Teller’s boss wretches his head back, holds the sides of his head and screams in agony as more cotton candy comes out of his eyes and melts from his tears and runs down his stupid face
Miles Teller’s boss shoos him out of his office and tells him to do whatever he wants
Miles Teller leaves work
It is a blizzard outside
Miles Teller’s Ford Fiesta is stuck in the snow
Miles Teller furiously shovels snow out from around his piece of shit car
Once unstuck, Miles Teller drives down the decrepit and abandoned and snowy streets
The icy shovel is in the back seat of his car. Ice is melting off the shovel and getting the seats
Wet
Miles Teller has thoughts of taking the shovel and digging all the way down to the core of the Earth and untangling the beast and bringing it up to the surface
___
Jon Berger lives in Saginaw, MI. His short story collection GOON DOG is available at Gob Pile Press. His poetry collection SAINT LIZARD is forthcoming at Gob Pile Press. He tweets @bergerbomb44.